Perfection

What is perfection?

I typed the word perfection into Unsplash and this is one of the images that came up. It seemed appropriate. Admittedly I don’t know a lot about spiders as I am inherently terrified of them but one thing I do know is that their webs are perfection. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a full spider web strung between two trees with raindrops or frost on it. That is unless you walk into it I suppose. Either way, the web is perfection, and to some, so is the spider itself.

As for me, perfection is something I have always strived for in my life but somehow in my own eyes I always came up short. I don’t know why. I was never given the feeling by anyone else that I didn’t measure up in their eyes. That I didn’t always try my best and wasn’t talented in some ways. However, for some reason in my eyes, I was always falling short. I felt that I was never good enough at anything in particular. I was okay at most things but never particularly any good at one thing.

School was one place I always felt I fell short. I wanted so badly to be a good student, the proverbial straight-A student but instead, I just glided by. My marks were enough to pass me to the next grade, I never failed but I never excelled either. I was just mediocre. I never gave myself credit for the hours I spent doing homework and assignments. Instead, I concentrated on the times I slacked off or skated by. I felt that when it came to school I was a fake.

I was not popular but I was not unpopular. I was on the edge of everything, one foot in, one foot out. I was liked by most and hated by few. I was there but not there. I paid attention sometimes in class and other times I didn’t. I did my school work, but I never did extra credit and never put a lot of effort into it.

There was one thing and one thing alone at the time, school wise, that I loved and wanted to be perfect at and tried to be perfect at and that was printing and handwriting. I would write and re-write everything until it looked neat and tidy and perfectly formed. Never mattered much what the content was, for me it was just that I wanted it to look pretty, to look like I was smart, to look like I cared, to look like I put work and effort into it.

So much so that I would erase things over and over. Ever since I was old enough to hold a pen or pencil I would obsess over my printing and writing. I wanted it to be flowy and round and pretty. I loved coloured ink; pinks, greens, purples, teal, anything other than the traditional blue, black and red ink. I would spend little time coming up with my first draft of something and would be bored or annoyed until I had to do the “final copy” and then I would spend hours perfecting it.

In elementary school, I had erasers taken from me when my teachers noticed me writing, erasing and rewriting the same line over and over and over again until I erased a hole into the looseleaf. One teacher accused me of eating the erasers because I went through them so fast she thought I had developed some obsession with eating them. Nope, I was just neat if something did not look perfect to me on paper. I erased it and did it again.

In junior high when we graduated to using pens I had the same obsession. I would have my coloured pens taken away because my teachers complained that all though my essay looked beautiful it was too light to read or they had asked it to be done in blue or black ink. I had whiteout taken away when my English teacher in Grade 7 handed me my own essay to read which for once he said was nicely written only to have it fall apart as he handed it to me because I had used so much whiteout it literally cracked in half.

Looking back on it now it just seems one of those idiosyncrasies of youth. One of those funny things everyone tells a story about. One of those things that my family still laughs at to this day when we talk about it. I used to sneak whiteout and erasers into my classrooms because I was so distraught at the fact that I thought I might turn in a piece of paper with a mark on it that wasn’t where it should be or heaven forbid if I had to cross out a word I spelled incorrectly. I would lose it. I would lose my mind in class and have to go to the principals, it was the one and only thing that ever sent me to the principal’s office.

And still to this day. I crave perfection when it comes to my handwriting. I don’t handwrite much at all for that reason. It drives me insane to see a line or scribble through a word on paper or a letter corrected. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing I am seeing a councilor

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I like to write

Photo Credit: Aaron Burden on Unsplash
I have always enjoyed writing and I love to type. I enjoy sitting in front of a computer, my fingers flying over the keyboard. It’s both soothing and therapeutic for me. There is something about the rhythm of it. Something about the sound the keys make, something about the words forming sentences, something about the idea of communicating your thoughts and ideas that really appeals to me. Obviously, in my last post, I talked about how I want to go back to school and I want to get my bachelor of science degree in computing and information systems minoring in web development and on a side note I think I want to write a bit more as a hobby and as a part of my blogging.

