Endless frustration

So, It’s December! 2013 is almost over. Since I seem to be having a little trouble with inspiration (with the exception of the last 3 days) lately when it comes to posting, I have decided to join BlogHer‘s NaBloPoMo for December. My goal is to post every single day for the whole month of December. Since the weekends are for free-writing, I decided to tackle something that has been on my mind a lot lately. It took me 2 1/2 hours to write this out last night, by 2am I was not quite done so I decided to finish it this morning and proof read it and then wait till I got home before posting it. So here goes…

I’m going to be thirty-four in seven months. Up until recently age has never been something that has really bothered me much. I just skated by feeling like I have all the time in the world. I’ve known since I was about eight years old that I wanted to have kids someday. But it was the furthest thing on my mind. In my teens, I had a little brother who was really young. He was just barely four when I was fifteen. He had lots of little friends and my Mom babysat neighbourhood kids during the day when their parents were at work. I often babysat them after school and in the evening. I have always been around young children and always loved kids.

Let me explain a little bit about my brother. He’s currently a fourteen year old stuck in a twenty-two year old’s body. He was born twenty-two years ago, but mentally he is no where near that. What’s wrong with him? Well, there are many theories the doctors have come up with over the years, and many diagnosis’s some that stuck and make sense and some that just don’t fit. He has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Fetal Alcohol Affects which causes learning and cognitive difficulties. His birth mother was seventeen when she got pregnant for him and eighteen when she had him. She drank during the first three months of pregnancy. She herself and her brothers all had issues that could be described as ADD or ADHD, among other things.

What this has all meant for my brother is that he has a very hard time with everything. He is stunted growth wise and looks about sixteen to eighteen if that. He has many behavioral and emotional issues. He has been medicated for most of his life. Some specialists say he could have Asperger’s Syndrome and other say he does not fit on the Autism spectrum at all. What this has meant for my parents is constant supervision. Even at twenty-two he is not capable of living on his own, holding a steady full-time job or going to college at the moment. Will this ever happen in the future? It’s really really hard to say.

As for me, as I said I have always been around kids, always taking care of them. Always known I want my own. After multiple failed relationships (and one disastrous and really bad one) right up until late twenties I never quite found what I have been looking for. Up until about three years ago. I met my current boyfriend Cory. We hit it off right away. He was sweet, funny, kind and just a lot of fun to be around. The more I was around him the more I liked him. We had enough in common to find common things that we liked doing together and yet still had separate interests that kept us from getting too bored with each other. We dated about 5 months, then we broke up.

It was kind of sudden on his part. Things were just going to fast. I guess even a few years ago I was feeling the push to find someone before it was too late. Before I saw all my dreams go down the drain, so I pushed and he got scared and broke it off. I was upset but I have to say, I have always been one of those people that always seemed to have to have someone in my life. So I moved on. I then met my ex Omar. He and I had a lot in common as well. But he was kind of a player. Not a bad guy, but just not ready to settle down, and definitely not ready for what I wanted to work towards. He told me right off he was unsure he wanted kids at all, but stupidly I figured that I could help him make up his mind and tip it in the direction I wanted. I tried. For a year. But even the rest of the relationship was just not what I wanted. Again I rushed things as well.

While this was starting to come to an end that could have meant really hard feelings on both sides, my ex Cory came back into the picture. He and I started talking again on Facebook. I told him after the first day that I needed to properly end things with Omar before him and I could even talk on Facebook any further. It did not seem right or fair to Omar and it would not have been. It would not have been fair to Cory either. Starting our relationship out in a way that was unfair to us all. So I broke up with Omar.

I think I gave it a week or so before I even talked to Cory on Facebook again and another couple weeks before we decided to go for a coffee again. Again we hit it off. I knew then that this was the guy. Everything about it felt right, it really felt like I came home and I realized just how much I missed him in that year. In my own way I cared a lot about Omar. But it just wasn’t right between us. He was not who I wanted to be with. Cory was.

We started dating again in late July/early August (my memory sucks on specific dates). By January we had pretty much moved in together in his one bedroom apartment. Almost right away I stopped taking the pill. We talked about it and decided that we both want kids, we are not getting younger and we both have health problems that could affect the outcome of us getting pregnant. So why waste time. I would just stop and we would see what happened. If it was meant to be it would happen.

