More plans

We made it to Digby okay. I ended up getting VTO at work and was able to leave around 10:30 am. We were on the road by 11:30 am. It’s a good thing too, because a few hours ago it started to rain and has turned to freezing rain. Everything outside is covered in a layer of ice.

I found out at work today that they have purchased Rosetta Stone, so I am able to “borrow” it for any language that Rosetta Stone has. So I may just use it to brush up on my French and German so that I can get an international position at work. They are always hiring on my project.

In the meantime I am going to see about saving up about $500 for the first of the two ASL courses that are offered through Nova Scotia Community College (NSCC). While taking that I can save up about the same for the next one. Hopefully in a year I should have enough to move on to the next stage and apply for the Deaf Studies program at NSCC.

I talked a bit about it with Mom before supper and she agreed it was a good idea and the ASL 1 & 2 courses will give me something to do over the next year or so while working. It’s 2 nights a week for 3 hours each night so it should not affect me being able to work at all. I would just have to take day shifts on the days I would have class.

I am excited to put my plan into action.

Going home for the weekend

We are heading home tomorrow to my parents for the weekend. It’s Thanksgiving in the US and we have 2 unpaid days off at work Thursday and Friday, so I will be getting a 4 day weekend.

Cory and I made plans to drive to Digby after work tomorrow since I am off at 5pm. I am excited since we are staying in Halifax for Christmas and spending Christmas here with his parents. However it looks now like we might get some snow.

I am scared to drive my car in the snow. It’ll be the first time driving it. I am a nervous driver as it is and hate driving in the snow. On top of that though I only have all season tires on it and I really really should have winters here. I can’t afford them though.

I thought I would be able to get extra hours at work to save up some money for winter tires before winter started. I didn’t take into account missing a month being sick or that we would not be busy enough for a lot of extra hours. I never really took that into consideration when trading my old car in.

The old car I still had 2 good winter tires and my parents had 2 that would fit that were in pretty decent shape, so I would have been all set. I have no idea why I didn’t think about that at the time!

Sometimes I can’t believe how careless I can be. My father says that my all seasons should be fine for one winter since they are brand new when I bought the car at the end of June. But I am nervous.

Trapped under ice

Ever wonder what you are doing on the earth? Like, what your purpose in life is? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel so much like something is missing. Like I am not living up to my full potential and that there is something more that I need to do.

I can’t help but wonder what it is. Does everyone think like this? Am I the only one? Sometimes I feel like I just have so many questions. I have been thinking a lot about people in my life that are no longer in my life. I don’t mean ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, or people I have known briefly. I mean my friends and family who have lived and died.

I don’t know why I am thinking about death all of a sudden. I just wonder why some people live long lives but don’t really seem to affect anyone other then their close friends and family and why others are taken from us too suddenly. Why were their lives cut short? Did they reach their purpose? Is that why they are gone?

Then I wonder about myself. I feel like I have some further purpose that I have yet to figure out and it stumps me. I can’t help but feel that I was meant for more then just working in a call center for the rest of my life.

I can not get up the courage to go to the bank though and ask about a student loan to go back to school. I am so scared of being rejected. My history with the subject of money and loans has not been that great.

I got a loan to go to go back to school a few years after graduating high school and I was never able to pay it back, part of the reason I declared bankruptcy a few years ago. I had other dept as well. I had a car that I had a year before getting into a bad accident, getting hurt and totaling the car. I was left with thousands of dollars on a car loan that I no longer even had the car. My insurance did not cover it all.

I took web design and internet publishing sometime around 2001 or 2002. I finished it but really had very little interest in pursuing it as a career at the time, still don’t. I enjoy blogging but I hate trying to put something together for someone else. I just don’t feel like that was what I was meant to do either.

I did it, took the course that is, because my parents pushed me to do something. I was at home, I was suffering really bad from anxiety and depression and they wanted me to have something to occupy my mind, to give me something to do. So I decided to go into web design because at the time I enjoyed it. That got old fast though and I just did not enjoy it the way I thought I would. 

Now years later I am questioning everything I have ever done. I have never held a job that I really love. Even the one I am in now. I enjoy it, and it is close to what I want but not fully. It just does not feel like it’s what I want to do for ever either.

Thinking about friends and family members who have lost their lives early it makes be uncomfortable thinking that I am just wasting time. Time that it seems I have so little of in the great scheme of things. Everyone is allotted time and it seems like most don’t know how much time they have. How could you really? Maybe some do, who knows…

All I know is I feel like I should be moving towards something else. I want so bad to have kids and to work with kids. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel that like my parents one of my “callings” is to take in and love and teach and be a parent to a child who may not have a chance otherwise.

I really am thinking that I was meant to foster a child or adopt a child. Cory does not agree or disagree. He just seems impassive about it, as he is with so much else right now. It concerns me. I love him and am concerned sometimes that he has just given up or is just not as passionate as I am. Or maybe he just has not figured it all out yet either.

