What do I want to do with my life?

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Image Credit: Mudassar Iqbal from Pixabay

A lot has happened in the last month. I have not felt much like posting or doing anything really. I have been really struggling with a lot of stuff. The good news is we have our car back we got it just before Christmas. I am driving again and doing well with it and starting to enjoy it again. I am pretty much back to where I was pre-accident during the day when driving. At night however is still a whole other story. I driven quite a bit at night to pick Edward up but I am so nervous. I figure though that I just need to do it and eventually I will gain that confidence back. I am doing well in that respect.

As for the anxiety and depression I was put on Cymbalta and it is helping. I am now at 60mg and the side effects are low and tolerable. Mostly dry mouth. I am not sleeping at all but wasn’t before starting it so it’s not from the Cymbalta. I am really struggling with being restless at night and being in pain and uncomfortable. I started physio as I mentioned in a previous post but only got to do a few sessions. I had applied again for short-term on the advise of my employer and my doctor but was denied. Short-term in denying me did suggest a gradual return to work so they set that up.

It did not go very well, quite horrible actually. I was actually excited and happy to go back but a little scared on how I would handle it but either way I showed up at about 12:30 for my 1 pm shift. Used the washroom and then was in the lunch room when the branch’s assistant manager (there is no branch manager at that location just an assistant as it is so small) requested I come into her office to talk about my return. I went in and the community manager was sitting there as well.

I am not going to go into great detail but essentially I am now unemployed I was really upset. They bullied me into quitting. They ganged up on me and made me feel really uncomfortable, made me upset and made me cry and start to panic and then when they had me right where they wanted me they pressured me into quitting. They essentially made me feel that if I did not quit they would fire me and advised me of the consequences of that happening (ie. no way to claim EI, looks bad on me, etc.) and eventually after a humiliating and very uncomfortable conversation I really felt I had no other option. So I eventually agreed.

Initially I refused to quit but they just kept at me and telling me that it was for my own good and that I was not fit to come back yet and since I was not approved for short term I had to make a decision on how I wanted it to go. Without outright saying it they made it very clear I was not staying and not going to be starting work. What else was I supposed to do?

I drove home in a snow storm in tears on the phone with my husband while he tried to calm me down. I was so upset. After talking further to him and telling him what was said, the atmosphere, etc and then talking to my parents as well they all suggested that it was discrimination and that they did not want to deal with me because they did not want to deal with panic attacks, depression, etc. They convinced me to contact the labour board. I did but because I had not yet been there 12 months they could not do anything but they did suggest I contact the Canadian Human Rights Commission so I did.

The woman at the Canadian Human Rights Commission listed to me and agreed that I had a valid complaint and that it was something they could help with and directed me to file a complaint online which I did. I received an email saying that they were taking it to the next step and starting to officially review it.

You may be wondering about the title of this blog post and the image. Well, this has opened up a lot of things. Being the end of January there are literally very few jobs at the moment. I have applied for EI and provided them all the details in hopes they will approve me until I am able to find a job. I have applied to a bunch but was really unsure what I really wanted to do. I am kind of soured towards banking now and don’t want to work for another bank.

I want a change of scenery and honestly I want to go back to school. That opened up the question “What do I want to do with my life?” and what kinds of things can I do around here that pay decent. I am not looking for a high 5 figure income that would be unlikely here. I am looking to find something I will really enjoy and make a difference in peoples lives. One thing I always come back to is I want to work with children and I have a special spot for children with disabilities because of my brother.

I am really hoping to be able to go back to school and take something that will get me working with kids with disabilities both physical and/or mental. I am willing to take whatever job in the meantime will help support us while I do that. I am going to apply to a college or university (still looking into programs) for the fall and apply for a student loan. I have no idea if I can get one but I am going to try.

Photo Editing & Early Christmas Present

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I really wanted to use one of my own photos for my header image, especially one with a lighthouse so I decided to edit one of my own in photoshop. Something I used to do all the time but that I haven’t done a whole lot of lately. I decided to start out with the above photo. I really love it but it was kind of underexposed and I just really wanted to make the red in the lighthouse pop. I am pretty happy with it. I can’t wait for my new computer to come and to be able to use it as a tablet with a pen in photoshop. It will be so much easier I think.

I really liked the idea of the photo being black and white but having the red on the lighthouse. So I played around a bit with adjustment layers and I think I did pretty good. I am really happy with the results. I really want to start using photoshop more. I used to love blending images and making fantasy type scenes. Something I would like to give a go at again.  Oh and if you haven’t guessed… I bought a new computer

I have been wanting a new laptop for a while now. Mine is over 5 years old and got knocked off the table a few months ago and broke. It still works for the most part other than the screen occasionally craps out I am assuming from a loose connection where it’s broken. I have it pretty much paid off so I decided I was going to just pay it out and order a new one, so I did. I ordered the above laptop, a Dell Inspiron 14 5000 series 2 in 1 laptop yesterday. I was considering a gaming one but decided against it. I don’t want to pay that much, especially on credit.