I’ve been tracking my periods off and on for years on an iPhone app. We hadn’t really been trying and tracking my ovulation and I have never been checked out more then annual pap smears. Just the normal stuff. I have gotten pregnant in the past in another relationship but lost it early on. Basically a positive test, a repeat (positive)  and then started bleeding the day after and the hospital said I lost it. Then a second one that had me rushed to the hospital. I had lost a lot of blood but still not enough to be hospitalized. Some fluids and an ultrasound to confirm there was no ectopic pregnancy and that a DNC  (my mom had a history of multiple miscarriages after me, twelve in total before they adopted my brother, so I knew what a DNC is) was not necessary and sent me home. My doctor once referred me to a gynecologist to get checked out but I never followed through on it.

On top of the miscarriages previously and the family history of them (both my Aunts on my Mom’s side and my Grandmother had at least one as well), there are other factors that may have contributed and continue contributing to us having a hard time conceiving. Both of us are on medications that can make your sex drive almost non-existent. Me for Fibromyalgia and the constant pain and sleeplessness I have been suffering from for years. And him for his Charcot-Marie-Tooth Disease (a hereditary neurological disorder that causes progressive loss of muscle tissue and touch sensation across various parts of the body, which cause pain and foot and hand deformities as well as muscle loss and weakness) and depression. Its really hard to get on the same page at the same time and want to do anything. Also the chronic pain we both experience can be a real mood killer for either or both of us.

He is also waiting for surgery on his foot which will put him of work for about a year give or take. It’s good cause he needs the surgery. It will help reconstruct his foot and will help a lot with pain. It’s something that is needed and since he gets good short term benefits it wont affect us much financially but it’s still a strain on him and on me. I think he just wants to get it done and over with.

I find I am so frustrated because I feel stuck in an endless loop. I have started paying attention to when the app says I am ovulating. After sex during the week before and the day after I find myself hoping time and time again that this will be the time. That I will be late and take a pregnancy test and we’ll be pregnant. Then I am late and after a few days I take a pregnancy test it’s negative and then I start the same day or the next. So I started waiting till I was a week late, but same thing happens. I am a week late, I take the test, it’s negative, then a day or so later I start my period. Then we wait till the next ovulation and try again. Then I am late a week and a half, I take a pregnancy test and it’s negative and then I start again. Next time I wait two weeks, then take the test, it’s negative and then I start. It’s an endless circle. It leaves me feeling lost and frustrated and sad.

My cycle is never the same. Sometimes it is as short as twenty-two days other times it can go to almost forty-five days. It makes it really hard to guess. I am not even sure now I am getting the ovulation dates right cause I am just estimating at this point. I know there are ovulation kits to test when you are, and I know the signs, but the tests are expensive and I keep wasting money on pregnancy tests. It’s annoying and frustrating. He’s been patient but I don’t want his patients to wear out.

I’m close to the point where I want to broach the subject of trying harder, of getting some counseling on conceiving and really trying and making it official instead of whatever happens, happens. I just have this fear of rejection. Of him saying that we should be concentrating on other things first. I know guys don’t really feel the “clock is ticking” thing like women do. I have no women friends to really talk to about it. My two best friends are polar opposites of each other. Both are a bit younger (one twenty-nine and the other thirty) then me. With one this seems like it would be the last thing on her mind (though I have never really asked) and the other has a nine year old, a three year old and a two year old. I know she would be the best one to talk to about this but at the same time she’s so wrapped up in her own life (not that I blame her) that she hardly pays attention to me anymore. So yeah, no one to talk to.

I have to say I thought after about eleven months off of the pill I really thought I would have conceived by now. My doctor just brushes it off and says that I should not even be thinking about that right now and that I should be concentrating on getting my disorder under control. I am also borderline diabetic so there is that to think about as well. I am over weight by about forty pounds. All of which I am sure contributes. I have no idea how to get everything under control. I am really scared I am going to miss my chance. I am really starting to feel at (almost) thirty-four that the clock is starting to tick. It’s a scary thought.

