Mental Illness & Me

This is always a tough topic for most people to talk about and I am no exception. I really wish I had some of my posts from my blogs from the worst phase, depression wise in my life. They would really provide me with some insight I think into the way my mind works sometimes and maybe some insight for other people in my life to see where I was then and where I am now. I don’t want to say that it is all a thing of the past for me, because it is not. I still and always will suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder. It’s not something I think that will ever 100% fully will go away for me.

However, that being said I think I am at one of the best points I have ever been in my life in regards to mental illness and me. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get depressed and have bad thoughts. Not talking suicidal, I have not had those in many many years. I do still sometimes think very negatively about some things that have happened to me past or present. Much like anyone would I guess. I don’t want to say I suffer from PSD because I don’t but sometimes I do have a little bit of stress from past traumas or past life experiences that have affected me. I’m not really going to get into detail about them right now. I’m not sure if there is posts about them on this blog or not but feel free to dig if you want to know. I can’t honestly remember what’s there.

I still have days where I do not want to get out of bed or that I feel things are hopeless or that it will never go away. But I think my depression has changed and evolved a little bit. Now it is more situational. I get depressed or anxious more when I think about certain things then just always feeling depressed or anxious. I think also now that I am married, I have someone to share it with that I feel 100% comfortable sharing with and who feels for me in a way no one ever has. Someone that gets me in a way no one ever has and that helps. Someone who experiences my highs and lows and just rolls with it and works with me to help me learn how to deal with my emotions. If you have someone supportive in your life it helps. I only wish everyone could have some but realize that sometimes some people aren’t so lucky.

If I am having a problem at work or at home I still dwell on it more then is healthy. I over analyze and get frustrated and angry very easy. More them most people? Well, who am I to say. Everyone is different. Even situations in my own life though seeming similar to past situations may not be the same from one time to the next. And I also worry so much about things that are beyond my control. Before my depression was a constant in my life that I could always depend on to be there. It was something familiar that I just took for granted would always be there.

Then I had a few years where it was almost non-existent. I even thought I was cured and no longer needed medication. I am now resigned to the fact that even though I am not on and do not need medication at the present that I may in fact need it in the future at some point. I also realize fully that I may not and that there are so many factors that go into it that it is impossible to predict and that if I do need to go back on medication for my depression, anxiety or panic attacks at some point down the road that it is not a failure but in fact the exact opposite. It is a win. Why? Well because to me failing to notice and/or denying there is an issue, that would be more of a failure then recognizing I need help. It’s okay to need help, but it is imperative to ask for it and not to just wait for it to be offered.

Exercising & Walking

I’ll be honest, I am doing up a couple posts at a time and scheduling them as I know I will not have time during the week days. Friday and Saturday are my days off, Edwards too. I am not aiming to make this a diabetes blog but it’s what’s on my mind right now. I want to go into a bit more detail about one of my May goals.

Since I am now taking the bus back and forth to work I am walking to the bus stop and back. Which I will be honest about as well, it is not far. 4 minutes and then I get off at Scotia Square Mall and just walk into the mall through the food court and upstairs via the stairs, elevator or escalator depending on my mood. Going home I have to walk a litte further since I take a different bus home and have to walk about 7 minutes to my bus stop from the mall. I also walk around the mall a lot just to increase my steps and my walking time. My phone is a Samsung Galaxy G6 with the Samsung Health app on it which I am hoping to utilize more. I am getting about 30-45 min walking a day and about 3500-7000 steps a day.

