Photo Editing & Early Christmas Present

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I really wanted to use one of my own photos for my header image, especially one with a lighthouse so I decided to edit one of my own in photoshop. Something I used to do all the time but that I haven’t done a whole lot of lately. I decided to start out with the above photo. I really love it but it was kind of underexposed and I just really wanted to make the red in the lighthouse pop. I am pretty happy with it. I can’t wait for my new computer to come and to be able to use it as a tablet with a pen in photoshop. It will be so much easier I think.

I really liked the idea of the photo being black and white but having the red on the lighthouse. So I played around a bit with adjustment layers and I think I did pretty good. I am really happy with the results. I really want to start using photoshop more. I used to love blending images and making fantasy type scenes. Something I would like to give a go at again.  Oh and if you haven’t guessed… I bought a new computer

I have been wanting a new laptop for a while now. Mine is over 5 years old and got knocked off the table a few months ago and broke. It still works for the most part other than the screen occasionally craps out I am assuming from a loose connection where it’s broken. I have it pretty much paid off so I decided I was going to just pay it out and order a new one, so I did. I ordered the above laptop, a Dell Inspiron 14 5000 series 2 in 1 laptop yesterday. I was considering a gaming one but decided against it. I don’t want to pay that much, especially on credit.

I wanted to keep it under $1000 with taxes and everything, which I did. I’m happy with that. I got it on a 12 month no interest plan so I plan to set up some extra payments and try to pay it off in that 12 months so we don’t pay the interest. I also ordered a Dell active pen with it as it was one of the suggested add-on’s which I normally ignore but I want to be able to draw on it. Once I got the order confirmation I clicked on the link for the pen and realized that it is not listed as compatible with the laptop I got even though it was listed as a compatible accessory.

I called and after being transferred over and over again I was told by that I was right it was not compatible and was transferred to customer service for a refund on the pen and was told they would need to cancel the whole order and start over. I really hate their customer service! So I said the hell with it and am leaving it and will test it out when I get it and if it is not compatible then I will call and request to return it. If I can’t then I will likely just try and sell the pen online. I am sure I can find someone who needs a replacement pen or something for their compatible Dell. I used to have an Adonit Jot Pro pen which worked really well on my phone and tablet so I might look for something like that again if the pen doesn’t work. I know I can find something.

I am so excited to get my new 2 in 1 laptop. Hopefully, I won’t have any major issues with shipping as delivery here seems to be sketchy at best. I would not put it past them to leave a computer outside in the snow or rain or worse. I had issues with the last one as the address did not match what was on my ID (and still won’t as Nova Scotia does not change the addresses on ID’s anymore) and they really gave me a hard time and wouldn’t accept the utility bills I had and this time I have none as all utilities are in my parents name as they are included in our rent. Should be interesting, I can’t remember how I finally got it last time but I am not going to really worry about it. I worry too much about things as it is

Counselling & Other Things

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Image Credit: Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

I finally got a call today from Mental Health Services and the Digby Hospital today. It seems that there is a free wellness clinic on Thursdays at the hospital from 9 – 3. She said all I have to do is show up and register at the registration desk and then I can see a counselor who will do an intake and determine where to go from there. I am unsure how it works but I am glad that at least there is somewhere to start. She said they can determine if some counselling sessions are needed and how often or if I need to be referred to someone else from there. It’s a bit of a relief. I was getting really frustrated and upset about it and feeling like I really needed to talk to someone.

With that and going to physiotherapy tomorrow to be assessed and get some help for the pain that is still there after the accident at least I am now starting to feel like I am getting somewhere. I was told by her today that to see a psychiatrist through mental health is a 3-5 month or longer wait. I go back to work after Christmas and still have not driven at all. I don’t even miss it. Usually, after a day or two of not driving, I am itching to get behind the wheel and go somewhere. At this point, I wouldn’t even get in a car if I didn’t have to and if I even think about driving I start to shake.

I made a bit of a mistake earlier though, my Libre sensor finished yesterday while Eddie was at work and he brought me home two sensors and I should have put one on last night but I didn’t feel like it. This morning I wanted to get a shower and had to wait a bit to ensure my skin was not wet before putting it on or it will just start peeling off. He had left for work already and before leaving we were talking a bit about everything and I still had not got the call I just mentioned yet from mental health and after he left I started feeling shaky and felt like a panic attack was coming on. By this time it was about 3 PM and I had not eaten since breakfast but I failed to notice that at first.

I tried to calm myself down and was talking to him on messenger and told him what was going on (he was on the bus to work) and he tried to calm me down but I just kept feeling shaky and then weak. Thankfully at some point, it occurred to me that maybe this one time it was not a panic attack and was maybe low sugar. I looked for my glucose monitor, test strips and lancet and could not find the case with them in it so I said the hell with it and went and got some glucose tabs and took them then made myself an English muffin.

After about 10 -15 minutes I started feeling less shaky. I put on a new sensor and activated it and waited the hour and sure enough, I was 5.7 which in the grand scheme of things is not low, in fact, it’s perfect but knowing that for the last month and a half (even before the accident) I have been in the teens and ’20s for the most part and after testing it a few times and seeing it curve upwards I know it was likely much lower then that about an hour and twenty or thirty minutes before. Which would have been before I ate and before I had taken anything to try and bring my sugar up.