I wanted to keep it under $1000 with taxes and everything, which I did. I’m happy with that. I got it on a 12 month no interest plan so I plan to set up some extra payments and try to pay it off in that 12 months so we don’t pay the interest. I also ordered a Dell active pen with it as it was one of the suggested add-on’s which I normally ignore but I want to be able to draw on it. Once I got the order confirmation I clicked on the link for the pen and realized that it is not listed as compatible with the laptop I got even though it was listed as a compatible accessory.

I called and after being transferred over and over again I was told by that I was right it was not compatible and was transferred to customer service for a refund on the pen and was told they would need to cancel the whole order and start over. I really hate their customer service! So I said the hell with it and am leaving it and will test it out when I get it and if it is not compatible then I will call and request to return it. If I can’t then I will likely just try and sell the pen online. I am sure I can find someone who needs a replacement pen or something for their compatible Dell. I used to have an Adonit Jot Pro pen which worked really well on my phone and tablet so I might look for something like that again if the pen doesn’t work. I know I can find something.

I am so excited to get my new 2 in 1 laptop. Hopefully, I won’t have any major issues with shipping as delivery here seems to be sketchy at best. I would not put it past them to leave a computer outside in the snow or rain or worse. I had issues with the last one as the address did not match what was on my ID (and still won’t as Nova Scotia does not change the addresses on ID’s anymore) and they really gave me a hard time and wouldn’t accept the utility bills I had and this time I have none as all utilities are in my parents name as they are included in our rent. Should be interesting, I can’t remember how I finally got it last time but I am not going to really worry about it. I worry too much about things as it is

Counselling & Other Things

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Image Credit: Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

I finally got a call today from Mental Health Services and the Digby Hospital today. It seems that there is a free wellness clinic on Thursdays at the hospital from 9 – 3. She said all I have to do is show up and register at the registration desk and then I can see a counselor who will do an intake and determine where to go from there. I am unsure how it works but I am glad that at least there is somewhere to start. She said they can determine if some counselling sessions are needed and how often or if I need to be referred to someone else from there. It’s a bit of a relief. I was getting really frustrated and upset about it and feeling like I really needed to talk to someone.

With that and going to physiotherapy tomorrow to be assessed and get some help for the pain that is still there after the accident at least I am now starting to feel like I am getting somewhere. I was told by her today that to see a psychiatrist through mental health is a 3-5 month or longer wait. I go back to work after Christmas and still have not driven at all. I don’t even miss it. Usually, after a day or two of not driving, I am itching to get behind the wheel and go somewhere. At this point, I wouldn’t even get in a car if I didn’t have to and if I even think about driving I start to shake.

I made a bit of a mistake earlier though, my Libre sensor finished yesterday while Eddie was at work and he brought me home two sensors and I should have put one on last night but I didn’t feel like it. This morning I wanted to get a shower and had to wait a bit to ensure my skin was not wet before putting it on or it will just start peeling off. He had left for work already and before leaving we were talking a bit about everything and I still had not got the call I just mentioned yet from mental health and after he left I started feeling shaky and felt like a panic attack was coming on. By this time it was about 3 PM and I had not eaten since breakfast but I failed to notice that at first.

I tried to calm myself down and was talking to him on messenger and told him what was going on (he was on the bus to work) and he tried to calm me down but I just kept feeling shaky and then weak. Thankfully at some point, it occurred to me that maybe this one time it was not a panic attack and was maybe low sugar. I looked for my glucose monitor, test strips and lancet and could not find the case with them in it so I said the hell with it and went and got some glucose tabs and took them then made myself an English muffin.

After about 10 -15 minutes I started feeling less shaky. I put on a new sensor and activated it and waited the hour and sure enough, I was 5.7 which in the grand scheme of things is not low, in fact, it’s perfect but knowing that for the last month and a half (even before the accident) I have been in the teens and ’20s for the most part and after testing it a few times and seeing it curve upwards I know it was likely much lower then that about an hour and twenty or thirty minutes before. Which would have been before I ate and before I had taken anything to try and bring my sugar up.

I honestly don’t know how low I went but it must have been pretty low for me to get shaky because I don’t always get shaky sometimes I don’t know until I pass out. I am damn lucky I figured it out. I still feel pretty weak and now I have a headache on top of it. So, now I have the added anxiety of not being able to tell a panic attack from low blood sugar. Which terrifies the absolute hell out of me. I have to be more careful and I have to ensure I am checking and double-checking (with test strips) my blood sugar right now.

One other thing that’s been bothering me is wondering if some of the pain and fatigue I am feeling after the car accident is maybe because it has triggered a flare with my Fibromyalgia. I have probably mentioned that before and I know I have thought about that since the accident, especially this last week. Even earlier though this morning right after getting a shower I put my pajama’s on like yesterday to dry my hair with the intention of getting changed after and instead I dried my hair and then I fell asleep for an hour on the couch after sleeping about 10 hours the night before. I am so tired. No matter how much sleep I get I just don’t feel rested and each day seems to be adding to the previous day. Each day I am feeling more and more tired and weaker.

I am hoping maybe the physiotherapist might have some ideas or maybe one I tell them everything they might be able to shed some light on it. I feel like if I go back to my family doctor now he is just going to blame it on the accident or the fibromyalgia and not really do anything about it. If there even is anything that can be done. I just hope physio tomorrow does not make me feel worse and not better. I am not sure I can handle feeling much worse then I do now and I feel like one thing is feeding off another.