I feel like I’ve lost all control

This is not necessarily only about diabetes but my depression and anxiety too, that being said diabetes is such a frustrating disease! Just when you feel like you are getting somewhere and you are proud of yourself something happens and it all goes to shit. I’d like to blame being at home but really I can’t, that should be one of the times I have more control, not less. I’d like to say I am eating the same things as I was when I was out working but again I can’t, I’m not. I do eat a lot of the same things. But now I have free access to everything in the fridge and the cupboards and though sometimes I am not even hungry other times I feel constantly hungry. It’s a little hard to explain, to be honest. I think honestly it’s more mental than physical.

Since childhood, I’ve always just been a creature of habit. I get into habits easily. Even if it makes no sense. I don’t get great pleasure out of food usually. I’m not huge on tastes or textures, in fact, a lot of textures turn me off. I’m sensitive to smell. I won’t eat certain food just because of the smell. When I was little I survived on Kraft dinner and bread and water. I would not eat anything else. It wasn’t until I was in my teens that I even tried pizza and then I would only eat cheese and pepperoni. I got used to some of the dishes my parents made in my pre-teens and teens such as spaghetti, sheppard’s pie, tacos, scalloped potatoes, and ham or bologna but I was very limited. No matter how much they tried I would not eat anything else.

In my teens, I started trying other things, got hooked on Pepsi and root beer, pizza, chicken nuggets, fries, and other things. Typical teen things. Again though, I would not try anything else. If my parents got Chinese I would eat plain steamed rice and soya sauce. Eventually, I took a liking to ginger beef but even now that’s the only Chinese takeout food I will eat.  I can’t handle spicy. I started eating stew in my 20’s and fajitas. Everything though I liked rather plain. I was never a fan of sauces, spices, or anything like that. Imagine eating spaghetti with nothing but margarine and maybe a little sprinkled parmesan? Or a hamburger with nothing on it. Eventually, I started adding bacon (my go-to now) but otherwise, I wouldn’t eat much. Even veggies it was simply corn, carrots, or cucumber. Greens I would only eat romaine or head lettuce. Fruits it was apples, oranges. Berries it was simply strawberry or raspberries.

Over the last few years, I have really opened up my tastes and started trying things I wouldn’t even consider before.  I had started eating more veggies and trying new ones, same with fruits and greens. I started liking more varieties of stuff and was getting more adventurous. I have never been much of a cook but Edward likes cooking. I do know how. It’s not that. I even know a lot of the recipes my parents used off by heart but I would walk him through it rather than doing it myself. I guess I had no confidence in myself and still don’t. Sometimes I think it has to do with depression and anxiety as well though. The anxiety makes it so I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and then anxious really easily. I see this a lot with every day things like cooking, cleaning, and other household chores. I also don’t like going into the grocery store alone. The selection intimidates me. Trying to turn recipes or meal ideas into a grocery list overwhelms me.

Anyway, I had been doing really good with drinking more water, only diet pop occasionally and cutting back on sweets, eating veggies and fruits and we were making (well, Eddie really) meals up ahead of time so we had leftovers and using my freestyle libra I was getting decent results with my blood sugar. Now I just seem to have lost all control. I eat what I like when I like again. I drink more diet pop or even sometimes regular rather than water. We don’t make meals up ahead of time much anymore. We don’t by veggies or fresh meat much. I guess some of that can be blamed on supply which is a little rough right now but I know that even with exercise and eating semi-decent foods I can get my sugars back under control.

Mentally though I am having a hard time rallying myself and getting things back under control. I feel a bit lost actually. In so many ways. Some of it has to do with things going on right now all around the world but it started way before this. It started about the time I stopped working. It was such a big setback to me at the time and I still haven’t quite got over it. I have things that I feel like I should be able to do easily that seem such a big struggle, like cleaning and cooking. I’ve never been big on either but I did it out of necessity. Maybe having someone else around is fostering laziness in me that was already there? Not sure.