I honestly don’t know how low I went but it must have been pretty low for me to get shaky because I don’t always get shaky sometimes I don’t know until I pass out. I am damn lucky I figured it out. I still feel pretty weak and now I have a headache on top of it. So, now I have the added anxiety of not being able to tell a panic attack from low blood sugar. Which terrifies the absolute hell out of me. I have to be more careful and I have to ensure I am checking and double-checking (with test strips) my blood sugar right now.

One other thing that’s been bothering me is wondering if some of the pain and fatigue I am feeling after the car accident is maybe because it has triggered a flare with my Fibromyalgia. I have probably mentioned that before and I know I have thought about that since the accident, especially this last week. Even earlier though this morning right after getting a shower I put my pajama’s on like yesterday to dry my hair with the intention of getting changed after and instead I dried my hair and then I fell asleep for an hour on the couch after sleeping about 10 hours the night before. I am so tired. No matter how much sleep I get I just don’t feel rested and each day seems to be adding to the previous day. Each day I am feeling more and more tired and weaker.

I am hoping maybe the physiotherapist might have some ideas or maybe one I tell them everything they might be able to shed some light on it. I feel like if I go back to my family doctor now he is just going to blame it on the accident or the fibromyalgia and not really do anything about it. If there even is anything that can be done. I just hope physio tomorrow does not make me feel worse and not better. I am not sure I can handle feeling much worse then I do now and I feel like one thing is feeding off another.

Maybe moving wasn’t such a great idea…

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Seems I have found another issue with our health system in rural Nova Scotia. I am not sure why I am surprised or if I am even really surprised, but had we stayed in Halifax at least I would likely have had access to counseling and/or to a psychologist. Here, however, there is no one. There appears to be no one taking on patients in Yarmouth, only one psychologist in Digby who is not returning calls and anyone in the Annapolis Valley, Middleton, Kentville or New Minas I called was either retired, semi-retired and/or not taking on patients. The community mental health and addictions program basically told me that they deal more with addictions and other things and don’t deal with PTSD or adjustment disorder type things and that if it was related to a car accident I would need to go through my car insurance or private health insurance and see a private doctor or counselor.

I called them back today as there is no one and the girl was new and didn’t understand why I was told that and said she would have someone contact me about it. I am not very hopeful though. At this point, I just find it frustrating and more than a little bit frightening. Why does it feel like something drastic has to happen before you can get any help? And what if I can’t find anyone or worse yet, what if I can but can’t afford them because my private insurance wants me to pay upfront and be reimbursed or something. I already assume I have to do that with physio, though I am really not sure about that. I really feel like I have no one guiding me or helping me get the help I need. My family and my husband are concerned about me and about it. I’m supposed to go back to work after Christmas and I have not even heard from short-term yet.

I am guessing maybe that is because Friday would have been day 5 and last time it was another 2-3 days before I heard from them so I am guessing mid-week this week. Maybe they can help guide me in the right direction. As long as they don’t give me a hard time about everything. At the moment everything feels pretty hopeless and I feel so helpless. This past weekend was our family Christmas dinner in Freeport. I went because I had promised my mom, that and my family thought it would be good for me. I had a good time in one way and it was good to get out but it tired me out so much both physically and mentally. I had a really hard time with the drive and getting on and off of the ferry (the ramps). I am not scared of the ferry itself and love the feeling of being on the water. I just hated the drive and the feelings of panic it caused. At the same time, the places I saw and stories I heard brought back memories of my Uncle and my Grandparents and some other family members or friends of the family that have passed on. It’s made me miss my Grandparents and my Uncle so much.

I woke up this morning feeling really down. I slept in till 9 am and only got up because I wanted to get in the shower before Eddie went to work. With the pain I have been in and the way I have been feeling I didn’t want to get in the shower when I was home alone. After the shower, while putting my pajamas back on to dry my hair before getting dressed I started crying again out of nowhere. I think Eddie was concerned about going to work and leaving me alone but at the same time, he had to. So he went but he texted me the whole bus ride to work. I am so bad right now that even him or the thought of anyone in my family being in a vehicle really bothers me, which annoys me because it is so stupid, but it does.

 
I never made it out of my pajamas this morning and I am still in them and on the couch under my heated blanket watching foreign TV shows. I am a huge fan of both WWII shows and medical shows and I noticed Charité at War on Netflix Canada a few days ago and was about to watch it when I realized that Charité was the first series which was set in the 1880’s. I was interested and it had some good German actors in it that I have heard of so I figured I would start with Charité and then watch Charité at War after, and I really loved them both, both ended up being really good. I didn’t even find them hard to follow, but maybe because I can understand some German. The hardest part for me is that they talk a bit too fast for me to follow, but the subtitles helped with that and I only had to rewind once or twice to catch something I missed. I finished the second series today.

 
Next, I am going to watch a Danish one called The Day Will Come, about brothers who end up in an orphanage in the late 1960s and a cruel headmaster. The Day Will Come is in Danish so I will have to pay a bit more attention to the subtitles but I am sure I will still get most of it. It has good reviews. I am really getting into foreign shows on Netflix. I will have to look and see what other ones are there. I previously really liked Cable Girls on Netflix which was Spanish. I did find it a bit harder to follow, but at least they are giving me something to do while I wait for Eddie to get home from work. Mom’s supposed to pick him up at 8 and bring him home. Another thing I feel tremendous guilt about. Not being able to go out and get him. I used to enjoy it. Enjoy the time in the car driving and waiting for him, now I don’t even want to think about it…