I want to aim for 1 hour and 10,000 steps. To start anyways. I would like to add more exercise in other forms as well. I am considering a gym again or the Canada Games Centre which I previously a few years ago had a membership for. For now though I had previously set my goal to half the recommended which was 30 min walking/5000 steps. I am consistently doing that now and more. I have set it now to 45 min/7000 steps. Once I consistently meet that which I hope to do in a week or two. I will increase to 1 hour/10,000 steps. I am trying to figure out ways in my everyday activities to increase my walking time and steps without necessarily going out for a specific walk, which I would like to do as well. Once I get the bus route down to work and back (just started taking it last week) I will start walking a few extra stops on the way to work so that I am walking 2-3 stops beyond mine. I don’t want to do that at night when I come home at 9:45 PM for safety sake. My area is safe enough but still.

I am hoping to get Eddie and I up and out walking for an actual walk 2-3 times a week to start for an hour each time just around here. There is lots of walking paths at the end of our street as well as it’s a very residential and rather safe area (despite not wanting to walk it alone at night) with lots of streets to make walking loops on. I can easily map out a 5k, 10k and 15k walk with MapMyWalk. So I am hoping to go once each weekend and at least 2 times during the week working up to just about every day.

There is a Gym in Bedford called Fit4Less which is a 15 min drive (opposite direction to my work unfortunately) which has two memberships $4.99 biweekly (for one location) up to $10.99 biweekly (for any location across Canada, shareable with family) for a membership. I have been considering it. $4.99 biweekly for each of us is not bad. Eddie said he would go. But I am concerned time wise if we have time. Closer to us (literally at the end of our street through a path and a ball park is the Canada Games Centre which I previously had a yearly membership for which is $23.35 biweekly for me and $13.22 biweekly for Edward however it has a gym and so much more, there is pools, 2 waterslides, saunas, a hot tub, weight room, indoor track and a field house and other stuff I am likely missing. I am really wanting that more then Fit4Less and it is much closer and would be easier to get in an hour in the morning before work a few days a week and on the weekends anytime.

My only concern with either is will we use it. The membership I had before I used for a while and then just kind of stopped going and ended up cancelling. As they are both yearly memberships I want to make sure we will both use it. With paths, side walks, a ball park and outdoor track etc at the end of our street (all part of the Canada Games Centre but free to use outside) I don’t know if it is worth paying. However we might only use it in the summer. I love to swim. I love waterslides. That is what really makes me want to get the Canada Games Membership more then the Fit4Less one. I want the access to the pools and slides and indoor track etc.

I have been on the fence for months about it. It’s a lot to shell out if we get stuck in a one year contract and end up not using it. I am really craving the exercise for a lack of a better term. I really loved the Canada Games Centre once I got over my initial fear of exercising in front of strangers. I am not sure if Edward would feel the same as I did in the beginning. He says he’d go. I just have to talk us both into it and have to set aside the money to do it.

May Goals

Today’s a double post day. As I mentioned in my post earlier today I want to do a monthly post on my goals for the upcoming month. So I decided I would do two different posts one in the morning and one in the evening.

Here is a list of my May 2018 goals.

  1. Walking – By the end of May I would like to be walking 10,000 steps/1 hour walking a day and two 5-7 km walks each week. The longer walks would likely be more on the weekends then the rest of the week but I don’t see why we can not get a walk in before we start work. It’ll mean getting to bed earlier and getting up earlier which would be good for us anyways.
  2. Blogging – I would like to post at least 2 times each week even if the posts are written at the same time and scheduled through out the week.  I have been looking for a WordPress plugin with a daily prompt on the dashboard. I remember one that I had installed sometime in the past but can not find it. I find it hard sometimes to come up with things to write about but I really want to challenge myself to write about what is happening in my life and about things that are important to me. Not so much for anyone else but for myself.
  3. Blood Sugar – I would really like to get my blog sugar under better control. I would like to keep it within my target range as much as possible which is 4.6 to 7.8. I have mentioned this in a previous post I think however I even though I got my A1C down to 6.1 which is pretty good for a diabetic. I want to keep it there or even lower it a bit more and also get myself in my target range more often. I really feel like a failure when I spike up above 7.8 and I also feel stupid when I go below 4.6 because that means I am not being careful.

What are your goals?