One thing I was really proud of this past month was the fact that I lost 20lbs, but looking back on it I realized that I was kind of cheating myself because I did not lose it due to good control, healthier eating, exercising, etc., instead, I lost it because I was extremely sick at the beginning of the month (again). I didn’t want to eat anything, I wasn’t eating anything, I had constant bouts of diarrhea and slept 20 hours a day or more with whatever it was that I got. Add antibiotics to that which caused more issues and it was easy to lose 20lbs in about 3 weeks. In less then a week I have gained 5 back. So yeah, I really can’t take credit for that. One good thing though is the 20lbs lost made a big difference in my pain. So I need to grab onto that, grab onto the way it made me feel good and work on losing more, getting healthier both physically and mentally, and really concentrating on school so that this is not another missed opportunity.

Speaking of that, I have school starting in a month. I registered my courses and have my list of courses for the semester. I got my school email account all set up. I’ve been doing some prep work to ensure I don’t get stuck or lost in my courses, but not as much as I would have liked. I’ve stalled there a bit too, which scares me. I feel like my biggest issue right now is my loss of control on so many aspects of my life. So many good things, but so many bad things. Even the good are daunting and cause me anxiety. Normal, I know, even for someone without depression or anxiety. The difference is they learn to cope. At the moment I don’t feel I am. Thankfully I have a Zoom appointment with my psychologist this week on Thursday.

She is really great. She encourages my blogging and encourages me to get out and try new things and explore. I have never felt in the past that therapy has helped me much and always had rather bad experiences with it. She’s different though. I feel like I’m making breakthroughs with her. My husband and family back me up on things as well. They are super supportive. My husband sometimes though gives in because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or he just wants to make me happy and sometimes pushing me to eat healthily and not eat things I want feels to him like he is being mean, at the same time though he understands my health is in jeopardy so I think he struggles as well with that balance as well.

I know I will get through this, if nothing else I a stubborn as fuck. Even if I sometimes give in when the going gets tough I pick myself back up, tell myself no, I can not give in and I try again, even if it takes a while to get to that conclusion (umm… like 20 years for school, but who’s counting anyway). Again, I know I will get through this. I have support both professionally and through friends and family some of who have always been there and others who are newer but super supportive. I’ve just got to keep pushing myself outside my comfort zone and never give up and on that note, it applies to my diabetes as well. I can’t give up. If I make a mistake I need to just get up, dust off, and try again. Really use the CGM to watch for trends, watch how certain foods affect me, and find suitable alternatives that I still like and satisfy any cravings I have.

I so badly want to get everything under control. I feel better obviously when my blood sugar is in my goal range (5-10 mmol/l) and I know that the complications can be really bad if I don’t regain and keep control. I have seen it in my father and my grandmother. My mom too to a point. She’s a little better at controlling hers than my Dad and I though (yes, my mom, dad, and I are all type 2 and so was dad’s mom). It can be frustrating but at the same time, it can be interesting too. I know being able to cook and bake would be beneficial here because I can learn to change recipes to suit my needs (ie. no sugar, low carb, etc) but still satisfy my sweet tooth and still make me feel like I am not sacrificing. I just have to get better at it. Really push myself, the problem is there is so much I need to change, so much I need to improve or learn that it again seems so daunting. I am not giving up though. Never. I will always keep trying.

When you needs answers…

First off I just really want to say a big thank you so so much to everyone who has commented or even just read my posts over the last few months. Your support and comments have meant the world to me. Not even one bit of negativity or bashing from anyone. Just all kind thoughts and support and I really really appreciate it. This is why I love blogging and all of you guys!

As you may have guess from the title I want to write a little about things that have been going on with me in part over the last few months but really ever since all of this started years ago. In all of this there is one thing that has really really been bothering me. The need to basically “self-diagnose” because our health care system is so broken that it takes 5, 10, 15, 20 plus years to get a diagnosis and for me at least the diagnosis’s I have gotten just never really seem to fit or make sense fully.

I kind of feel like all that is now coming to a head and that I am actually starting to get somewhere, but not because of my doctor or the healthcare system here in Nova Scotia (or Canada in general), but instead because myself, my husband, my mom and my aunt (who is a nurse) have been doing tons and tons of research and trying to really figure out what is going on with me.

