More plans

We made it to Digby okay. I ended up getting VTO at work and was able to leave around 10:30 am. We were on the road by 11:30 am. It’s a good thing too, because a few hours ago it started to rain and has turned to freezing rain. Everything outside is covered in a layer of ice.

I found out at work today that they have purchased Rosetta Stone, so I am able to “borrow” it for any language that Rosetta Stone has. So I may just use it to brush up on my French and German so that I can get an international position at work. They are always hiring on my project.

In the meantime I am going to see about saving up about $500 for the first of the two ASL courses that are offered through Nova Scotia Community College (NSCC). While taking that I can save up about the same for the next one. Hopefully in a year I should have enough to move on to the next stage and apply for the Deaf Studies program at NSCC.

I talked a bit about it with Mom before supper and she agreed it was a good idea and the ASL 1 & 2 courses will give me something to do over the next year or so while working. It’s 2 nights a week for 3 hours each night so it should not affect me being able to work at all. I would just have to take day shifts on the days I would have class.

I am excited to put my plan into action.

Going home for the weekend

We are heading home tomorrow to my parents for the weekend. It’s Thanksgiving in the US and we have 2 unpaid days off at work Thursday and Friday, so I will be getting a 4 day weekend.

Cory and I made plans to drive to Digby after work tomorrow since I am off at 5pm. I am excited since we are staying in Halifax for Christmas and spending Christmas here with his parents. However it looks now like we might get some snow.

I am scared to drive my car in the snow. It’ll be the first time driving it. I am a nervous driver as it is and hate driving in the snow. On top of that though I only have all season tires on it and I really really should have winters here. I can’t afford them though.

I thought I would be able to get extra hours at work to save up some money for winter tires before winter started. I didn’t take into account missing a month being sick or that we would not be busy enough for a lot of extra hours. I never really took that into consideration when trading my old car in.

The old car I still had 2 good winter tires and my parents had 2 that would fit that were in pretty decent shape, so I would have been all set. I have no idea why I didn’t think about that at the time!

Sometimes I can’t believe how careless I can be. My father says that my all seasons should be fine for one winter since they are brand new when I bought the car at the end of June. But I am nervous.

Trapped under ice

Ever wonder what you are doing on the earth? Like, what your purpose in life is? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel so much like something is missing. Like I am not living up to my full potential and that there is something more that I need to do.

I can’t help but wonder what it is. Does everyone think like this? Am I the only one? Sometimes I feel like I just have so many questions. I have been thinking a lot about people in my life that are no longer in my life. I don’t mean ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, or people I have known briefly. I mean my friends and family who have lived and died.

I don’t know why I am thinking about death all of a sudden. I just wonder why some people live long lives but don’t really seem to affect anyone other then their close friends and family and why others are taken from us too suddenly. Why were their lives cut short? Did they reach their purpose? Is that why they are gone?

Then I wonder about myself. I feel like I have some further purpose that I have yet to figure out and it stumps me. I can’t help but feel that I was meant for more then just working in a call center for the rest of my life.

I can not get up the courage to go to the bank though and ask about a student loan to go back to school. I am so scared of being rejected. My history with the subject of money and loans has not been that great.

I got a loan to go to go back to school a few years after graduating high school and I was never able to pay it back, part of the reason I declared bankruptcy a few years ago. I had other dept as well. I had a car that I had a year before getting into a bad accident, getting hurt and totaling the car. I was left with thousands of dollars on a car loan that I no longer even had the car. My insurance did not cover it all.

I took web design and internet publishing sometime around 2001 or 2002. I finished it but really had very little interest in pursuing it as a career at the time, still don’t. I enjoy blogging but I hate trying to put something together for someone else. I just don’t feel like that was what I was meant to do either.

I did it, took the course that is, because my parents pushed me to do something. I was at home, I was suffering really bad from anxiety and depression and they wanted me to have something to occupy my mind, to give me something to do. So I decided to go into web design because at the time I enjoyed it. That got old fast though and I just did not enjoy it the way I thought I would. 

Now years later I am questioning everything I have ever done. I have never held a job that I really love. Even the one I am in now. I enjoy it, and it is close to what I want but not fully. It just does not feel like it’s what I want to do for ever either.

Thinking about friends and family members who have lost their lives early it makes be uncomfortable thinking that I am just wasting time. Time that it seems I have so little of in the great scheme of things. Everyone is allotted time and it seems like most don’t know how much time they have. How could you really? Maybe some do, who knows…

All I know is I feel like I should be moving towards something else. I want so bad to have kids and to work with kids. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel that like my parents one of my “callings” is to take in and love and teach and be a parent to a child who may not have a chance otherwise.

I really am thinking that I was meant to foster a child or adopt a child. Cory does not agree or disagree. He just seems impassive about it, as he is with so much else right now. It concerns me. I love him and am concerned sometimes that he has just given up or is just not as passionate as I am. Or maybe he just has not figured it all out yet either.

I really need to figure some things out. I know what I want. I just have not figured out how to get myself there yet. I have such a hard time getting motivated. I feel its the same with Cory. I need to push us both. But how do you push someone else when you can’t even push yourself?

It feels kinda like being trapped under ice, you can see the hole for air but you are having such a hard time getting there to get any.