bored, tired, hot and grumpy lol

God for Canada it’s fucking hot! Lol, granted we usually get hot hummid summers in NS but I can barely stand this it’s aweful. I feel like I’m sitting in a sauna and my window’s open as far as I can get it and still have a screen to protect against bugs and I shut my light off hoping that’ll help a bit but I really need a fan or something in here.

I think I’ve managed to make all of them mad at me now, no one is talking to me. I e-mailed Tara and apologized. I hope she’ll understand. I know I mad a large large mistake. I’m just so tired of all this. I’m worried about going back to work on July 3rd. I hope she doesn’t tell anyone. Well one person in specific or it might be all over by the time I get there (I may be wrong about that and I hope to hell I am that she’d keep it to herself, maybe I’m just being to quick to judge but she – not Tara, the other un named person – just seems like the type that might, then again after her experiance there maybe she wont and there I go assuming things again! I really have to stop that before I really hurt and piss someone off) anyways where was I? I have no idea. So anyways I think it was work I’m scared to go back for quite a few reasons. 1) If Tara is mad then it’s going to be really awkward. 2) If she told anyone I’ll feel like a total idiot and I really don’t need that. 3) I’m just scared to go back, cause everyone is going to want to know why I was gone in the first place. And I don’t want to tell them the truth. I think some of them there think I’m odd enough allready.

Ok now I’m worried. I can’t log on to get my schedule. It wont except my username and password. I hope I haven’t screwed up. I did what I was told and dropped the letter off I thought that was all I was supposed to do. I called Bethany the day I got the letter and told her they put me off of work till July 3rd. She said ok and I said when do you want me to bring in the note. She said tomorrow will be ok. Which was saturday. She actually said whenever and I said I can bring it in now and she said no tomorrow will be fine. I didn’t get in on Saturday but I did Sunday but no one called or said anything and I never thought to call. All I need now is to loose the job too. I’ll be done if that happens. I can’t take that now on top of loosing my boyfriend and the only friends I have that actually do things with me other then Tara H.

I know I’m just rambling on but I have nothing else to do so this gives me a way to let out my frustration in a non violent way. Most people in my life, even my closest friends don’t know that I hurt myself. It’s not your typical SI”ing”. I will do other things. Yes I’ll cut but usually that’s only when it happened by accident I’ll sometimes do it again just to feel the pain. But I’ll do other things. Like burn myself, or pick at an old scab or scar till it bleeds again. I kept my nails short partially cause I’m a bitter but also cause nails can do a lot of injury to skin when your really upset. This is all stuff that’ll need to come out in therapy I guess and this is the first time I’ve really wrote about it. No one knows other then Tara H. And she only knows a little.

I wake up almost every morning and I wonder “why get up? what will happen today that will make it worth even getting up?”. What’s the point in getting up and going to work only to come home and feel like I’ve acomplished absolutely nothing. I feel like my life has been on hold for more then 5 years now. It was only the last few months that I started to feel human again. And I went and totally ruined it for myself. Thats so typical of what I’ve done in the past. Talk about “Changing Patterns” maybe I need to write all this down and bring it to group. Actually that’s a damn good idea. Maybe they’ll give me another chance to talk. I still think journaling is one of the best therapies in the world though! It really helps to just get your feelings and frustrations and everything out there. I’m not a big handwritter so thank god for computers and places like Livejournal.

I found a new song that really applies to me right now. It’s odd how I do that but since I can’t seem to write songs or poems myself I look for ones that say how I feel. I love the one I’m listening to right now. It’s called Counting Headlights by Liam Titcomb (which I just spent 20 minutes looking for the lyrics for and now lost my train of thought).

Umm… I still wanna write but can’t think of anything more to write so…

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