Watching someone you love deteriorate is the hardest thing in the world sometimes. It’s hard watching someone you care about more then anything in the world loose their ability to do every day things that we all take for granted. Little by little you watch them struggle with the things that other people do without a thought.
It wont stop there. I know that. I understand he will progressively get worse. His dad is not even sixty and can not walk without a walker and can not go far. Cory’s hands are only mildly affected right now. I kills me to think that he may not be able to hold our children. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want to wait any longer. I don’t want him to miss out. I don’t want them to miss out on much, they will already miss out on some things but they will have their dad and that’s what matters.
But thinking of that then makes me wonder will we even have kids? One year this month since I stopped taking the pill. Is it ever going to happen. I know that a year is not long, but when you are running against a very real clock, a year just seems like forever. Each time that we don’t conceive is another month closer to him possible not being to pick up and hold our child without help or one month closer to him not being able to do things with them that I know will drive him nuts.
I have a cousin who has MS. He was 19 when he was diagnosed. He got married a bit younger then us and they had two kids. Now their dad is in a nursing home and can not walk, has a hard time talking and can not do very much with them. It took a horrible toll on his relationship with his wife, she had a hard time taking care of him.
Eventually she just couldn’t do it with two small kids. They divorced but she never left his life, and she makes sure the kids see him. She just couldn’t hand it. My aunt and uncle tried to take care of him after that but with where they were living, the money they made and the care he need they could not to it either and he ended up in a nursing home.
I understand it will be different with Cory and I. I know his CMT will affect him and us in various ways. I know it will get tougher but we have support. We have both his parents and mine. It’s so hard though, he has been in pain for so long I’m not sure he remembers a time without. I’m not sure he even really ever had a time without pain.
He wants kids, I want kids, what if I can’t give them to him?
It tears me apart. Why does it have to be so hard?
We had our first real snow of the season yesterday. It’s so beautiful when you get those first soft snowflakes. The world kind of seems surreal. It’s dark but all the lights around you are more pronounced. You can taste and smell the freshness in the air, the chill. It’s so exhilarating!
That being said, driving in the snow. Not so exhilarating! Especially for those of us who are naturally anxious or panicky by nature. Why? Well, I had a bad experience driving in the snow. More then one actually. But I’ll just tell you about the one.
A few years ago I lived about 5 minutes from a small ski hill called Martock, just outside of Windsor, Nova Scotia. I really was in my element there. I love snow, I love skiing. I would literally spend hours on the hill. My younger brother and I really bonded over it. We finally had something we were equally passionate about and equally good at. For him it was snowboarding and for me it was skiing. I did try to learn to snowboard and plan on trying again this year, but I was not very good. Either way we had the time of our lives on that ski hill.
The road from Windsor, past Martock to our place in Lower Vaughn was a long winding road that went up into the mountains then back down again and into Chester, Nova Scotia. There is a small river that runs along side it for most of the road. In some places on level with the road and in other places a ways down from the road. It’s treacherous and many people have lost their lives on it in the winter and summer both.
One day I was driving home from work in the city. My bother was at Martock and I was supposed to stop on the way and pick him up. I arrived and he was no where to be found. I called my house and they said he was already there. I headed home. I was not even out of the parking lot when my ex called, I wont go into details but it was not a good relationship and was not a good call. I was upset. I started out from home which was only about 5 min away. I never made it.
From what I am told they believe I hit black ice and went through the guard rail and down into the ravine below where the river was. I was suffering hypothermia and I remembered climbing out the back window of the car (only way I could go) and climbing the hill where I flagged down a car and an ambulance was called. My car was totaled. I was okay. However, after that I was scared to drive in the winter. Still to this day I am a nervous wreck when it comes to driving in winter.
It gets me thinking about what it was like the first time I drove a car. Hence the title. I learnt to drive when we were living in the house from this post in Digby, Nova Scotia. I was 17 and working at McDonald’s. My parents wanted me to learn how to drive so that I did not have to rely on them to get back and forth to work. So in the dead of winter on icy roads, Dad took me to a dirt back road on the side of a mountain (see a pattern here?) and taught me to drive.
What was he thinking? That if I could drive in the worst of conditions, I could drive even better in the best. At least I think that’s where he was going with that, you never know. Either way. I learned to drive and I have to say I learned to drive pretty well. I had 11 years of no accidents. Not even a scratch. Not even a post in a parking lot. Till the accident I talked about above.
What was it actually like that first time? I was terrified. We had no snow tires then again Dad figured if I could handle that and not get us killed I could handle anything. I’m not sure it crossed his mind – what if I did get us killed? What if something did happen? Who the heck knows.
