Marmalade and Mango

Marmalade and Mango

Warning: This post contains some potentially triggering information regarding a pets death. If you suffer from mental illness, or reading about a pets death would be extremely upsetting to you, please read with caution. This gets kind of raw and emotional towards the end but I really feel I need to get it out and get it down in the blog.

Update: I made some small changes that my Mom and Eddie pointed out just to ensure this is as correct and up-to-date as possible.

I mentioned in Pain, Fatigue & Kittens that we were waiting on two kittens Mango and Marmalade. They were born on July 10th, 2020. They were listed on Facebook Marketplace and my Mom, who was looking for a kitten after losing their cat Pumpkin a month before. Mom had become attached to Pumpkin and was missing him and decided another kitten would help. She contacted the guy that had them listed and asked if anywhere still available and he said a few of them were including a pair of orange tabby’s. So Mom said she would like to have the pair when they are old enough to go home.

She then contacted us, let us know she was taking both and wanted to know if we wanted one of the two. We talked it over and decided that we would give it a try. We figured if it did not work out with Max then he could go live with my parents and his brother. They decided they wanted to name their little one Mango, keeping along the same lines as with Pumpkin, since Mango was also ginger as well. Eddie and I decided on the name Marmalade for our little one, keeping with food names (no idea why) and things that were orange.

We have been waiting patiently since July 10th, the day they were born for them they would be ready September 4th. This past Sunday August 23rd,  they were 6 weeks, 2 days old and we got a message from the girlfriend of the guy that had posted them on Facebook and who happened to be a co-worker of my husbands, that the littlest of the two who was the runt of the litter (I have always had a soft spot for them, Max was the runt of his litter) was being picked on by the momma cat and the other adult and older cats in the household.

Just going to say here I do not know how many there were, but there were 9 kittens in all, including our two in that litter. They lost one apparently earlier on. Not sure the exact date so that left 8. Not uncommon really, it happens. She never commented on the one they lost, but again being common enough I really didn’t think much of it and Eddie somewhat knew them both through work. So, he was being picked on and she said being 6 weeks he was already weaned and on soft food and water and that her vet via a phone call has suggested sending him on now to his new home as they felt he would thrive more with someone on one care. I went over not convinced it was the right time yet but thought I would check it out.

I arrived after getting some necessities fully expecting to only take the one home and hand-rear him the rest of the way if I felt he was in danger while the second one stayed with mom for another 2 weeks. I was let into the porch area and handed both kittens. I took Marmalade first to hold him and he was literally skin and bones and could not even hold his head up and honestly, I felt he must bare have weighted anything at all. I could tell he was bad but he had his eyes open and he reached out his little paw to me and literally touched my face. Honestly, I knew I could not leave him there, he needed help, which he was obviously not getting from the adults there. I kept my mouth shut but I was fuming.

She then asked me if I wanted to take the second one (as she knew by then that he was going to mom and dads) to keep them together. I asked to see him and she handed him over. He wasn’t much bigger then his brother but he was bright-eyed, alert, playful and had a belly on him as if he had just eaten. She said he was not one of the ones picking on Marmalade and that they were inseparable. I noticed right away that he was covered in fleas.

I guess I could say a tip-off before this point was that she had posted on Facebook about a week before that her house was infested with fleas and asking for tips on getting rid of them. Again. not such a big deal considering we actually had the same issue with Max 2 weeks ago. One day it seemed like he was flea free and next he had a bunch on him. We went to the vet got Advantage 2 and applied it buying three more at the same time. I usually flea treat him for most of the year, giving it a break in the thick of the winter as usually we never see them then.

Mango was small as well, very light but not just skin and bones. I initially said let’s wait and she tried to pull him off me (they were laying on my chest now) and they both started crying. I was concerned about his weight as well and the fleas that were on both of them. Fleas that bad can be extremely dangerous for kittens that young and it seems they were not getting them treated at all. She said the adult cats didn’t have fleas so were not being treated and the other kittens weren’t that bad (contradicting her post on Facebook). Which I know is untrue because it just isn’t possible for the babies to be that bad without some or all of the other kittens and adult cats having fleas as well.