I would like to try and tackle maybe some book reviews if I can manage to sit still long enough to finish a book and not lose my concentration. I also want to try writing some short stories. I have a really good imagination for the most part. I just have a hard time conveying what I am imagining into words sometimes. However, that being said I really want to try and get back into it. I used to write stories as a kid. I even illustrated some of them. It’s amazing how things get lost over the years. I don’t mean physically losing the stories and illustrations, but rather losing the ability over the years to use my imagination the way I used to and to put it into words and make something creative out of it.

I suppose in a way blogging is doing that. However, it’s not the same. Writing about my thoughts and feelings is great and has been very therapeutic in its own way and I will likely never stop doing it. I can’t imagine not ever having this blog and this domain. They have become much a part of who I am as a person. Is that a strange thing to say? No, I don’t think so.

Anyway, I am getting off-topic now. Back to what I was talking about. I want to write. I want to let my creativity unravel and blossom. I don’t know if it’s just my frame of mind right now maybe? Food for thought I guess. Depression seems to do that to me. It makes me more creative, makes me feel more deeply. It’s strange and ironic in a way and even slightly beautiful. It’s a part of me and I would not change it for the world. I think I have to feel sorrow in order to feel joy.

Again, I’m getting off-topic, but I can’t seem to help myself. Sometimes the words just flow, you know? They don’t even always make sense and anyone reading this right now probably thinks I am losing my mind, but it’s quite the opposite. I am feeling inspiration. I just don’t know how to let it out. I don’t know how to turn it into what I see in my head. I see stories. I read a book and I can vividly picture the characters, the setting, the message if there is one and there almost always is.

It’s why I don’t often like watching movies of books I’ve read or at the very least I need to read the book first so that the movie does not ruin it. So it doesn’t shape my mind into seeing things one way when it really wants to see them another way. On the flip side, I am often left sorely disappointed in the movie if I read the book first. I doubt I am alone on that. I know I am not alone on that.

I just have to figure out a way of transforming my ideas into words and sentences again and capture them either here in my blog or in Word or something. I am sure I can do it. I just have to try. There’s something about discovering yourself that never gets old.

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When you needs answers…

First off I just really want to say a big thank you so so much to everyone who has commented or even just read my posts over the last few months. Your support and comments have meant the world to me. Not even one bit of negativity or bashing from anyone. Just all kind thoughts and support and I really really appreciate it. This is why I love blogging and all of you guys!

As you may have guess from the title I want to write a little about things that have been going on with me in part over the last few months but really ever since all of this started years ago. In all of this there is one thing that has really really been bothering me. The need to basically “self-diagnose” because our health care system is so broken that it takes 5, 10, 15, 20 plus years to get a diagnosis and for me at least the diagnosis’s I have gotten just never really seem to fit or make sense fully.

I kind of feel like all that is now coming to a head and that I am actually starting to get somewhere, but not because of my doctor or the healthcare system here in Nova Scotia (or Canada in general), but instead because myself, my husband, my mom and my aunt (who is a nurse) have been doing tons and tons of research and trying to really figure out what is going on with me.

The health care system here has really failed me as it has so many people for both my mental and my physical health. Sure we have free health care. I can go to a hospital and not worry about getting a bill for it or have a MRI done in a provincial hospital and not worry about the bill, but at what cost? If I had a broken bone or a very typical illness or an emergency, this is great and I would get the help that I need.

However, if like myself or the thousands of people in my province  or the tens or even hundreds of thousands of people in the country like myself who have a “invisible illness” this is not the case. I have waited probably half my life for a proper diagnosis and treatment for all my symptoms. The wait time for specialists such as Internal Medicine, Cardiology, Neurology, Rheumetology and tons more (due to shortages as we do not pay them enough) is months if not years.