We also have to consider that if we have children naturally then each child has a fifty-fifty chance of having CMT like Cory. Most of his father’s family has it to varying degrees. His brother and sister both have it as well. It affects each of them to different degrees. We went to a geneticist to get more information on the hereditary factor of it. We both decided we still wanted to have children as even though there is no cure, as it is not life threatening and there are treatments that help make life easier for those affected.  It’s still a scary thought tough and it’s still a touch choice to make. Are you condemning your child to a life of pain? Cory’s family never knew what it was until he was a toddler. Lots of families of people with CMT choose to have kids and not all of them are born with it. But it’s still something concerning and something to think about.

That brings me to thoughts of other ways we could have children. My parents adopted. Could we? Answer is, I really don’t know. Cory has some things in his past that might present a hurtle (and they may not, we have not even really checked). My parents were in a much better place financially when they adopted the we are right now. Even with my debt paid off, we still have his, and we are still living pay check to pay check. I still mess things up and end up short and never seem to have enough to save (that’s out of both our incomes) anything for the future. I just started putting $10 a pay in a Canada savings bond, but at that rate I’ll be a hundred before it accumulates to anything. He has a $300-400 RRSP that he contributes to every month. I believe only when he is working and not when he is on short term, but I am not 100% sure about that. My parents were not rich but with my father being in the military and the way my brother came to them (his birth Grandmother was a friend of my Grandmother) it seems like it all just fell fairly easily into place with them.

Besides as much as I want to adopt I always wanted to have one child naturally and then if we wanted more then I would want to try and adopt or foster. I have always felt strongly that it was the responsible thing to do, if you think of China’s one child policy, and the controversy that surrounds it. I never think it should be mandatory but I do think that the idea behind it is not completely wrong. Just that they went about it in the wrong way. Instead of forcing families to only have one children or face penalties. Which causes them to give up little girls because they want a boy to cary on the family name. Families that decide to only have one child by birth or just to foster or adopt any children they have, should be given incentives to help if they want to adopt or foster a child or children to make it more affordable and easier to do. At least in countries that can afford it.

No matter what way I look at it I am scared that we may never be able to have kids. Or I don’t want to be in my forties when I have my first child. I literally feel like I only have a few years left before it will be too late. It scares me to death. We really want kids. But I am just left with a bunch of questions that I am not sure the answers to and I just don’t know where to turn, who to talk to. I guess my boyfriend would be a good start. I don’t know why I am hesitant. I know he wants kids. I just don’t think he feels the same sense of urgency right now as I do. I don’t know why I feel this urgency. I don’t know where to begin to sort it all out.

8 Comment

  1. I can’t pretend I know how it feels because I don’t really know. I won’t know how it feels until I try to get pregnant, but I understand about that clock. I’m focusing on school before I get pregnant but I worry about that clock too. Not too much because I’m still in my 20’s, still I hope some kind of solution pops up for you. Hugs

    1. Thanks, I do too. I guess I am just at an age that it’s natural to feel this way and to worry.

  2. Erica says: Reply

    I just read somewhere recently that a lady was trying to conceive so she went to her doctor and before wanting to do any further he said she would probably have a lot more luck if she lost about 60lbs. About nine months and thirty pounds later she was pregnant. Not to gloss over everything else but I really think it’s important to be healthy if you want to get pregnant- it would be best for you and your child. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do! xox always

    1. I have heard that and been told that before. I really do need to loose about 40-50 lbs. I have such a hard time shedding it and keeping it off. I just don’t know how to loose the weight. I think I’m going to talk to my doctor a bit more about it. I guess I’m just feeling a lack of motivation and feeling kinda hopeless about it. You’d think the fact I want to get pregnant would be motivation in itself but somehow its not.

  3. Your captcha timed me out the first time. =(

    I am at a similar impasse with my husband. I feel my own clock ticking and every time I bring it up to him, he doesn’t seem to understand. The thought of giving birth after the age of 35 is scary to me (I turn 31 this year). We’ve talked about adopting as well because his thought is of some kid out there needs a family and we definitely would be good parents.