I decided at that moment that they were better off with me and that I was taking them to the vet the next day (again it was Sunday). I got my cat carrier out of the car put them in on some blankets. I had already asked what food she was feeding them and litter she was using and had gotten that and some other supplies (blankets, a little bed, some toys, litter box, litter, food, etc.). I took them home (Eddie was already at work. I made the decision on my own because I was super concerned about them) and got them all cuddled in and started feeding them. They ate but wouldn’t drink and still seemed hungry so I put more food in and added additional water to the food and mixed it in so they would get some water that way.

I looked them over really well and realized it was much worse then I thought. I don’t have much experience with babies that age but even I knew that Marmalade was literally starving. I called a 24-hour veterinarian in the city, explained the situation and she agreed with me that they sounded like they had not been eating for a few days and were starving and that I did the right thing.

I asked if they thought this was an emergency and if I needed to call a local vets emergency line and after talking to me for a few minutes and asking me some questions about alertness etc she said no but to continue feeding them the way I was every 2 hours and try to get some water into them. I told her how I was doing it (google can be a wonderful thing as long as you verify sources and use reputable sites) with the food and she said to keep that up and even try a spoon with a bit of water or a syringe or eyedropper and call my vet first thing in the morning.

We had a long night, I hand-fed them both every 2 hours as the clinic had suggested and after being peed on, pooped on and thrown up on I got them through the night. Marmalade I quickly noticed was having issues eating. His jaw seemed to grind (or his teeth) and he struggled to chew and swallow. He would eat from a spoon a bit but he was really grinding and it killed me to watch. I called the 24-hour vet again, explained what was happening and again was told not an emergency but call first thing in the morning to my local vet, which I was already doing anyway. I did my best and tried everything I could to get them eating and drinking. Mango caught on pretty quick but Marmalade was really struggling to eat and drink, but I just kept trying to get it into him. I googled the crap out of stuff and asked all kinds of questions on Facebook then googled the crap out of that to ensure it was correct.

Finally, when the morning came, I called at 8 am to a local vet who had actually done Max’s neuter surgery 8 years ago and needles and explained the situation. She told me to keep doing what I was doing and bring them in at 1 p.m.earlier if anything changed for the worse (COVID rules they can only do one appointment at a time even though there is two vets at the clinic – the owner from my understanding is only doing overnight on-call shifts so his co-workers still have jobs).

We made out fine until 12 and then got ready to go. I got them into the carrier and Eddie who decided to take the day off because he was seriously concerned for them both came with me and stayed in the car while I brought them in. After a short weight, I brought them in and explained everything to the vet herself and she too Marmalade from me. She frowned as soon as she touched him and asked me again how old he was. I said he was born July 10th and she asked if I was sure and I said yes absolutely. She said he was the size of about a 2 week old and was literally starving to death and dehydrated. She weighed him. 273 grams… that is the size of a two-week-old kitten.

At this point, I was crying while holding Mango and told her to do whatever she felt was best. She said she did not believe it was to the point of euthanasia, however, it would be critical to get them up to weight fast. I told her do whatever she had too. Thank god I have a student loan on the way and we had money in the bank as well. I said just do everything you feel you need to do, don’t worry about money. She said okay. So they gave them fluids, and flea, ear mite and deworming treatment. She got 5 cans of recovery rs food some nutri-cal gel and some syringes and a ton of instructions making me repeat them a few times.

She then told me that though she would not normally advocate removing kittens from their mom at 6 weeks old that I was absolutely right to do it and that I may have just saved their lives. She said Marmalade was literally hours from passing most likely and that there was still a chance it might happen. She said she believe Mango would be okay and she hoped Marmalade would be too and that she thought we caught it in time.

I took them home and for the rest of the day and all night and all the next day, I never left their sides other than to pee. They slept in the carrier right beside me in the bedroom and I got up multiple times a night, when not in bed they were pretty much in my arms the whole time or in their bed that I bought them, covered with a blanket.

The whole next day I cuddled them together and separately, and I should mention throughout all this Eddie was right there by my side getting me things, doing things for me, cleaning up, cooking and holding babies. He let me deal with the feeding as he was scared of making a mistake but otherwise he was right there the whole time. At one point I broke down because I was scared we might end up losing Marmalade no matter what we do. While that was happening he took them both because I felt I was useless and not making a difference and just basically having a mini-meltdown.

