Have ya ever?

Have you ever really wanted to show someone specific something that means a lot to you? I this case it’s actually somewhere. But you just don’t know if it’s right. The person is a friend that I’ve not known a super long time but have grown pretty fond of. The place I won’t explain too much because he reads this. But the place is somewhere that I love so much. It’s actually my second favorite place in the who world. Reminding me a lot of the first place which is very sentimental to me. But I see no point in showing the first and favorite place to him unless the second one is shown first. Why? Simply because the first place is actually a few hours drive away and would require a whole day to get too which is impossible at the moment and un-probable anytime in the near future. And the second place is much closer and more probable and easier to get too. And no point in going to the first place if he doesn’t like the second for some reason.

Why do I want to show him? I’m not really sure… and why at 4:30 in the morning is it suddenly on my mind? And not sure. But has something to do with his perception of me and my perception of me. I don’t feel he knows the real me. The un-encumbered me. The true me. But since he pretty much admitted (and this is simply my perception of something he said to me and I could be totally wrong but…) that the me that he sees now is not the me he thinks I really am and that he sees something underneath that he feels I have been and/or want to be is under there somewhere. These places are the only two places at the moment I feel completely free and unburdened. They make me feel totally alive. They to me are nature at it’s best and just places I absolutely enjoy and love.

So why do I wonder if it’s right to show him? Why haven’t I just asked him if he’d like to go see? Well a few reasons. He knows I have and have had feelings for him beyond friendship. But this is simply on a friends basis. This is something I want to show him as a friend. I don’t want him to jump to the conclusion that I’m showing him because I want him to feel something else for me. I just think he’d maybe see the real me there for a bit. See what I’m trying desperately to get back too… what I miss so much about myself and my life.

The first and favorite place is similar in some ways to the second place. It’s just got a more sentimental level to it. Having to do with my family and childhood and I’m not ready to share it with him yet. And besides it’s too far away. Maybe one day?

sometimes life just sucks

no comp yet

Wow I was actually up about 9 today. Even after being up past 2. More phone calls last night. Called the police today and they are going to get the cop that came over to call us and they are going to investigate it further. The police even believe that it’s not random that the person knows us well enough to know when Dad’s not around. It scares the shit out of me. Obviously I don’t wanna go to much into it on here… even if I have this post as friends only. Really makes you think. I work 4-1 tonight and tomorrow. I don’t like it. I think I’m gonna try and switch tomorrows shift and some of the ones next week for a bit earlier. Mom’s friend Jackie said she’d come over tonight if we wanted so we aren’t alone.

I’m feeling a little better. Less dizzy and nauseous. Headache is just that a headache. Not overly bad. Nothing like before. But my stomach is in knots. But I think it’s more nerves and anxiety than anything right now. Mom’s gone to pick Liam up and take him birthday shopping. My little boy is 6 now! God how time goes by. I remember Aunt Ferne in the hospital with him when he was born. And I remember having him over night while she was in the hospital with Robynne.

My mummy bought me some cinnamon waffles! Yummy. I love my mummy! Lol. That was fun. Anyways… She’s trying to make me feel better I think. That guilt thing. I guess it gets us all eh? Heh, so called Robotnic and my computer isn’t ready yet. Later today or early next week. God waiting sucks! Well I think I’ll play some more Qwerty (a Scrabble or Literati type game) on Pogo. I’m hooked! I love the game.

♥ xoxox ♥