when we love someone…

So Aunt Doris and Uncle Roy have been here about 2 weeks… time flies! They’ll be leaving on Tuesday I wish I had got to spend some more time with them. Which was mainly my fault. Forgot to book of last weekend so I could go to Grand Manan, NB with them. I missed out seeing Aunt Shirley and Uncle Kenny, and Gram (they my great aunt and uncle and great grandmother, my mom’s real fathers sister, brother-in-law and mother). Last time I didn’t go to see Nan and she died before I got to go see her. I know that Gram is getting up there in age (96) and I’m scared I might miss out on seeing her that last time. Though they said she was doing extremely well. For a 96 year old she’s in better shape then most 60 year olds! She hasn’t any health problems that I know of. The only time I ever knew her to even go to the hospital (not counting when grampy died) was when she broke her leg the summer before last. And then only long enough for a cast and then walking cast. She was back on her feet within days! She’s amazing!

Being that both my fathers parents are gone and my mothers real father and her mother and father (step dad) are all gone and my mom’s mom died when I was 5 (I was devastated. I can still remember Grammy and her cinnamon hearts… she kept them on a window sill or ledge behind her rocking chair… amazing what the mind will remember!). Well I have only Gram left. Nan died when Brad and I were still together and I was devastated because I never got to say goodbye. I can remember taking the call and my mom asked if Brad was there (not unusual since my parents loved -love- him) and I said yes then she told me. All I can remember was dropping to my knees in the living room. Brad took the phone, I think I handed it to him. He said a few things, which I can’t remember then he said “yes I’ll take care of her” and then he hung up and just held me for hours. Just held. Didn’t talk much at all just held me and let me ball my eyes out. You were great at that And I loved -love- ya for it!

So anyways got off on the wrong track there for a sec. Basically I’m scared that I might not get to say good bye to her too. I miss Nan so so damn much sometimes. Even like 5 years later the date of her death and her birthday just kill me. She was my *second* mom. I spent a lot of time with her. She used to tell me stories when I was little and the noises in the old house scared me. She used to hold me on her knee when I was little and she was putting on her make-up at the kitchen table. She had this lighted make-up mirror. You know the ones… From like the 70’s and 80’s with the white (sometimes coloured) plastic outside and stand. And she’d give me the lipstick (with the cover on it) or a unused eye shadow brush and let me “put on” make-up. Even when I got old enough to realize the cover was on the lipstick or that there was no shadow on the brush I didn’t care it was “Nanny and me” time.

Don’t you just love old memories? The good ones mostly. Ones that make you smile out of love? Or even the ones that let you cry happy tears of joy? They make you feel all warm inside Anyways I hope to visit her sometime in the next little while. I can maybe go to Digby, hop the ferry and maybe I can talk to Aunt Shirley and see if I can get her grand daughter, my cousin, Danielle to pick me up. Danielle’s brother Jordan and I were kinda close when we were little. But he died when I was 10. Struck by a drunk driver. They hardly ever talk about him. It’s almost as if he never existed. It kind of bothers me. Why would you want to just *forget* someone you loved. I’m sure they don’t want to forget him, but at least talk about him a little. Let people know what a great kid he was. But yeah…

I’d also like go to Winnepeg next summer. Maybe I can go two weeks before Aunt Doris and Uncle Roy come here then I can come back with them. That would be cool. Done the drive before and it was beautiful no matter what way you go… through Ontario; Quebec; and New Brunswick, or through the States. I love to travel and I can drive so I could be an extra driver and I can either fly (eek…) or take the train down (train is the best way to travel! bus sucks).

Well I gotta go. Gonna end this with something I wrote… call it a poem, call it a letter, call it whatever… it means a lot to me so don’t say anything mean please! Just say nothing at all and I’ll be happy I just want it here for some reason…

Nan

You were my ray of sunshine,
on an otherwise dreary day.
The lullaby you sang to me,
on cold snowy nights,
make miss miss you.

I miss you more then,
then mere words can signify!
You sang the sweetest melody’s to me,
Made me feel so cherished
And precious!

I remember rousing,
from a nightmare,
after you were gone.
Only to savour your presence
Even after your death,
I could feel you all around me.

In an ethereal fragrance here,
Or a simple sound there.
I can sense you all around me.
It’s immensely comforting.

You made me feel so impervious,
to anything and everything.
You could uplift my spirits,
with your presence alone.

Some would be shaken,
by seeing someone they cherished,
after that loved one passed on.
But not me! It alleviates me!

I love you, with all my heart…

New Layout

New Layout. What do you think? I absolutley fell in love with the picture. I can’t wait to start using some of my own images. Got to get out there and take some I guess… righty…

sometimes

Sometimes I just want to kick myself…
Sometimes I just say,
        and do the stupidest things.
Sometimes I feel like a total idiot…
Sometimes I feel so pathetic.
Sometimes I’m happy,
Sometimes I’m sad.

Most of the time I just feel,
        like such an ass