Sometimes to know just how fortunate you are and to know how far you have come over the years can be really empowering. I don’t really use Google + much but I decided the other day to work on my profile a bit and start adding people.
While doing this I clicked on images and there was blogger.com images there. I remembered then that I had a blog on Blogger at one time. It’s not much. Just four posts from 2008/2009. A little less than six years ago. This would have been just a few months before I went to Afghanistan in 2009 and the month I came back.
All four posts are quite something for me to read. I am going to include one here. I am going to warn you though, it deals with abuse by a significant other (one of my ex’s) and it deals with thoughts of suicide so read with caution if you do read it. Looking back on this I am really proud of myself. That I kept on going, that I realised my own self worth and that I fought to get out of the relationship.
Some things can end…
I’m laying here in bed trying to get my ass moving. All I want to do is stay in bed. It’s cozy, it’s comfortable, it’s warm, and most of all it feel safe. I just don’t want to get up.
I’ve had so much time to think these last few days. And I am really proud of what I did. It was hard to just walk away. But I did it. And I am doing good. I feel like I accomplished something really important. That first step.
I have been in hell the last little while. Sometimes I thought it just wasn’t worth it to go on. I don’t know how many times I felt it would be so easy to just let go at night when I was driving home. If I wasn’t here then I wouldn’t have any problems.
But that wouldn’t solve anything. And with my luck all it would accomplish is getting me seriously hurt. It just not worth it. No matter what. I was given this life for a reason. I might not know what it is right now but I can’t just throw it away.
The more and more I think about it the madder I become at myself. I always said I would never be one of those girls that would let someone use and abuse her. I kept telling myself that he wasn’t. That it was the accident. That he was just having a hard time.
But no matter what the reason behind it… I didn’t deserve it. Maybe he knew what he was doing. And maybe he didn’t. But either way he hurt me. Over and over and over again. And I just kept letting him do it. I felt like I’d never do any better.
But I can and I will one day.
I said before that maybe it wasn’t physical abuse. And maybe it wasn’t sexual. But in some ways it was. It was definitely mental. He’d overpower me. Nothing I said mattered. I just wasn’t good enough.
If I said no. He never took me seriously. I could say it over and over again and he’s ignore me. He’d tell me I wanted it. He’d convince me I owed him for things I did to him. But what the hell did I really do? Nothing. I even started crying towards the end. Not wanting to touch him or be touched. It was so wrong and I didn’t even see it. And I don’t know why.
What the hell did I do to deserve it? Nothing. Nothing at all. Not in the beginning and not in the end. Because no matter what I did. Nothing could make it alright for someone to do that.
I can move on. I am moving on. It’s one of those things you learn from. I don’t have to be afraid. Because no one else can hurt me. Not if I don’t let them. I have to let them in. I can’t push people away no matter how much I want to. And I wont. But I don’t have to let anyone hurt me either.
I’m not proud at all that I stuck that out for a year. That I let anyone do that to me for so long. But I AM proud that I put an end to it. That I said “fuck you” and walked away.
I’m not mad, I’m not angry. I don’t even hate him. Maybe I really should be. But I am not. I just hope he gets the help he needs before someone else ends up hurt. I will never go through that again. Not with anyone.
I deserve better then that and one day I am going to have better then that with someone else.
For some reason I just can’t explain. I know things will be ok. I just feel it.
If you would like to read the other four posts you can find theme here. As you can see I used “storyboutagirl” back then, and even further back. It just fits. I am actually impressed with the quality of my writing back then. I think it is even better than it is now. That was raw emotion.
It mentions one year but actually that one year was just the tip of the iceberg. We had actually been together over 4 years at that point and the change was gradual. He got worse and worse towards the end. Really the abuse was throughout.
I did go back one more time after that for a few months when I came back from Afghanistan. It was a pivotal point in my life. I was lost and he was familiar. The abuse continue and became violent. He threw me down stairs. He started leaving marks. If I think about it he left marks before… That woke me up and I ended it for real. 5 years ago and I did not look back.
If you know anyone suffering from abuse, make sure you let them know that there is help out there. Let them know that their life is precious and that they can overcome anything if they put some work into it. I know that my best friend Erin was really supportive and she helped me see what he was doing to me. She helped me make the decision to move on. There was other friends and especially my family involved in that decision as well, but she was the one that made the lasting impression and I love her for it.
I wish that I could still pour my heart out like I did in those posts, this one especially, however I do take some solace in the fact that I probably don’t have to which is why I do not.