Maybe moving wasn’t such a great idea…

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Seems I have found another issue with our health system in rural Nova Scotia. I am not sure why I am surprised or if I am even really surprised, but had we stayed in Halifax at least I would likely have had access to counseling and/or to a psychologist. Here, however, there is no one. There appears to be no one taking on patients in Yarmouth, only one psychologist in Digby who is not returning calls and anyone in the Annapolis Valley, Middleton, Kentville or New Minas I called was either retired, semi-retired and/or not taking on patients. The community mental health and addictions program basically told me that they deal more with addictions and other things and don’t deal with PTSD or adjustment disorder type things and that if it was related to a car accident I would need to go through my car insurance or private health insurance and see a private doctor or counselor.

I called them back today as there is no one and the girl was new and didn’t understand why I was told that and said she would have someone contact me about it. I am not very hopeful though. At this point, I just find it frustrating and more than a little bit frightening. Why does it feel like something drastic has to happen before you can get any help? And what if I can’t find anyone or worse yet, what if I can but can’t afford them because my private insurance wants me to pay upfront and be reimbursed or something. I already assume I have to do that with physio, though I am really not sure about that. I really feel like I have no one guiding me or helping me get the help I need. My family and my husband are concerned about me and about it. I’m supposed to go back to work after Christmas and I have not even heard from short-term yet.

I am guessing maybe that is because Friday would have been day 5 and last time it was another 2-3 days before I heard from them so I am guessing mid-week this week. Maybe they can help guide me in the right direction. As long as they don’t give me a hard time about everything. At the moment everything feels pretty hopeless and I feel so helpless. This past weekend was our family Christmas dinner in Freeport. I went because I had promised my mom, that and my family thought it would be good for me. I had a good time in one way and it was good to get out but it tired me out so much both physically and mentally. I had a really hard time with the drive and getting on and off of the ferry (the ramps). I am not scared of the ferry itself and love the feeling of being on the water. I just hated the drive and the feelings of panic it caused. At the same time, the places I saw and stories I heard brought back memories of my Uncle and my Grandparents and some other family members or friends of the family that have passed on. It’s made me miss my Grandparents and my Uncle so much.

I woke up this morning feeling really down. I slept in till 9 am and only got up because I wanted to get in the shower before Eddie went to work. With the pain I have been in and the way I have been feeling I didn’t want to get in the shower when I was home alone. After the shower, while putting my pajamas back on to dry my hair before getting dressed I started crying again out of nowhere. I think Eddie was concerned about going to work and leaving me alone but at the same time, he had to. So he went but he texted me the whole bus ride to work. I am so bad right now that even him or the thought of anyone in my family being in a vehicle really bothers me, which annoys me because it is so stupid, but it does.

 
I never made it out of my pajamas this morning and I am still in them and on the couch under my heated blanket watching foreign TV shows. I am a huge fan of both WWII shows and medical shows and I noticed Charité at War on Netflix Canada a few days ago and was about to watch it when I realized that Charité was the first series which was set in the 1880’s. I was interested and it had some good German actors in it that I have heard of so I figured I would start with Charité and then watch Charité at War after, and I really loved them both, both ended up being really good. I didn’t even find them hard to follow, but maybe because I can understand some German. The hardest part for me is that they talk a bit too fast for me to follow, but the subtitles helped with that and I only had to rewind once or twice to catch something I missed. I finished the second series today.

 
Next, I am going to watch a Danish one called The Day Will Come, about brothers who end up in an orphanage in the late 1960s and a cruel headmaster. The Day Will Come is in Danish so I will have to pay a bit more attention to the subtitles but I am sure I will still get most of it. It has good reviews. I am really getting into foreign shows on Netflix. I will have to look and see what other ones are there. I previously really liked Cable Girls on Netflix which was Spanish. I did find it a bit harder to follow, but at least they are giving me something to do while I wait for Eddie to get home from work. Mom’s supposed to pick him up at 8 and bring him home. Another thing I feel tremendous guilt about. Not being able to go out and get him. I used to enjoy it. Enjoy the time in the car driving and waiting for him, now I don’t even want to think about it…

It all came tumbling down

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Image Credit: PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Trigger warning: This post could be triggering to some, please read with caution.