The wait for public funded services such as Mamograms, CTs, MRIs, Physio, etc is months or years as well unless an emergency in which it can still be a few days, weeks, or even months sometimes. I have a been referred to a pain clinic and my wait time as of right now is 9 to 12 months, once they find a doctor, they do not even have a doctor at the moment! She retired and there is literally no one to replace her. They have been searching for months. So when they finally do find one my wait will be another 9-12 months after that.

So what does that mean? I had to be put on the lists for places, 1, 2, 3 or more hours away and hope that maybe just maybe they will have an opening before the original one does and I will have to drive half way or more across the province to get the help I need and that is not even the worst of it, some people have to go out of province, sometimes 1, 2 or 3 provinces away to get the help they need.

It’s no wonder myself and so many other people are turning to self-diagnosis. My family doctor has been my family doctor now for almost 20 years. He is a great guy and I used to trust him completely. Lately though he like so many other family doctors around here have to double and triple book patients every 15 minutes because there is so many of them. I get maybe 5 min if I am lucky with him. By the time he reads my chart he is already thinking about the next patient and not giving me his full attention. It’s not his fault. He works from 8:30 a.m. to 9 p.m. 6 days a week. He fills in for the on call doctors. I get no where because he doesn’t have time to listen and just rattles off a prescription.

The waiting list for Nova Scotian’s without a family doctor has topped 50,000 last year from 10,000 less then two years before that. Doctors are retiring or moving and there is no one to replace them fast enough. Same with nurses and other health care professionals and health care service providers. Most are understaffed, underpaid and don’t have the resources they need. I know it could be worse and probably will be at some point.

So because of this I have been making a list of my symptoms, which I will list below and I have been doing research on sites such as WebMD, Mayo Clinic, University hospital sites, etc, as well as watching a ton of YouTube videos by people suffering from similar symptoms to see what their diagnosis’s are and see if I can find some common ground with some of my symptoms. Now, I am a Type 2 diabetic and I do have Fibromyalgia and those I do not doubt. It’s plainly obvious I am diabetic and medication works. As for Fibro I am sure I have it and don’t doubt that diagnosis at all, however I do not feel that it even covers a quarter of my symptoms.

Here is a list:

  • – constant fatigue that is not helped by sleep
  • – brain fog or a fuzzy feeling in my head
  • – weakness in my neck, arm and leg muscles
  • – difficulty concentrating and finding words or forming sentences
  • – constant headache (feels like a tension type headache or pressure and in the back of my head around where my skull meets my neck and basically all over)
  • – head feels heavy and I feel like a bobble-head doll (literally swaying and bouncing feeling even when sitting or standing still)
  • – pain in my head, neck and also in my back, and legs when standing
  • – numbness and tingling in my extremities
  • – constant thirst (could be from my diabetes but happens even when my sugars are controlled and stable and not going up and down drastically and are in the normal range)
  • – constantly have to pee every 15-30 minutes, very little pee (same as above, even when sugars are stable, etc)
  • – sleep disturbances (waking up nauseous, dizzy, heart pounding)
  • – feel dizzy when standing from a sitting or laying position (sometimes I pass out and fall or just black out, I can still hear when my vision starts to fade into a “black out” and stand but I can’t walk because I have no sense of direction or where I am or what is around me)
  • – heart rate increases when standing from a sitting or laying position (when laying down I am about 70-75 and when sitting 80-85, when standing I go to 120 or higher quite often, but not always. I have gone from 70 to 145 in about 3 minutes)
  • – nausea and vomiting (I pass out just about every time if I bend over the toilet, a bucket, whatever while vomiting so I have to vomit in the bathroom sink then clean the sink after or hold a bucket on my lap while sitting).
  • – when sitting my hands and feet get really cold and blue or mottled looking
  • – when I stand my feet and shins get red and hot the longer I stand same with my hands and arms below my elbows (this is not super noticeable and not bothersome)
  • – when standing up my vision blurs, sometimes I get black spots (not floaters but almost like grey or black paint ball shaped spots, sometimes somewhat see-through)
  • – ringing in the ears
  • – balance issues and falling easily
  • – issues swallowing sometimes out of no where
  • – get hot really easily and feel like I am going to pass out especially when sitting up or standing, face flushes but my hands and feet are still cold
  • – heartburn, vomiting undigested food a lot
  • – chronic diarrhea and constipation both sometimes at the same time (ie, constipation for hours followed by diarrhea when I can finally go)
  • – shortness of breath
  • – chest pain
  • – palpitations
  • – increased sweating/night sweats (I still feel cold)
  • – asthma like symptoms even though I have been tested and pass the tests, my doctor still treats me with inhalers.
  • – shakiness
  • – panic attacks/anxiety
  • – depression

