can’t think of a subject

Why is it that when you find someone your think could eventually be the right person and someone you might be able to have a long relationship with you mess it up. Or me rather. Am I the only one out there that does that? He seems like such a sweetheart. Brought me breakfast in bed. Bought shampoo for me cause he had none (doesn’t use it cause he has no hair). Says he’s gonna get me something I’ll really like for my birthday. No other guy has cared enough to even give me a card before never mind plan my present out ahead of time.

So I go and call to often and make him mad and text him to much and cost him to much money. I’m sure it’s more than that but don’t I at least deserve some sort of explanation face to face? Why do people always take the easy way out. A quick e-mail or phone call saying see ya later. I really wish we had just stayed friends for a bit longer and maybe it might have worked out. But why go into the might haves and should haves. I fucked up. No other way around it. But this time I really hurt someone that matters to me a lot.

I can’t describe how he made me feel and how I felt (feel) about him. I cared about him a lot. Was I in love? I don’t know, I wouldn’t know love if it bit me on the ass. I don’t understand why I have a loving mother and father and brother (well he loves me some of the time) and family and yet I always feel so abandoned and lonely. Doesn’t there love count? It hurts and makes me feel guilty that I want more. That I want someone who doesn’t have to love me, to love me for once in my life. I am tired of people just walking out of my life like I’m a piece of garbage then can throw away without a thought. I think this time is different. I think he thought. I think he’s thinking. But I guess I hurt him beyond repair. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could go back in time and start over.

I really wish I new how to express my feelings without going overboard and scaring people off. But I’m just so scared of being abandoned that I cause people to do just that out of desperation. Maybe it comes down to past experiences. Maybe it’s something in my brain. Maybe there is no excuse and I just have to own up to my behavior. I need to stop pushing people away and let them in. But they have to understand that depression is an illness the same as cancer. That I can’t help it. That I can’t “just be happy” as someone said. It’s not that simple. If it was I wouldn’t be depressed. I had to go to my mom’s doctor today because mine broke her arm and he put me off work till July 3rd and I am starting 15mg (half a 30mg pill) of Remeron at night to help with the depression. He said a major side effect is it makes you sleep which at the moment wont be to bad since I’m off work and I’m not sleeping well at night anyways.

I hope like hell he’ll give it a few days and miss me and call me. I owe him an apology big time but I can’t apologize and try to amend if I’m being ignored. Even I’m not that good… I do try and I wish people would see that. I live with this everyday. And I know I’m not the only one out there. And I know that most people (not all but most) will not fully understand even if they think they do unless they’ve been there. And even some that have been there don’t understand.

When I was with him I felt like I was with someone who cared about me. I felt like he really mattered to me and I really mattered to him. He was my ray of sunshine on a bright sunny day. Someone to pick my up when I was down and someone I could do the same for. With him I wanted to give. I’ve never felt that before. I never cared enough to give of myself to anyone before. It wasn’t worth it. They just stomped on it before throwing it back in my face. He wouldn’t have. He’d have giving in return and really appreciate it. And so would I. This sounds so corny I know but what the hell. What other way can I put it. I’m not a writer or a poet. I just wanted him to know I cared and know that I knew he cared and now I’m afraid it’s too late for that.

I wish you knew how sorry I am and how much I want the chance to make it up to you. Please give me the chance to prove to you that I do care and that I know you care too. I was so wrong about that. I’m sorry about calling to much. I know it something I needed (need whatever) to work on and I only did it cause I liked hearing your voice and talking to you. I really meant nothing by it. In the end it was out of desperation and fear and I’m so so so sorry! More then you’ll ever know it seems.

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