I am in a bit of a dark place right now. I am crying a bit as I write this but I need to get it out. I am really having a hard time right now. More so than I ever would have imagined. The car accident has really affected me in more ways then I could ever really have realized. I have become depressed, anxious and having panic attacks, all things that I really thought I had put behind me, that I had gotten under control and then even seemed to have pretty much disappeared. I have been doing so well, even through some pretty rough and tough times. I have been off medication years and not having many symptoms of anxiety and none of depression at all.

Well, it all came crashing down the day before yesterday when I was driving on my way into work in Bridgetown (I will get into that later in the post more) and I will admit I have been nervous since the accident and even to the point of crying or shaking a little bit while driving. I have had nightmares and just your typical nervousness or anxiety after an accident, or so I thought. We picked up the rental on Tuesday (a week ago) and I drove it to Digby with Eddie in the car with me to get a coffee for him than home. I drove him into work Wednesday and drove back and was nervous but nothing major, at least I don’t think. Mom picked me than him up that night cause I accidentally locked myself out of the car and house.

Thursday I had to work at 9:15 or 9:45 I can’t remember. I left about an hour early and was going down the old highway. At some point, while driving I remember thinking about the accident and I started crying. I am not sure why, hitting deer around here is quite common and there are always ones along the road along with skunks, raccoon, porcupines and sometimes bears. You see it all the time. Lots of drivers hit deer and while you feel bad about it (it’s not my first time) you get your car fixed and you move on. If you have injuries they heal and you move on. For some reason though this really bothered me that the dear walked away injured.

Department of Natural Resources said they don’t try to do anything if they wander back into the woods they just leave them be, let nature take its course. Makes sense I guess. I just can’t get the sight of the deer standing in front of me staring straight at me out of my mind though or the feel of the car hitting it. I didn’t see it coming. I never saw it to the left of me at all. I did not see it till it was standing still in front of me caught in the headlights as its head turned towards me.

So anyways, on Thursday this crossed my mind a few times as I was driving and I found tears rolling silently down my cheek which progressed to light sobs, all the way into work. I got there, parked, wiped the tears off my cheeks, took a deep breath and walked from the parking lot into work. It was bitter cold. So I figured the redness in my face could be explained by the cold or maybe I didn’t even really think about it. I’m not sure.

Work went okay. I was really sore and had a hard time getting up onto my chair and my abdomen and hip were really hurting. By 5 o’clock I was glad to be heading home and was exhausted. I had been asked to work in Annapolis the next day. They needed someone and my manager, aware I was sore and tired thought it might be better. So I left for home and it was almost dark by then, just a little bit of light left. All the way home I kept seeing things everywhere and I was really nervous and jumpy and again found myself half sobbing all the way home.

Friday I worked 1-5 in Annapolis. I will admit I was excited to work in a new branch and to learn some new things. I took Eddie to work for about 10, he worked at 11 but wanted to be early. I had 3 hours to kill and was hungry but didn’t want breakfast at McDonalds so I drove the short distance out to Point Prim Lighthouse and walked to few feet needed to just be able to see the lighthouse, the ocean, the cliffs and Victoria beach across Digby Gut.

I had been feeling pretty down since the accident and even before that ever since the aftermath of having my tooth pulled. I had so much anxiety about getting it pulled and then everything that happened after just increased my anxiety overall. So I was thinking the view before heading to work would cheer me up a bit and the fresh cold wintery air might just help me feel a bit better.

I left there, got food and headed to Annapolis taking my time. I was fine through the 50 & 60 km areas. But after getting on the highway as I got up to 70, 80, 90 and closer to 100 I started shaking and feeling really anxious again. I drove as far as Smith’s cove and got off the highway onto the old road, that part’s mostly 50, 60 & 70 km and the road is windy. So I went slow and my anxiety eased a little. Eventually, that ends and you have to go back onto the highway and over the Bear River bridge, I did and then I went off the Deep Brook exit and headed past my place and up the old road into Annapolis. Before I even got past my place I was shaking and crying lightly again. I pushed on and got to Annapolis, parked, dried my eyes and went to work. The way home was much of the same.