    But it’s hard. I want to experience the idea of being a mother. I also have PCOS, so we actually do have to come to an agreement when we decide to try as I’m on a continuous dose of birth control to manage it. Also, when and if I go off it the difficulties of getting pregnant are exponential.

    I think you’re brave to write all of this out. It’s never an easy topic to discuss and, I feel like you do, I’m at a loss of who to speak too that could provide insight and guidance. Both my parents were extremely young when I was born (17 and 19). Most of my friends are trying and have ran into complications with trying (several miscarriages, some emergency surgeries).

    Being healthy though is probably the best course to pursue and concentrate on. If you’re healthy, you’ll probably be more likely to get pregnant. Plus, it’ll give you a distraction so that when it does happen, you’ll get a surprise

    1. Sorry, I set it to time out after 5 minutes by mistake, I set it to time out after an hour instead. It will not let me get rid of the time out all together.

      I know what you mean about your husband. My boyfriend just “yes dear”s me. He wants kids. He just seems to think I have all the time in the world. It bothers me cause most of my aunts, my mom, my grandmother, they all went through early menopause at about 35-40 years of age. Even if I physically still can I don’t want to give birth after about 40-42.

      It sucks having no one to talk to doesn’t it. I guess blogging about it helps. Helps to get other peoples opinions, ideas, support or just to know someone read it. Thanks.

  4. Hiro says: Reply

    First off, thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving such a nice comment on my post. And I’m glad i got to read a little more about your brother here, too. I have a student with FAS and for the first 2 or 3 months I was working with her, she refused to even acknowledge me or look at me. I think she also has a diagnosis of ADHD. She has a lot of difficulties with concentrating and doing work, but at the same time, is a perfectionist, so she gets frustrated very often.

    At the same time, your description of where your brother is in life at his age was very reflective of my own. I can’t live on my own, I can’t take care of myself, I probably won’t be able to work full-time (though I am going to try next year), and the only thing different from what you wrote about your brother is that I go to college. But I’ve been in college for 6 years, because of my disabilities and brain surgery having gotten in the way.

    This post actually really spoke to me of my fears, too. I am still 24, but with all of my health issues, I have been thinking that I want to look into getting pregnant if I am not engaged by the time I am 27. Even if it means I will be a single mother, or may not be married yet. My mother had very difficult time conceiving, and for the last few months of her pregnancy with my sister, she was in the hospital, ordered to be bedridden so that she does not have a miscarriage. My period are not normal, and I do not think I am ovulating. My mother has been stressing over it more than I have, honestly, because since I do not take birth control pills, it is more convenient for me if I am not ovulating so that i don’t get pregnant. I want to, but not yet.

    My boyfriend also JUST started medical school this year, so there is another 3 1/2 years before he graduates, and another few years of residency before he will be out. And I don’t even know if we will be together for that long.

    I feel like my biological clock is ticking, and ticking fast. The fact that I had my brain surgery kind of slowed my life down, to the point that I am still in school and won’t graduate until I’m 25, but it hasn’t slowed down my body getting old any. So basically I am like a teenager in a 24 year old woman’s body, not ready to take care of myself much less a child.

    Wishing the best for you and your conceiving!

    (PS: Your capcha just HATES me!)

    1. My brother sounds a lot like they girl you taught. He will ignore people if he does not know them and it usually takes him a long time to warm up to someone. He also is very uncomfortable around both small and large crowds of people.

      I’m happy to see your going to try working full-time. It’s hard but you really have to push yourself to your limits and beyond. I know usually pushing beyond your limits is generally viewed upon as a bad thing, but not always.

      I used to suffer really bad with anxiety and just never wanted to leave the comfort of my house. I had to push myself to move past that. It was really hard but now looking back on it the things I felt were impossible for me to do seem so trivial now.

      I would say you should talk to your doctor about taking birth control if your periods are not on time and need to be regulated, especially if you don’t want to get pregnant. But sometimes I wonder if birth control is what is causing my issues now. All my friends who have been on birth control have reported having a harder time getting pregnant even 1-2 years after stopping and any of my friends who have never been on it seem to be the ones getting pregnant easily. I am starting to wonder if it’s done damage.

      Maybe try ovulation tests when the time is right to see if you are? Thanks for replying and I wish you luck when your ready.

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