So what do all of those symptoms have in common? Well, for the longest time all I could say was “Hell if I know”. I could not get any doctor to make sense of them. At that point I had not actually checked my heart rate and I have never taken note of my blood pressure when standing so they would not have had any of that information at the time. I also likely never listed it all out at once, It was symptoms that came on over months and I would complain about them and he would try a medication to treat the symptom without really trying to get to much at the reason why. After I while I would stop mentioning it but was still happening and I would just mention new ones as they came along.

After my aunt did a lot of research she mentioned to me a couple months ago it sounds like POTS or Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome which is essentially not enough blood getting back up to your heart when standing from a sitting or lying position which makes your heart beat faster and causes dizziness and can sometimes cause syncope (fainting) in a certain percentage of people with it. It is commonly caused by or associated with EDS or Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome but can be caused by other things. She wondered if I might have EDS due to the pain I was in and the fact I have dislocated joints a lot more then most people and the fact that every scar I have (and I have a few) are keloid scars which is common in people with EDS because of thin stretch skin.

However EDS didn’t quite fit because even though I have dislocated joints it wasn’t doing day to day activities it was from injuries such as falls and such. I do not appear to have hypermobility of joints at all as an adult in fact quite the opposite. As a child I was only mildly hypermobile but I was into a lot of sports, gymnastics, figure skating, etc. I also do not have stretch or thin skin even though all my scars become keloid scars, the skin itself does not stretch far and does not rip easily at all.

POTS fits almost all of my symptoms perfectly. I finally felt like I had a possible answer that made sense. While researching to more I wondered if any of my previous car accidents had anything to do with it. Up until my car accident in 2009 I was doing really well and though I did not think I got hurt in the car accident I am now starting to wonder if it did cause some issues, since then I have been in 3 more. One where we were hit head on on an 80km road by someone turning left and then the two with deer. The last of which was just a few months ago. 3 of the 4 accidents totaled the cars we were in. Only the last one did total the car but it came super close.

On a POTS Facebook group someone asked if others felt like they were “floating” all the time. I replied and said that I yes but more of a “bobble-head” sensation and someone else replied to look up Craniocervical instability and I did and it fits the rest of my symptoms perfectly and even explains the cause of the POTS if I do indeed have them. Now, I know the dangers of self-diagnosing but at the same time, when you have no other choice you start looking for answers and I am wondering if I could potentially finally have them. I know I as well I have said that before and again that is the danger of self-diagnosing but again at this point I feel that I really need to advocate for myself and really need to push to be checked and tested for these two things. I am really hoping for once I am on the right track but I know there is a good chance we could be wrong as well.

I just wish I knew how to get the help I need to get to the root of all the symptoms whether or not it is these two things or something else all together. I am so tired of being tired and in pain. It’s affecting my life so bad right now that I am struggling so hard to cope and I am concerned of the toll it is taking on my mental health. It’s not like I can just go to a new doctor, since there are none to switch too. So I have to keep trying on my own to get them to listen and help me.