Just keep trying right?

My sleeping habits are so messed up it’s not funny. I am getting home around 12:30 or 1 AM and I am not sleeping until 4 or 5 AM or later. I just can not sleep. I’m up all night. Sometimes I just talk to someone if anyone is up. Other times I’m just laying there staring at the ceiling. I know it wont last. I go through periods of it. But I just don’t know if I should fight it and try and sleep. I could go and get sleeping pills from my doctor but as soon as I stop taking them I end up back in the same position. I guess I just have to ride it out. But it sucks cause when I finally fall asleep I sleep until an hour or two before I go to work.

I work the same shift every day Monday to Friday and always have the weekends off. Which I like. But the nights are killing me. I’m tired as hell all the time. I’m always sick. And I feel so run down and warn out all the time. But there is nothing I can do but weather it and go on I guess. I just get so frustrated and I seriously want to stand there and scream until someone listens.

I have felt like this before. Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever work out and that I’m always going to be stuck like this. Somewhere between happy and miserable. Some days I feel like I’m really accomplishing something and that things are going well. And other days I just want to curl up n my shell and hide away and never come out. But where would that get me? No where really.

I’ve dealt with depression before. I’ve dealt with anxiety so bad I wouldn’t leave the house unless someone was dragging me to the hospital. I’ve dealt with much worse feelings then that. But anytime I tried to talk to someone all they wanted to do was medicate me. I hate it. I hate the feeling of being on medication. I can’t deal with it. I feel worse. I hate trying to find the right combination. And then changing to something else. It’s not worth it for me. I feel like I can and will do better dealing with it on my own.

I have gone for almost 6 years without anything. I have dealt with any anxiety by just concentrating and calming myself down. I know I still over react. And some people mistake it for other things. I’ve been told I’m overbearing. That I am clingy and not very self reliant. But no one really knows how hard I have tried to control those emotions and how far I’ve come in the last 5 or 6 years. Except my family maybe. I’m trying hard but sometimes I just don’t know where to turn.

It frustrates me to no end. I feel like the harder I try the harder I fall. But I am smart enough to know that I always figure it out. That I always make the best of things as much as I can and keep going on. Sometimes I have to wonder how far I can go before I just break though. I’ve done it before and probably will again but it just scares the crap out of me.

Sometimes I just feel like I can’t overcome it and there is no point in trying. I know a lot of it is situational. That it has to do with other things going on in my life. But I just hate that every time there is the least little bit of stress in my life I feel like I’m going to explode. I get confused and moody. I get defensive and defiant. I have fairly good control over it. I know that. Or I’d be in big trouble right now.

But sometimes I just feel like crying… I feel like I want something that I am just never going to have. I feel like I’m working my ass off for nothing. Because I feel like I am getting no where. I’m tired of going backwards. Forwards seems so far off sometimes. Like it’s out of my league.

But one thing I have learned. I can’t stop trying. I have to just keep at it. One day I’ll get it and things will even out. One day I will look back and say I did it. I really did.

Finally… I accomplished something!

At least my weekend got off to a good start. I went out last night with a friend and her husband and a few of their friends to a party. I’ve met a lot of the people that where there so it wasn’t too bad. I really had a good time. Apparently I’m even more of a light-weight then I thought.

I don’t drink often. I’m still not feeling well from the cold I can’t seem to get rid of and the fact that I have had only about 8 hours of sleep the last 3 nights (not including last night). When I added alcohol to that I just crashed. It was ok for a little while. But as I drank more I just couldn’t stay awake and I passed out on the couch. At least I had fun.

It was a long week but it’s over. I’m so glad. I just want next week to come and move on and not look back at all. When I got home this morning we cleaned up the guesthouse and sorted through a bunch of stuff I brought home with me from the apartment I had.

I threw out a bunch of junk. Everything else that was in boxes we sorted out and put on shelves and on my dresser. It actually looks good in there. And we got rid of any spider webs and spiders that had gotten in in the summer. We accomplished a lot. Now I can go down there at night and watch TV, play play station or go on my laptop and not worry that I’m going to get carried away by a spider the size of Texas. I don’t like spiders much… can you tell?

Monday I have a bunch of stuff to do before work and then I can say I have really made an effort to get everything sorted out. And get back on track. I feel proud of myself. For the first time in a long time. I really feel like I accomplished something important.

Starting Over

I went and changed everything to friends only and then my paid account expired and I realised I don’t want it friends only… so I have to somehow go back post by post and unlock most of them… it’s gonna take me a while. And one day I’ll start on it but for now. Here’s something I wrote on my website. I have 3 blogs going including this livejournal so not everything is gonna be original. from time to time I may just copy from one of the other ones. But I want to keep this space. So here is what I wrote:

Well it has been 5 days. And I am sticking with it. I did what I said I was going to do. To walk away. And not look back. I can’t say I haven’t looked back. I have. But not in the way I expected. I thought I would miss him. I don’t.

The only way I have looked back is to wonder why the hell I stayed in the first place. To wonder why I let it get that far. I was not being fair to myself. This is how it has to be. I am happy. I am finally for once in my life really happy. I feel like I am going to be able to accomplish what I need and want to do. And that is get out of debt. And get myself to a place I want to be.

Things haven’t been easy. I’ve found myself crying a few times. But not because I want him back. I don’t. I’ve cried because I felt like I should have done it a long time ago and like I didn’t value myself enough to just walk away. And do what I needed to do.

I am truly happy as I said. I feel like it’s a chance to just start over again. To get to know myself better. To really take the time and sort myself out before I get in a relationship with anyone again. It doesn’t have to be long. Or I can take as long as I need. As long as I get it done. As long as I give myself the chance I deserve.

I proved to myself that I could do it. Now I have to prove to myself that I can stick with it. And I can. I will. I’m tired of people telling me what I should be. What I can be. What I can do. And what I’m allowed to do. No one has a right to tell me what to do except me. I’m an adult god dammit and it’s time I started acting like one.