The weekend we didn’t go very far. I’m still in a fair bit of pain and really sore all over. I think that the accident has probably caused a Fibromyalgia flare. So I am really in pain pretty much all over. I am suffering from really bad fatigue, I outright feel depressed. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I don’t even really want to leave the house. I think we went out once and it was much the same, anxiety and tears but we got were we were going and made it home.

Fast forward to Monday morning. I was scheduled to work in Bridgetown for 9:45. I started out early about 8:30 because I knew I was anxious and would likely get teary and drive slow. It was much of the same. I got to just before Bridgetown and was driving by a farmhouse with a big tree in the front yard. There was a flock of birds in the branches of the tree and as I drove by they startled and flew in front and over the car. I could see them coming at me and gliding over the top of me and over my hood and in front of the car down low in front of the grill. Well to put it politely it scared the living shit out of me. I thought I heard a clunk. I wasn’t sure if I hit anything.

I started screaming, and then crying and shaking all the while still driving at about 85 to 90km on the road. The tears started coming hot and fast, I started sobbing to the point I couldn’t catch my breath. I knew that about half a kilometer or so down the road on the left-hand side just around the bend that I could see that there was a church and a big parking lot and there was no one else on the road. So through my tears, I kept driving and pulled off at the church checking to see no one was coming at me. At this point, the sobs were coming hard and fast and I could barely see. I figured I just needed to pull over, let it out and then calm down and move on. Boy as I ever wrong.

I couldn’t stop sobbing. There were more of the same birds, I think they are called Brewer’s Blackbirds, in the yard of the church and they kept stirring and flying to the trees and back and every time they did I would start sobbing and even screaming all over again. I had put the car in park but it was still running as it was kinda cold and I had the heated seat on. My legs at this point were really tingling and I felt week. I called my mom as I knew at this point I couldn’t drive any further. When sobbing really hard I would close my eyes and I would see the bridge ahead of me (even though it’s 35-40 km away) with the deer between me and the bridge and it stopped and was staring at me as my car bore down on it. I could see look in its eyes, even though I am not even sure I ever did. Maybe that parts just my imagination.

Mom tried to calm me down. I am asthmatic as well and crying, hyperventilating or panicking will often set off an asthma attack as well, so of course, she was concerned. She tried for a few minutes to calm me down and when she couldn’t and I was just hyperventilating worse and worse she asked me where I was. I told her as best I could in between sobs and hyperventilating and she told me that she was coming to get me. At that point my manager called me from Bridgetown (it was still early and I was not late yet), I answered and she asked me what was wrong because  I was still sobbing and still hyperventilating to a point. I tried to explain. I told said my mom was on the other line. She said she would hang up but for me to text her when I was okay.

Only I never was okay. It just got worse and worse. Mom and Dad climbed in the truck and kept the phone on speaker and headed out towards me but they were at best 50 minutes away. I was getting worse and could barely feel my legs and my fingers were going tingly. At this point, while trying to talk to me in which I was only responding in between screams, sobs, etc with one or two words or even grunts, she and dad decided to hang up and call 911. While they were on the phone with 911 I had managed to hit the hazard lights on the car and I turned it off because I couldn’t find the hand brake, thankfully it was only a button to turn it off and after a few tries, it worked.

Apparently an ambulance going back to its base in Bridgetown went by me (I didn’t notice) and they thought it looked off and were in the process of turning around just down the street when they actually got the call from 911 to go back to the church. So they there pretty quick after mom called. I had hit the unlock button as things were starting to get bad just in case I passed out thankfully. They got there parked and came out. There were two of them, a young guy named Travis and a young woman named Emily. Travis climbed in the passenger side beside me and Emily came around the driver’s side to my window which either Travis or I got rolled down, not even sure which.