In talking to him he quickly got me to realize that no matter what the outcome I had put my whole heart and soul into them in the last 36 hours and that I was giving them the best chance I could. I was exhausted so we bundled them up in the carrier put them right beside me on the floor right where I could see and reach them and both went to sleep. This was about 12. I set the alarm for 2 am, I got up fed them, mixing water with their food. Tried to coax a bit more water into them, gave them time in the litter box, got peed on again by Marmalade who just did not seem to be able to do anything but lay down in the litter box and then settled them down again. Set the alarm for 4. Got up did the same thing over again. Settled them down and set the alarm for 6 am.

We never made it to 6 am. I was woken up about 5:30 am by a loud meow. I looked in the cage and could see Mango looking at me. He meowed again. I thought maybe he had just basically found his voice, up till this point neither of them had really said much. Not even a squeak. I don’t think they had it in them to be honest. Then there were more meows, this time different and not coming from Mango. I yelled for Eddie, took the carrier out in the living room and pulled Marmalade out wrapped him in a blanket lightly and just held him. He was letting out one long meow every 30 seconds or so, he started stiffening and stretching almost like convulsing. I think he was. Eddie came out. I told him I think we were losing Marmalade.

I told him to call the vet. Marmalade continued to cry out. He stumbled a bit because he was upset but we finally got through and Marmalade was getting weaker and weaker and his breathing was slowing. I was crying my eyes out and the vet told me it was too late and that I had done everything I could do but I needed to just hold him in my arms and let him pass. So I did with him on the phone. Stroking his cheek and telling him it was okay. He stopped breathing and I told the vet he stopped. He waited a moment and then said double-check. I did. He was gone. I started to ball. Eddie took over with the vet and I cradled Marmalade balling and apologizing to him. Eddie called Mom and she said she would come right over. In the 20 minutes or so that I waited for her I just sat stroking him, telling him it was okay, apologizing and crying harder then I think I have ever cried in my life.

Mom showed up and sat a bit longer because I think she realized I was not ready to part with him just yet. She took him gently to confirm he was gone and then wrapped him back up and handed him back. I just held him while we talked about everything. We were so mad about the whole situation. Concerned about the other kittens still at their house. I wondered if I had made a mistake, done something wrong, but then I would look at Mango, starting to thrive and told myself no that he was proof that Marmalade was just too far gone to begin with.

I sit right now writing this balling my eyes out at 5:30 am the morning after Marmalade crossed the rainbow bridge while Mango sleeps soundly on my chest and he makes this all worth-while. So does Marmalade. Yes, he passed, but in those 36 hours, he knew more love in his little life than most get in a lifetime. There wasn’t anything I wasn’t willing to do to give them a chance. Still willing to do with Mango. He, I am glad to say seems to be doing well considering.

This morning I called the vet back to let them know even though I spoke to the owner (vet) the night before I wanted to talk to the vet assistant and let her know and thank them and the vet from the morning before. I plan to take them something when I get a chance. A card, some chocolates or something and Mango to cuddle with. Mom gave me Mango. He’s mine now and I am going to continue to fight for him. If he survives this, that will be Marmalade’s gift to me. Mine was to love him. Truly love him and hold him while he passed, as hard as that is, it was a gift in and of itself because I got to easy his passing and show him all the love I could give him. I refuse to look at it any other way.

I wondered if he should have been euthanized at the vets earlier but honestly, I think he did initially have a chance and he did not seem to be in pain at that point. I think he needed those few hours with me to know true love before he passed. To have that time with us, with Mango. I have to look at it that way. Otherwise, I think I would break into pieces. So many people have been here for me, for us, these last few days from Eddie and our families to friends, vets, strangers and even Max who at first was leery of the kittens but now seem somewhat interested, if not a bit scared of Mango.

Mom had taken Marmalage early yesterday morning to their place and we came over a little later. Eddie dug a grave, I found a small box and placed him and his blankie in the box and Eddie buried him beside Pumpkin. Mom is making a gravestone for them both and big enough for any pets we ever have to bury there. They will all rest in peace among the cherry and apple trees that Pumpkin used to love to roam. Now they can roam free together.

We sat with Mom after and talked. We are concerned about the other 6 kittens. We called the SPCA, they said to call the Cruelty Hotline, Mom did. I gave their names and address. I don’t care. Even if this was an “accident” who watches kittens starve to death, and then calls their intended families to come to get them so they don’t die there.

