damn these long posts

I’m watching Footloose on Much More Music along with Ghost are the best movies ever made. What can I say I’m an 80’s child lol.

It’s a good distraction right now I guess. I feel really betrayed right now but maybe my mom is right. I know I shouldn’t have gone over last night but I was really uset and wanted answers. I’m tired of being treated like dirt by guys so I went over to see if he’d talk to me. I had no idea his sister and her little one where there. No one (not him, or them-assuming either of them knew)told me so I rang the bell and got upset when he wouldn’t answer I knew he was there so I said “I’m not leaving till you you talk to me and sat on the step. I rang the bell more times (I lost track of how many but I know it was too much) and I called his phone once. I know it was wrong, I do. And now I feel really really terrible about it. It was bad enough doing it but when there was a child involved even if I didn’t know, well I feel awful. I’ll never forgive myself for that.

But even worse I don’t think he will ever either. He messeged me on MSN and said it was bordering on being stalked and he’d call 911. He messeged me again (I think he thought he was messaging my cell but it died) a few min later and said his sister and nefew were there. Of course since my phone was dead I didn’t get those. I shut it off as it started to beep. After a while he came out and I was sitting on the step crying and he said “look at me” I shook my head or said no, not really sure which. Then he said again “Kirsten, just look at me. So I turned around and wasn’t really focused cause I was crying and he said “look I have my nefew here and your really scaring him. Now Leave.” so of course I looked aver and saw the child and I left.

I felt horrible. I really did. And do. But now I cant do anything at all or I’ll likely get myself into trouble. And I know they aren’t going to be happy when she/they (not sure if they are both gone or just her) get back. I never meant to hurt anyone. I really honestly just wanted to know why after 2 months of fun and what I thought was a good relationship someone I cared a lot about stopped talking to me, totally ignoring me and thn e-mailed me and says “Sorry for not talking but think it wouldn’t work out”. I know I did some things wrong.

I guess I called and text messaged him to much though when I asked him because I was scared of doing just that he’d tell me “No, if you did I’d tell you” well he never! Till it was too late. So with no explanation it was over. Is it to much to ask of someone to know what you did wrong to cause them to hate you so much? My mom thinks maybe something happend with his family and he just needed/needs space. But he coulda said that. Now because he didn’t I’ve gone and messed up everything. God, it hurst so much. I feel like I lost someone as if he died. I know that’s really not the same thing. Believe me I’ve lost people one very recently. Yesterday actually before I went over which didn’t help. But dammit I feel like someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And if that’s not bad enough they spit, stomped some more and threw it back in my face.

Again I know it was wrong but I drove home crying my eye’s out and hoping I wouldn’t hurt no one else (like on the road) and yet hoping like hell God would take me. I wanted so much to die. It really really hurts to loose him like this. I wish it could have been some other way. I wanna blame myself totally but I know it’s not 100% my fault. What I did was and I cant and wont try and excuse that. But I might not have done that had he said something about why he was breaking up not just “it’s not working”. Doesn’t he know how much that hurt me?

I said and did some things last ngiht I’m not at all proud of and I’m pissed, sad, crushed, and embarrased as hell. And worst of all I feel like I lost the one person besides my family that I care about more then anything in the world. And now he things I’m some psycho stalker freek and you know what? I’m not any better then one. I feel absolutly stupid and useless. I feel used. And I feel like I’ll never be able to get over this. I care way to much about him. What the hell do I do? How do I tell him how sorry I am. I wish he wouldn’t think I’m some sort of freek now. But that’s what I feel like. That’s what I’ve always felt like. I’ve never been able to express myself in a good or proper way. I always let things blow out of proportion. Now the guy I care about as well as two other people I consider friends probably think I’m a complete freek. I can only hope one of them will understand and “help” the others understand that I never meant to hurt him or anyone.

I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong. Feeling like I’m totally on another plane from everyone else. I technically live in the same world as them but I never fit in. To be honest I don’t remember really feeling this way till about 15 when everything happend (a storry for some other day. probably never as I never want it out there for everyone to see with or without any names attached to it). After that year or so that all that happened everything seemed to change. I was never really a confident child but I had friends and I did all kinds of extra curricular activities like swimming, skating, gymnastics, and horseback riding. After 15-16 everything changed. I moved to yet another place (military brat but this was for a different reason all together) and started a new school in the middle of grade 11 which is hard enough on it’s own but going across the country basically almost from one ocean to the other.

The people were different and I was different and I was never really accepted in the small town. Not unusual I guess but for someone who’d just had her life hang on the balance of hell for over a year that was another strike that almost killed my self-esteem and spirit. I dealt best as I could and made it through grad and then more tragedy. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Well by then I should have been fukcing superman. Don’t get me wrong I know people in all walks of life go through things I could never imagine but for someone like me who was timmid to begin with and starting to get seriously depressed it really put me close to the edge. So what was my solution? Move away with someone I thought I loved (and I guess I did in a way just not the same way he loved me at the time) to another province with no family or friends to support me other then him.

Not a good idea and looking back even though I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with him for the world. He was and still is one of my best friends and I care about him a lot. But it really put me over the edge and eventually I was basically forced to move home and get psyciatric treatment. The stigma of that killed my spirit even more. Now I wasn’t just crazy in my head I was labled “Clinically Depressed and suffering from Panic Disorder, Anxiety” and whatever the hell else I’ve been “labled” lately. I’m treated this way so I feel this way, I feel this way so I act this way, I act this way so I’m labled this way, and I’m labled this way cause I feel this way. It’s a never ending circle that I have no idea where it started and when the hell it’ll end (probably when I die) and I sometimes just whish I was normal whatever the hell that is.

Anyway never meant this to be so long and I have a hell of a lot more to say so I should end this and hope I can remember the rest tomorrow if not I’m sure it’ll resurface again it allways does. the bottom line. I hurt someone I care about and to him I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could ease your pain and wish you’d be here to ease mine. I wish I could do for you what you seem to have done for me in a short time. Both the good and the bad I guess but more the good.

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