My sleeping habits are so messed up it’s not funny. I am getting home around 12:30 or 1 AM and I am not sleeping until 4 or 5 AM or later. I just can not sleep. I’m up all night. Sometimes I just talk to someone if anyone is up. Other times I’m just laying there staring at the ceiling. I know it wont last. I go through periods of it. But I just don’t know if I should fight it and try and sleep. I could go and get sleeping pills from my doctor but as soon as I stop taking them I end up back in the same position. I guess I just have to ride it out. But it sucks cause when I finally fall asleep I sleep until an hour or two before I go to work.
I work the same shift every day Monday to Friday and always have the weekends off. Which I like. But the nights are killing me. I’m tired as hell all the time. I’m always sick. And I feel so run down and warn out all the time. But there is nothing I can do but weather it and go on I guess. I just get so frustrated and I seriously want to stand there and scream until someone listens.
I have felt like this before. Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever work out and that I’m always going to be stuck like this. Somewhere between happy and miserable. Some days I feel like I’m really accomplishing something and that things are going well. And other days I just want to curl up n my shell and hide away and never come out. But where would that get me? No where really.
I’ve dealt with depression before. I’ve dealt with anxiety so bad I wouldn’t leave the house unless someone was dragging me to the hospital. I’ve dealt with much worse feelings then that. But anytime I tried to talk to someone all they wanted to do was medicate me. I hate it. I hate the feeling of being on medication. I can’t deal with it. I feel worse. I hate trying to find the right combination. And then changing to something else. It’s not worth it for me. I feel like I can and will do better dealing with it on my own.
I have gone for almost 6 years without anything. I have dealt with any anxiety by just concentrating and calming myself down. I know I still over react. And some people mistake it for other things. I’ve been told I’m overbearing. That I am clingy and not very self reliant. But no one really knows how hard I have tried to control those emotions and how far I’ve come in the last 5 or 6 years. Except my family maybe. I’m trying hard but sometimes I just don’t know where to turn.
It frustrates me to no end. I feel like the harder I try the harder I fall. But I am smart enough to know that I always figure it out. That I always make the best of things as much as I can and keep going on. Sometimes I have to wonder how far I can go before I just break though. I’ve done it before and probably will again but it just scares the crap out of me.
Sometimes I just feel like I can’t overcome it and there is no point in trying. I know a lot of it is situational. That it has to do with other things going on in my life. But I just hate that every time there is the least little bit of stress in my life I feel like I’m going to explode. I get confused and moody. I get defensive and defiant. I have fairly good control over it. I know that. Or I’d be in big trouble right now.
But sometimes I just feel like crying… I feel like I want something that I am just never going to have. I feel like I’m working my ass off for nothing. Because I feel like I am getting no where. I’m tired of going backwards. Forwards seems so far off sometimes. Like it’s out of my league.
But one thing I have learned. I can’t stop trying. I have to just keep at it. One day I’ll get it and things will even out. One day I will look back and say I did it. I really did.