These kittens were starved to death, literally in Marmalade’s case because some humans could not be bothered to pay attention and ensure that momma cat was feeding them. They said that they were weaned, that they were eating soft food and hard food watered down, eating and drinking on their own. They had not eaten or drank in a while. I have no idea how long it takes a kitten to starve. Honestly never thought it would be something I would ever have to deal with. You can’t tell me they didn’t know something was wrong. They could have prevented this. They could have caught it early and treated this. They could have caught it almost too late and treated it, but instead, they called me to come get them and in this case, I am glad I did. Everything in my being said they are too young to be separated but something higher said, they are in danger.

Instead, I brought home two extremely emancipated kittens starving to death and gave it my all only to watch one of them literally die in my arms as I held him and told him it was okay he could go. My depression and anxiety has been through the roof today. I am calling today to see what I can do about it. I took a nap only to wake up in a thunderstorm screaming that it had to stop or he would get wet. I had to take an Ativan and Eddie had to do breathing techniques with me to get me to literally stop howling and scaring the kitten. It won’t happen again but I am not taking any chances. I don’t know if I need more meds, more therapy. I don’t know. Honestly, I would do it all again though. Watching Mango crawl out from under his blanket, eat, climb up the side of the couch to the little makeshift litterbox, pee and crawl back under the blanket again. It’s worth it. So worth it.

I ended up calling the vet again later yesterday to let them know I called the SPCA and that the SPCA said they may need the vet records or depending on the situation even testimonies. The vet clinic was wonderful. She sat on the phone with me for more than 10 minutes while I balled again, telling me over and over this was not my fault, that I did everything I could, she said not many people would go pick up two kittens that were supposed to be given to you in two weeks time when you sense something is wrong take them with you can call a vet first thing, spend hundreds on them over 2 days only to loose one and said you would do it again tomorrow if it meant one of them had a chance.

Most people would walk away and say I don’t have them yet, they are not in my care, they are your issue and walk away. But that is not Eddie and I. He supported me 100% along the way. He cried with me. He raged with me. He cradled a dying kitten with me so it wouldn’t be alone. He’s truly one of a kind and the love of my life. I can’t possibly love the man any more than I already do but somehow I do.

Today is going to be another hard one but each day will get easier. Anyone who says, it’s just a cat better get ready to get a shoe upside the head. It’s so much more than that. It’s ignorance. It’s apathy. Total indifference for a life. This was not an accident. This was so much more.

It’s taught me a lot though. I am tougher then I think. I can fight like the dickens for what I feel is right. I can handle so much more than I ever thought I could. I will come out the other side. Battle scars and wounds aside. I will make it and I am sure Mango will be just fine and if not I know one thing, that I have been giving it my best and I have never felt a real purpose before. I do now. I was meant to be in these little ones’ lives for some reason. The reason will come together and that purpose will become more apparent someday and I will be okay.

Some photos and a video of my little ones:

Max is not in them because he is too scared to get near yet, but I love that little monster so much he’ll always be my first baby. 

Update: This one is for you Marmalade. This is your brother Mango thriving and living for you.

I’m so over 2020

I know most people are by now, not just me. Things just keep spiraling out of control. I guess I will start with the good news and transition into the bad. We are now on day 16 of no new COVID-19 cases in the province and all cases are resolved, we have no active cases and only 2 people in the hospital recovering. We apparently are doing a good job of social distancing and re-opening the province. The 4 premiers of Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, PEI, and Newfoundland have made the decision to open our borders to each other as of July 1st. And all but New Brunswick have no cases and New Brunswick seems to have theirs under control and all cases they do have stem from one careless doctor.

That’s good news in a way because it means we can camp, vacation, etc within the four provinces without having to quarantine for 14 days. We all pretty much have the same rules in place so we can have gatherings of up to 10 people who are friends or family without social distancing but it’s suggested that we stay exclusive and don’t visit anyone outside our groups of 10. We can also have groups of up to 50 if social distancing measures are in place. they suggest that it be outdoors and that we wear non-medical masks but they haven’t made it a requirement. In one way that is good. We are currently in the middle of a heatwave that has been about 5 days so far of 20-30°C weather with the humidex in the mid 30 to mid 40°C.

So it is hot and the next two weeks look like much of the same. Nova Scotia and New Brunswick both have shattered a bunch of high-temperature records over the last few days on a number of days and we are on course I think for the hottest June ever in our history. Thankfully my parents have their pool up. I am not sure if we are even going to get the other one up here because there is an issue with the pump. So we might just use theirs. They are about 15-20 minutes away and the pool is 24ft long by 12ft wide so it’s huge and it’s 52 inches deep and we can go in it whenever even if they are not home.