The health care system here has really failed me as it has so many people for both my mental and my physical health. Sure we have free health care. I can go to a hospital and not worry about getting a bill for it or have a MRI done in a provincial hospital and not worry about the bill, but at what cost? If I had a broken bone or a very typical illness or an emergency, this is great and I would get the help that I need.

However, if like myself or the thousands of people in my province  or the tens or even hundreds of thousands of people in the country like myself who have a “invisible illness” this is not the case. I have waited probably half my life for a proper diagnosis and treatment for all my symptoms. The wait time for specialists such as Internal Medicine, Cardiology, Neurology, Rheumetology and tons more (due to shortages as we do not pay them enough) is months if not years.

The wait for public funded services such as Mamograms, CTs, MRIs, Physio, etc is months or years as well unless an emergency in which it can still be a few days, weeks, or even months sometimes. I have a been referred to a pain clinic and my wait time as of right now is 9 to 12 months, once they find a doctor, they do not even have a doctor at the moment! She retired and there is literally no one to replace her. They have been searching for months. So when they finally do find one my wait will be another 9-12 months after that.

So what does that mean? I had to be put on the lists for places, 1, 2, 3 or more hours away and hope that maybe just maybe they will have an opening before the original one does and I will have to drive half way or more across the province to get the help I need and that is not even the worst of it, some people have to go out of province, sometimes 1, 2 or 3 provinces away to get the help they need.

It’s no wonder myself and so many other people are turning to self-diagnosis. My family doctor has been my family doctor now for almost 20 years. He is a great guy and I used to trust him completely. Lately though he like so many other family doctors around here have to double and triple book patients every 15 minutes because there is so many of them. I get maybe 5 min if I am lucky with him. By the time he reads my chart he is already thinking about the next patient and not giving me his full attention. It’s not his fault. He works from 8:30 a.m. to 9 p.m. 6 days a week. He fills in for the on call doctors. I get no where because he doesn’t have time to listen and just rattles off a prescription.

The waiting list for Nova Scotian’s without a family doctor has topped 50,000 last year from 10,000 less then two years before that. Doctors are retiring or moving and there is no one to replace them fast enough. Same with nurses and other health care professionals and health care service providers. Most are understaffed, underpaid and don’t have the resources they need. I know it could be worse and probably will be at some point.

So because of this I have been making a list of my symptoms, which I will list below and I have been doing research on sites such as WebMD, Mayo Clinic, University hospital sites, etc, as well as watching a ton of YouTube videos by people suffering from similar symptoms to see what their diagnosis’s are and see if I can find some common ground with some of my symptoms. Now, I am a Type 2 diabetic and I do have Fibromyalgia and those I do not doubt. It’s plainly obvious I am diabetic and medication works. As for Fibro I am sure I have it and don’t doubt that diagnosis at all, however I do not feel that it even covers a quarter of my symptoms.

Here is a list:

  • – constant fatigue that is not helped by sleep
  • – brain fog or a fuzzy feeling in my head
  • – weakness in my neck, arm and leg muscles
  • – difficulty concentrating and finding words or forming sentences
  • – constant headache (feels like a tension type headache or pressure and in the back of my head around where my skull meets my neck and basically all over)
  • – head feels heavy and I feel like a bobble-head doll (literally swaying and bouncing feeling even when sitting or standing still)
  • – pain in my head, neck and also in my back, and legs when standing
  • – numbness and tingling in my extremities
  • – constant thirst (could be from my diabetes but happens even when my sugars are controlled and stable and not going up and down drastically and are in the normal range)
  • – constantly have to pee every 15-30 minutes, very little pee (same as above, even when sugars are stable, etc)
  • – sleep disturbances (waking up nauseous, dizzy, heart pounding)
  • – feel dizzy when standing from a sitting or laying position (sometimes I pass out and fall or just black out, I can still hear when my vision starts to fade into a “black out” and stand but I can’t walk because I have no sense of direction or where I am or what is around me)
  • – heart rate increases when standing from a sitting or laying position (when laying down I am about 70-75 and when sitting 80-85, when standing I go to 120 or higher quite often, but not always. I have gone from 70 to 145 in about 3 minutes)
  • – nausea and vomiting (I pass out just about every time if I bend over the toilet, a bucket, whatever while vomiting so I have to vomit in the bathroom sink then clean the sink after or hold a bucket on my lap while sitting).
  • – when sitting my hands and feet get really cold and blue or mottled looking
  • – when I stand my feet and shins get red and hot the longer I stand same with my hands and arms below my elbows (this is not super noticeable and not bothersome)
  • – when standing up my vision blurs, sometimes I get black spots (not floaters but almost like grey or black paint ball shaped spots, sometimes somewhat see-through)
  • – ringing in the ears
  • – balance issues and falling easily
  • – issues swallowing sometimes out of no where
  • – get hot really easily and feel like I am going to pass out especially when sitting up or standing, face flushes but my hands and feet are still cold
  • – heartburn, vomiting undigested food a lot
  • – chronic diarrhea and constipation both sometimes at the same time (ie, constipation for hours followed by diarrhea when I can finally go)
  • – shortness of breath
  • – chest pain
  • – palpitations
  • – increased sweating/night sweats (I still feel cold)
  • – asthma like symptoms even though I have been tested and pass the tests, my doctor still treats me with inhalers.
  • – shakiness
  • – panic attacks/anxiety
  • – depression

So what do all of those symptoms have in common? Well, for the longest time all I could say was “Hell if I know”. I could not get any doctor to make sense of them. At that point I had not actually checked my heart rate and I have never taken note of my blood pressure when standing so they would not have had any of that information at the time. I also likely never listed it all out at once, It was symptoms that came on over months and I would complain about them and he would try a medication to treat the symptom without really trying to get to much at the reason why. After I while I would stop mentioning it but was still happening and I would just mention new ones as they came along.

After my aunt did a lot of research she mentioned to me a couple months ago it sounds like POTS or Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome which is essentially not enough blood getting back up to your heart when standing from a sitting or lying position which makes your heart beat faster and causes dizziness and can sometimes cause syncope (fainting) in a certain percentage of people with it. It is commonly caused by or associated with EDS or Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome but can be caused by other things. She wondered if I might have EDS due to the pain I was in and the fact I have dislocated joints a lot more then most people and the fact that every scar I have (and I have a few) are keloid scars which is common in people with EDS because of thin stretch skin.

However EDS didn’t quite fit because even though I have dislocated joints it wasn’t doing day to day activities it was from injuries such as falls and such. I do not appear to have hypermobility of joints at all as an adult in fact quite the opposite. As a child I was only mildly hypermobile but I was into a lot of sports, gymnastics, figure skating, etc. I also do not have stretch or thin skin even though all my scars become keloid scars, the skin itself does not stretch far and does not rip easily at all.

POTS fits almost all of my symptoms perfectly. I finally felt like I had a possible answer that made sense. While researching to more I wondered if any of my previous car accidents had anything to do with it. Up until my car accident in 2009 I was doing really well and though I did not think I got hurt in the car accident I am now starting to wonder if it did cause some issues, since then I have been in 3 more. One where we were hit head on on an 80km road by someone turning left and then the two with deer. The last of which was just a few months ago. 3 of the 4 accidents totaled the cars we were in. Only the last one did total the car but it came super close.

On a POTS Facebook group someone asked if others felt like they were “floating” all the time. I replied and said that I yes but more of a “bobble-head” sensation and someone else replied to look up Craniocervical instability and I did and it fits the rest of my symptoms perfectly and even explains the cause of the POTS if I do indeed have them. Now, I know the dangers of self-diagnosing but at the same time, when you have no other choice you start looking for answers and I am wondering if I could potentially finally have them. I know I as well I have said that before and again that is the danger of self-diagnosing but again at this point I feel that I really need to advocate for myself and really need to push to be checked and tested for these two things. I am really hoping for once I am on the right track but I know there is a good chance we could be wrong as well.