He took me up and down that road a number of times to get used to the feel of the car and braking, accelerating and turning. I already had my learners permit and had a good knowledge of the rules of the road. It was just the first time putting theory to the test. I think I did pretty good. My dad took me to a parking lot next and we practiced parking with those yellow/orange cones placed as other cars. Then we practiced with the real thing. I think I did pretty good. All cars went home ding free, well at least not with ones I put there.
What was your first time like?
We have somehow acquired a black cat. We noticed him (I don’t know why but he just feels like a “him” to me) a few months ago when Max was at my Mom and Dad’s in Digby (230km away). The cat showed up shortly after Cory’s friend Rodney came over one day and seems to come and go whenever he comes over. Your probably wondering what the heck I am talking about right now… he’s not a live cat. A ghost. That’s right. We have a ghost cat.
So here’s the story. A few months ago we had to have some work done in our apartment. We aren’t supposed to have animals. So, Max got shipped off to Mom and Dad’s for the time being, until our land lord finished and we could safely sneak him back in. That night, I took Max half way to Kentville, NS to meet my parents. While I was gone Cory’s friend Rodney came over to use our internet.
He was gone by the time I got back from my 2 hour drive, however it seems he left something behind. We crawled into bed that night at about the same time. We were talking as we do a lot of nights before we fall asleep (when we’re not doing other things ) and we felt Max jump up on the bed and we could hear him purring. All of a sudden we shut right up! We realized Max was not there and was in fact hundreds of kilometers away! I looked down at the bottom of the bed and there was an indent like there would have been when Max had just gotten up after cuddling at the bottom of the bed in the blankets. We brushed it off.
The next day I cleaned the whole apartment from top to bottom and hid all traces of Max deep in a closet in the bedroom and in the trunk of my car, far away from where the landlord would be going. I cleaned all the counters, cleaned all the walls, all the windows and counters and surfaces. I dusted everything, I vacuumed the couches and bedroom and threw the comforter in for a wash. I don’t know why but whenever I have notice my landlord (anywhere I’ve lived) is coming I clean like I’ve never cleaned before.
Well this time was even more important. I had to get rid of all evidence of the rug rat (cat) as well. I vacuumed the floors (all laminate wood or linoleum tiling), then swept and ran a mop over them a few times. Cleaned and stuck the litter box and cat bowl and all that in the back of my car. Everything was put away. I even had a friend come over and see if she could tell. She said no.
So the landlord came. He was also doing an inspection of the bathroom, the water heater and all the windows for damage, leakage, mold, etc. While in the living room checking out the patio door he turned around and froze. He said “Where’d that cat go?”. I said “What cat?”. He says “the black one, I just saw it”. I really did look at him funny. Max is grey with white. There is no mistaking him for black. I said again “What cat?”. So he points and there on the floor, as if a cat had walked through a slightly wet litter box, was grey chalky cat foot prints!
I must have gone white. The landlord said “Are you okay?”. I said I was and we looked all over the place. No cat. Now I was even wondering, did one sneak in, was I going nuts, was he going nuts? No… we both saw the foot prints. I even mopped them up in front of him. He didn’t even seem to be fazed. Never even said “You know you aren’t supposed to have pets”. I think he felt my unease.
After that, Cory and I felt the “cat” jump up on the bed a few more times over the next few days and weeks. Then one Monday before I got off from work Cory was alone. He was cleaning up the kitchen and getting supper ready for when I got home. In our dining room there is a deep freeze that is close to a window. Max likes to jump up and sit in the window sill. Sometimes he jumps straight down from there and other times he jumps on the deep freeze then down. His weight on the deep freeze makes a sound. Cory, all alone and facing the other direction hears that sound. He freezes and swings around and catches a black or dark cat out of the corner of his eye. He looks around the corner and there is nothing there. The bedroom and bathroom door was closed. There was no where for it to go. It was just gone…
A few days after that incident Rodney came over again. I was home. I was in the bedroom and when I came out a shadow jumped out at me from around the corner and I squealed. The guys came running. I explained and Rodney looked at me funny. He said “We have a black ghost cat we see all the time, we haven’t seen him in a few weeks”. We determined the last time he was at our place was the last time he saw it and the first time we saw it. That night it all stopped. For about 3 solid weeks. In the meantime Max came home.
One Friday a few weeks ago Rodney was over again to use the internet. He brought the cat back with him. Max hisses and spazzes as if there is another cat here. He will be asleep on our feet and we can feel the weight of him. Then all of a sudden the other cat jumps up and we hear him hissing and growling and I swear sometimes I hear the other cat as well. Even Cory says he has caught the other cat again out of the corner of his eye when Max was plainly in view and Max’s eyes just follow it. I wonder how long it’s here to stay for this time