I feel over the last few days as if I am melting. The humidity is absolutely insane and we get humidity a lot here so I am used to it but this is like days on end of 100% humidity and nights too. On top of all that my parents’ cat Pumpkin went missing on Sunday. They looked for him for all day Sunday and all day Monday and we did when we were over too. On Tuesday night we went looking again and I found him at the side of the road. I don’t know what made me look there cause he never went near the road but I was walking with my brother and he pointed out some rags and I knew instantly that it was him.

I sent my brother to get my dad or husband and Eddie came back and we buried him in the back yard. I had a rough day yesterday and pretty much cried all day over it. He was one of the best cats. Such a sweet little thing. Before anyone says anything about him being outside. He was a stray. He had been outside most of his life when my parents took him (he was given to them to be a barn cat essentially) and he was an outside cat. They always gave him the option of coming in and tried to keep him in but other than cold nights in the winter he just would not stay in. He found ways to get out every time they tried.

Today I am doing a bit better and concentrating on school work (taking a break to write this) and then tonight I am going to write some content maybe for The Great Canadian Housewife if I have the energy as I have neglected that a little as well due to things going on. I am just trying to keep my mind off it. I had a phone appointment with my psychologist yesterday and we talked it over and she said I am dealing well with it and I feel I am, at the moment. Just mostly snuggling with Max and with my hubby when he’s not at work and watching some shows. We watched Unorthodox together over the last 2-3 days and we also watched all of Season’s 3 and 4 of Queer Eye: More than a Makeover as he had not seen those two seasons yet and I want to watch 5 and he had previously watched 1 and 2 with me and wanted to watch 5 as well.

Other then that I got an email yesterday from Athabasca University saying I was overdue on my tuition and that I would be suspended if I did not pay it by this coming Tuesday. The thing is student loans sent them the money directly almost a month ago on May 27th, 2020 and of course, neither Athabasca is not taking calls right now due to COVID-19 and have a wait time of 2-3 weeks on replying to you from pretty much any department (which is ridiculous when you have a question for your academic advisor!) and as far as NSLSC is concerned they sent it and the school got it, so now the school is going to suspend me likely for their own mistake if someone does not read my email in time.

Needless to say, I am not happy. I have tried everything. I have emailed my academic advisor, the student center, the finance department, the BsCIS (Bachelor of Computer and Information Systems) department and so hopefully someone will get it before Tuesday. So in the meantime, I am just continuing with the school as long as I have access and then whenever they do get to it I am going to complain my ass off till they do something about it. I might have to call student loans back and also see if there is some governing body I can call as well. I am sure there is. Just no idea who.

So not impressed with 2020… I’m over it.

I Want To Be Hopefull

covid, covid-2019, covid-19

This is going to be another all over the place post and it’s a bit lengthy because once I start sometimes I can’t stop. I think at this point my mind has just decided that it’s shutting down partially to protect me from the emotional side of things. I am doing okay, happy even, sometimes really happy but at the same time, I am really struggling at the same time. I honestly don’t know how to process these past 5 months. To say they have been a mix of the best and the worst of times would be an understatement and COVID-19 is just a small part of it for me (for us). And yet, I am okay. I just need to process things in my own time and just not let the emotions bottle up, which I have not been doing, maybe a bit on this blog but not really.

On Friday the Nova Scotia government announced loosening up on some of the restrictions in place. It seems to me that they are taking it really slow and watching to see how it goes, which I think is a good thing, the whole learn from other’s mistakes and all that. Previously they had re-opened the provincial and municipal trails but that was pretty much it. That was more than a few weeks ago I believe, to be completely honest time seems to be both standing still and racing forward and the weeks seem to bleed into one another at the moment.

Starting yesterday they are allowing two households to join up (two household “bubbles” is the term, I am not sure if this is a Canadianism or not) to hang out at one house or the other without social distancing providing that they are mutually exclusive and do not join up with more than one household. There are still fines for violating social distancing in place and will be for a while I’m sure. It seems multiple provinces are doing this now. Which is good. I think. Honestly, I don’t know anymore.