I just wish I knew how to get the help I need to get to the root of all the symptoms whether or not it is these two things or something else all together. I am so tired of being tired and in pain. It’s affecting my life so bad right now that I am struggling so hard to cope and I am concerned of the toll it is taking on my mental health. It’s not like I can just go to a new doctor, since there are none to switch too. So I have to keep trying on my own to get them to listen and help me.

Counselling & Other Things

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Image Credit: Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

I finally got a call today from Mental Health Services and the Digby Hospital today. It seems that there is a free wellness clinic on Thursdays at the hospital from 9 – 3. She said all I have to do is show up and register at the registration desk and then I can see a counselor who will do an intake and determine where to go from there. I am unsure how it works but I am glad that at least there is somewhere to start. She said they can determine if some counselling sessions are needed and how often or if I need to be referred to someone else from there. It’s a bit of a relief. I was getting really frustrated and upset about it and feeling like I really needed to talk to someone.

With that and going to physiotherapy tomorrow to be assessed and get some help for the pain that is still there after the accident at least I am now starting to feel like I am getting somewhere. I was told by her today that to see a psychiatrist through mental health is a 3-5 month or longer wait. I go back to work after Christmas and still have not driven at all. I don’t even miss it. Usually, after a day or two of not driving, I am itching to get behind the wheel and go somewhere. At this point, I wouldn’t even get in a car if I didn’t have to and if I even think about driving I start to shake.

I made a bit of a mistake earlier though, my Libre sensor finished yesterday while Eddie was at work and he brought me home two sensors and I should have put one on last night but I didn’t feel like it. This morning I wanted to get a shower and had to wait a bit to ensure my skin was not wet before putting it on or it will just start peeling off. He had left for work already and before leaving we were talking a bit about everything and I still had not got the call I just mentioned yet from mental health and after he left I started feeling shaky and felt like a panic attack was coming on. By this time it was about 3 PM and I had not eaten since breakfast but I failed to notice that at first.

I tried to calm myself down and was talking to him on messenger and told him what was going on (he was on the bus to work) and he tried to calm me down but I just kept feeling shaky and then weak. Thankfully at some point, it occurred to me that maybe this one time it was not a panic attack and was maybe low sugar. I looked for my glucose monitor, test strips and lancet and could not find the case with them in it so I said the hell with it and went and got some glucose tabs and took them then made myself an English muffin.

After about 10 -15 minutes I started feeling less shaky. I put on a new sensor and activated it and waited the hour and sure enough, I was 5.7 which in the grand scheme of things is not low, in fact, it’s perfect but knowing that for the last month and a half (even before the accident) I have been in the teens and ’20s for the most part and after testing it a few times and seeing it curve upwards I know it was likely much lower then that about an hour and twenty or thirty minutes before. Which would have been before I ate and before I had taken anything to try and bring my sugar up.

I honestly don’t know how low I went but it must have been pretty low for me to get shaky because I don’t always get shaky sometimes I don’t know until I pass out. I am damn lucky I figured it out. I still feel pretty weak and now I have a headache on top of it. So, now I have the added anxiety of not being able to tell a panic attack from low blood sugar. Which terrifies the absolute hell out of me. I have to be more careful and I have to ensure I am checking and double-checking (with test strips) my blood sugar right now.

One other thing that’s been bothering me is wondering if some of the pain and fatigue I am feeling after the car accident is maybe because it has triggered a flare with my Fibromyalgia. I have probably mentioned that before and I know I have thought about that since the accident, especially this last week. Even earlier though this morning right after getting a shower I put my pajama’s on like yesterday to dry my hair with the intention of getting changed after and instead I dried my hair and then I fell asleep for an hour on the couch after sleeping about 10 hours the night before. I am so tired. No matter how much sleep I get I just don’t feel rested and each day seems to be adding to the previous day. Each day I am feeling more and more tired and weaker.

I am hoping maybe the physiotherapist might have some ideas or maybe one I tell them everything they might be able to shed some light on it. I feel like if I go back to my family doctor now he is just going to blame it on the accident or the fibromyalgia and not really do anything about it. If there even is anything that can be done. I just hope physio tomorrow does not make me feel worse and not better. I am not sure I can handle feeling much worse then I do now and I feel like one thing is feeding off another.