I really need to figure some things out. I know what I want. I just have not figured out how to get myself there yet. I have such a hard time getting motivated. I feel its the same with Cory. I need to push us both. But how do you push someone else when you can’t even push yourself?

It feels kinda like being trapped under ice, you can see the hole for air but you are having such a hard time getting there to get any.

All I want for Christmas…

With Christmas a month away I decided to do a “wish” list. The top five things I want for Christmas, in no particular order.

A digital SLR camera

D3S_0680-1200Apple iPad

iPad-Air
Bread maker

cbk-200c_xlg
Nintendo 3DS

n3dsxl

Bluetooth speakers

beatspillNot sure if you can get the beats pill character here but I love him too!

I had to think long and hard for the 5th one. I was gonna say a baby but figured I’d be pushing my luck, still went with something cute. Who knew I would have such a hard time coming up with five things…

What do you want?

It’s about time

After a lot of looking around I finally picked out our Christmas present and put $100 down on it and put it on lay away. My parents asked me a while ago what we wanted for Christmas and I really couldn’t come up with anything. So Mom asked what we needed and what we really really need is a new mattress and boxspring.

Ours are old hand me down’s from Cory’s parents that if I remember correctly are as old as us. It’s just not healthy and Cory can’t even sleep in the bed anymore. He starts out some nights in bed but after 2-3 hours of snoring, moving around and trying to get comfortable he heads to the couch. We have not slept a whole night in the bed together in months.

The side I sleep on has a huge hole in it where the coils have just given away and the side he is on has a huge uncomfortable lump that is right where his back is. It is so uncomfortable to sleep on. So it has been a long time overdue. Mom and Dad are giving us $300 towards the set. I was initially going to just get a mattress because it’s so expensive to get a set but Nothin Fancy Furniture have queen size pillow top mattresses on for $299 and this weekend they are having a no tax event.

I called Kent and Home Depot to find out how much it would cost to have some boards cut to go across the frame and a piece of plywood and believe it or not it was like $120. A new boxspring is $150 so I figured I might as well go that route. So Mom and Dad esentially are buying us the mattress and I am buying the boxspring.

I am so happy! I can’t wait to get it home… now to figure that part out and how to get the old one out of here…

Dropping the ball

Somehow I really dropped the ball yesterday. I am not sure why but I thought I had posted. However I didn’t. Who am I kidding anyways? I can’t blog everyday, I never have been able to for very long.

Yesterday I think it was because I went to the dentist and wasn’t feeling the greatest when I got home. Only one more appointment for all my dental work to be done. Yesterday he filled my tooth that I had the root canal on, the molar that broke. He sort of rebuilt it, it’s in the back and I don’t really care what it looks like as long as it functions.

I am a bit sore today. I also had 3 more fillings on that side done. Took a while for the freezing to wear off again. My appointment was at 1 pm I was out by 2:15-2:30 pm but my whole right side of my face was still frozen when I went to bed.

This morning it was out but sore. That combined with another cold and the loss of my voice again I ended up just doing emails at work today. I missed Monday and Tuesday because I could not talk or breath again. My asthma is back and so is my cough. If you add in yesterday it was a really short week for me and I spent most of it and last weekend in bed.

It was during one of those days in bed that I decided to try doing a blog post every day, not that that lasted all the long. Cory is gone away for the weekend and wont be back till Sunday so I have a weekend to myself. Just me and the cat. Who I am about to kill if he attacks me one more time…

A skill I don’t have

What’s one skill you’ve wanted but don’t have?

When I was in school I always loved art class with the exception of freehand drawing. I could draw pretty well if I was looking at something and drawing it. Like an image or a bowl of fruit, or your typical high school or college art school subjects. However if the teacher would tell us to use our imagination and draw something free hand without looking at it I had a really hard time with that.

I don’t think it had anything to do with not having much of an imagination. I have always preferred reading a book to watching a movie for that reason, because I was free to imagine things how I wanted to imagine them. I have always had a pretty vivid imagination. I can come up with stories pretty easily and I am able to imagine things fairly easily. However when it came to putting something down on paper I always got stuck. I could write the words with no issue. But to draw something to go along with it. I just can not seem to do that.

If I was told to draw something specific like a butterfly. I could easily imagine it in my mind, right down to the colors, the size and all the little details but getting that onto paper I was never very good at that. Not because I can’t draw. I can but it has to be something right there in front of me. If I was sitting staring at a lion. I could draw it perfectly.

If I was told to imagine a lion and draw it.  Again, I can imagine it. I just can not translate that into something recognizable on paper. Since I could copy cat pretty well it was always something that annoyed me, something that eluded me and something that I really wished I could do as easily as some of the other kids in art class. I always admired people who could free hand draw anything that popped into their minds without agonizing over it.

NaBloPoMo November 2014 – Day #19

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