Overall, I feel as if both Edward and I have been handling the whole COVID-19 situation okay considering, It’s everything else that we haven’t been handling well. This has been 5 months of pure hell for everyone I know, for everyone who lives in my province or has any connection with it and some of that hell is a little personal. I had some major issues with depression and anxiety even before this hit with COVID-19. It’s no wonder though. It started with the car accident in October and spiraled from there. If you had asked me at the end of 2019 if I thought 2020 could be any worse than the end of 2019 I would have said no. And I would have been so so wrong. Yet, there have been some really great times thrown in there as well. Some real breakthroughs for me as well.

This was taken last year when we were camping on my parent’s property.

I am looking forward to going to the beach. I don’t even have to worry about crowds as we have beachfront property access on the St Mary’s Bay. This is something I am looking forward to, it keeps me going, keeps us going, keeps us all going. I have never gone swimming there (not on that side but I have on the side of Digby Neck), just gone walking when the tide was out in the wet sand. It was one thing I really enjoyed about last summer and I am looking forward to it again. We can camp, we can swim, wade, walk, and beachcomb. I have never loved Nova Scotia more then I do right now and I have loved it here since day one. I will love it to my very last breath I imagine.

My parents seem to be dealing with everything for the most part as well. It’s been hard for everyone, my brother especially. My mom is in good spirits and was keeping herself busy knitting and with crafts and DIY projects. My dad has had a harder time, mostly because of pain and weakness from a herniated disk and pinched nerve in his back. He is awaiting surgery for it. No telling when that will happen, but he has been gardening when he can, cleaning up down at the beach and camp (about a 1km walk from the house through woods behind the backyard) and just generally switching between puttering around and trying to stay active and sleeping and resting when he needs too. Other than that it’s hard to tell with him. He keeps things to himself, always has. He’s loving and caring, but just likes his privacy and doesn’t complain much.

They were both excited to see me yesterday and today. Mom and I bought a Cricut Explore Air 2 yesterday and we played around with it a bit yesterday and today. We did the above glass as a test just to see what we could do with it, my parents are renewing their vows next year down at the beach and my cousin who owns the property is planning it (she lives in Connecticut) and mom and I are going to make her dress and all the decorations. We did everything for our wedding as well. I absolutely love the Cricut. There is so much you can do with it!

That’s been our weekend mostly. I felt bad for Edward because he worked both days, he’s off tomorrow though, it’s Victoria Day, a holiday in most provinces. He’s also off Thursday and then this coming Saturday as well. We are going to spend some time with mom and dad and my brother tomorrow and on Saturday we were planning on going to a local trail for a hike as it’s something we can actually do now, all day-use provincial parks are open so long as we still distance when we come into contact with anyone. It’s one we’ve never been to before called Mickey Hill Provincial Park and it’s less than 10 minutes away and it opened for the season yesterday at 8 a.m.

We need to get out after everything going on so far this year. It’s been a bad one, not just COVID-19 but more everything else that’s been going on as I mentioned above. It’s been a devastating year for us, for all of us. I don’t think there is one person that I know that has not been affected by the events since Jan 1st. In January our dentist was killed when her plane was shot down outside Tehran in Iran. Nova Scotia, more specifically Halifax lost a number of people in that incident, mostly professionals and students.

Then after that the events in April with the mass murder in Portapique in which someone with ties to our family was killed as well as 22 other people (I did not know them personally but honestly it was so horrible that everyone is dealing with it) and then the military helicopter crash off of Greece that killed 6 all of which most had a tie to Nova Scotia, some were from here. May 6th and the days and week’s following were devastating again as a 3-year-old from Truro went missing and has not been found and then today, we’ve had another tragedy for the province. One of the Canadian Snowbirds (an aerobatics team) planes crashed during their country-wide tour in support of the victims of the previous 2 incidents I mentioned. It crashed near Kamloops, BC, and one of the pilots was a Nova Scotian from Halifax. It’s just been non-stop.

So, yeah, basically I am done with the first half of 2020. I know it’s not technically till the end of June, but I am done with it now. I am ready to move on and make the rest of the year more positive, find the positives in as much as possible. I am not worried about this as I know I’ve got this, but it’s hard all the same. I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I am falling and falling. I know I am not the only one though and that keeps me going. I know my family and friends and strangers are suffering just as much as I am. COVID-19 is just an added insult to the misery that has been 2020 so far.

And that is why I need to keep looking on the bright side, wherever that is… not really finding it right now sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I think of all this while my husband sleeps on the couch at 1:30 a.m. but whatever, it is what it is. He’s always here for me and me him so I am not worried about that either. We are solid and that brings me some relief. I should really wake him up though and go to bed.