They tried for what felt like hours but which they told me later was about 35 minutes to calm me down. At first, I was gasping for air and hyperventilating still and every time I closed my eyes I would see the deer and/or hear the birds and I would start all over again. Slowly they got me calmed down a bit then the birds would fly around or make sound and I would start screaming again. Finally, they got me calmed down enough to get me sitting with my feet outside the car and they brought the stretcher over and I tried to get on it but my legs gave out and Travis leaned forward and caught me. I remember him saying laughingly “okay, you are going to give me a great big hug now and I am going to lift you and guide you to the stretcher”.

After getting me on the stretcher they got me in the ambulance and hooked up to the heart rate monitor, blood pressure cuff and oxygen monitor. My heart rate when they got me in there was in the high 160s, my respiration was in the high 30’s/low 40’s and my oxygen was in the low 90s. They showed me each of them and told me where we needed to get them and that I had control and that with their help I could get them back where they should be. They tried some breathing techniques which were starting to work but then I would hear the birds outside again and start to panic again. They were concerned about my heart rate and said it was tachycardic so they did an EEG which also showed the same thing but showed nothing else wrong.

Emily climbed in the front and started driving and Travis stayed in the back with me and continued to try and get me calmed down. We both watched as my heart rate and respirations climbed and my oxygen dropped as she picked up speed so he called into the doctor who told them to turn off the lights and slow down as he figured that was adding to my anxiety after that Travis was able to really talk to me and calm me down and I was doing a lot better by the time they got me there. They took me through triage and got me in a wheelchair and by then mom was there and I was put out in the waiting room.

We ended up waiting for quite a while (not uncommon even coming in via ambulance, still have to be triaged as someone walking in could still be sicker). Finally, we saw the doctor. I explained everything that happened that morning and over the last few days since the accident and about the accident itself and about everything that happened with my tooth and also about my history of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. He diagnosed me with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and gave me a prescription for Ativan for 10 days and suggested I see a counselor and that I follow up with my family doctor as soon as possible.

He also figured I would benefit from being put back on some medication for depression and anxiety but thought it would be more beneficial for my family doctor who knows my history and what drugs have worked in the past to be the one who prescribed them. He gave me a note for that day and the next but suggested I take more time off work and to talk to my family doctor about how long, but said he did not think I should be driving right now or working at the moment either. He was concerned about how I would be able to handle difficult customers, difficult situations and the impact it would have on my mental health at the moment.

While waiting to see the doctor at the ER my mom called my family doctor’s office in Halifax as she had to go up there yesterday to see a doctor in the same office for something so she wanted to see if she could get me in and bring me up. He just happened to be on call yesterday and she was told to call back in the morning. So we headed up to Halifax yesterday morning. She gave me a half of one of her Ativan as we had not filed the prescription for mine yet and wanted to talk to my doctor first. The way up was hard. I really had a hard time but Dad came with us as well and was in the back seat of the truck and they did their best to distract me and we stopped a lot so I could get out and move around.

My doctor also agreed that I was suffering from what he called a post-traumatic adjustment disorder which appears to be similar but not quite the same. He also suggested seeing a psychologist and also agreed that I should not be working at the moment due to the stress and my overall mental health from not just the accident but all the stuff leading up to it such as my uncle’s death in October, the tooth extraction which as he said in itself for me is super traumatic as I have a phobia of dentists and dental procedures and when I was forced to go due to the crown falling out and then having such a horrible extraction and then the experiences after it with the dry socket, infections, swelling and nerve injury and then the car accident and my fear of driving and getting into moving vehicles.

He really figured I should get a grip on it before going back to work. He also said the same thing as the other doctor about how I would react to stress at work such as issues with a client or difficult situations and thinks that I should be off until at least after Christmas to give myself some time to get situated with counseling and seeing a psychologist. He did not prescribe me anything which was something I was really hoping he was. I really feel I need something to help cope. Something to help with the depression and anxiety and maybe even help inadvertently with the pain from fibromyalgia as a lot of the same medications are prescribed.

