I know now that I messed up. I know that I should have listened once again to the people around me that care about me. I’m not helping myself. I’m just putting myself back into the same awkward position once again. I can’t take the pain. But I don’t know anything else. I need to start thinking about myself for once. I need to stop hurting myself. I want to love so much. I want to be loved so much. To the point that I don’t give a damn who it is no matter how good or bad they treat me. I take a simple gesture that was meant only to be friendly and I see it as something else. Because I want so bad to be loved by someone. I’m scared I’m just going to end up hurting myself once again. I care to much sometimes. I was warned. I can’t say I wasn’t. But once again I’m ignoring what I don’t want to see and seeing only what I want. I’m scared it’ll never be different. I’m scared I’ll never find someone who can love me back. I should have listened. I know now that what you said is true. I have to learn to love and care about myself before I’ll ever find someone to love and care about me. That I have to learn to be happy for myself and satisfied on my own before I can ever find someone I’ll truly love and care about and who’ll truly love and care about me. Why do I never learn the lessons until it’s to late? I should be upset. I should be crying. But instead all I feel is relief. Maybe I’m finally getting there. Or working towards it at the very least.
Ok after tonight I am truly convinced that even if things don’t go as planned and even if you have the worst day in the world. Just a few hours can make all the difference in the world. Sometimes if your plans fail. And you think nothing could be worse. Just go with it and maybe something better will happen! There is always a silver lining! And if someone cares, even if your not sure how much, then it can make a world of difference.
Dan and I went to see Slither at Bayer’s Lake last night. We weren’t really sure what we were going to do just I was going to pick him up at his place at 8. We headed to Halifax and went to Chapters for a bit. Then went to see a movie. It wasn’t too bad. Maybe technically not worth the $10.75 each (plus pop and popcorn) to see it in the theatre I’d definetly rent it went it comes out on DVD if you like Horror/Comedy. It’s a pretty good movie to take someone you want to snuggle up to :p I had a great time doing just that It was about 2:30 when I got home and I had to work this morning. Didn’t plan that one out well. But it was worth the trouble Tonight I was supposed to have my finals for ASL. I showed up and no one was there. I waited for quite a while and went looking and no one knew anything. I finally left but was pretty pissed off. I’d better be able to take it. If not I want my money back. Not that I see that happening. I bought a book this morning (Don’t Call Them Ghosts by Kathleen McConnell) that I saw at Chapters last night with Dan and wanted badly. I was kinda not sure last night. I wanted so bad to go look at the Parapsychology and New Age books but wasn’t sure how Dan would react. Turns out he has a Tarot deck and has read many of the stuff I have. And is interested in a lot of the same stuff. Which is kinda cool.