However, he said that he felt and that it has been proven that medications don’t usually help for these “situational” depressions, anxieties and panic attacks. He didn’t really seem to take into consideration my history at all. Which is of Depression, anxiety and panic disorder both as well as Agoraphobia which I managed to overcome years ago and have had no issues with. He suggested as well that I get into physio and get assessed for my injuries from the accident as I was really sore and tender and he thought I had some soft tissue injuries that needed to be addressed.

I will admit I have had no outright suicidal thoughts. Nothing serious as thinking about doing it or how to do it, etc. I have however had some pretty dark thoughts about worst-case scenarios of what could have happened with the accident, which I am sure would happen to a lot of people. I have even caught myself wishing at times that I had died or at the very least sometimes I just wish I could disappear and not have to worry about anything. Does that mean I wish myself dead? I don’t really know. I think more just that I was thinking along the lines of just not having to deal with all this and not having to worry about anything more so than dying or killing myself.

It concerns me some but I have talked to my doctor, who honestly just brushed over it as being situational and my parents who are more concerned and my husband who is more concerned as well. I am not suicidal. I would not do anything. I would never put them through that. I am however concerned about my mental health and I am in a bit of a dark place right now…

Favorite holiday traditions

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Image Credit: Hans Braxmeier from Pixabay

Saint Nicholas Day/Feast of Saint Nicholas

It’s December! I can’t believe how this year has flown by. My mom came up with an idea this year of having a good old fashioned Christmas on the Island. A family member bought a cafe in Freeport, Nova Scotia on beautiful Long Island and it is not being used right now so we are going to get some family together and any local residents who want to join us and we are going to have a pot luck with Santa and Mrs. Claus and yes, yours truly and my husband are going to be Santa and Mrs. Claus

One of my favorite holiday traditions was something we did when I was a kid growing up in the mid to late 1980s on a Canadian Forces Base in Baden-Söllingen in Baden-Württemberg in what was then West Germany called Saint Nicholas Day or Feast of Saint Nicholas and especially the tradition pictured above (sort of) in which children put out their shoes on the evening of December 5th. This is a tradition that is common in many European Christian countries.

If I was a good girl that year then on the morning of December 6th I would wake up with my shoes filled with sweets. Usually an orange, some chocolate, and a candy cane or two. I would often find one or two little wooden Christmas tree ornaments like the ones shown below. My parents still have most of them. Apparently the tradition is bad little boys and girls would wake up with a lump of coal and they would know that they have to atone for whatever they did to cause them to get the lump of coal before Christmas (or at least that was what I was told about the tradition though I have heard much more sinister things as I have gotten older lol… google Krampus)

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This is a tradition that I absolutely loved as a child and loved when I was older and the one filling the shoes for my little brother and watching his face light up when he found them on the morning of December the 6th. I even believe we put coal in his one year This is one tradition that I hope one day to pass down to my own children.

German Wooden Pyramids

We also had a second tradition coming from our time in Germany which was putting out and lighting pyramids, we had two or three of them. I believe my parents may still have one or maybe two of them. One was a 4 or 5 tier pyramid and the second I am pretty sure is the exact one shown below.

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You would put these candles in the candle holders and as the candles heated up and the heat would rise the pyramid would slowly start turning. It was really beautiful and I would sit transfixed in the living room for hours as a youngster just watching it with the lights off and the pyramid causing colors and shadow on the ceiling. I loved it more than the Christmas tree. I can still smell the candles.

German Candle For Pyramids, Red
Image Credit: Houzz

I remember often falling asleep on the couch and mom or dad carrying me to bed as I would not go until I allowed it to lull me to sleep. Both traditions are traditions my parents kept up when we came home from Germany for both myself and my brother who was not born until we were back in Canada (kinda). I plan to eventually order one from Germany. I found a YouTube video below of a pyramid. Our other pyramid looked a lot like the one in the video only it was I am pretty sure 4 (maybe 3 or 5) tiers. It was more than 2.

I guess these traditions just really remind me of my childhood and of a time I was truly and blissfully unaware of life’s uncertainties and of things that now make life a little less easy.

What are your favorite holiday traditions? Tell me in the comments below or post a link to a post on your own blog about your favorite holiday tradition(s).