dating, life, relationships, love, marriage, kids, etc…

*for anyone actually “listening” to me and waiting for this if there is anyone out there sorry took longer then expected…*

Sometimes I have to wonder. Ok so I’ll start not where my point ends but somewhere else (if that makes sense at all – and if not I’ve had a long day and when I look tomorrow I’ll probably say “fuck what shit was that girl on!?!?”). Ok so today I babysat Robyn and Liam most of the day while everyone finished packing the rest of the stuff at Aunt Fernes and moved it to thier new place (which was where I was babysitting and stuff)… Denton was there but he was an absolute dream. He was the best I’ve ever seen him. Maybe I should explain a little there. Denton is my younder brother by about 10 years and 11 months and 20 some odd days. He’s adopted which in itself is nothing to this… He’s my brother the same as if my mom and dad concieves him and don’t ever try and tell me different (i’ve been known to give black eyes for that!).

Anyways because his birth mother (who was nothing more then a child herself and not 100% to blame) drank during pregnancy and not sure what else, possibly just geneology, family medical history, etc.. anyways he has Fetal Alchool Syndrome, Attention Defacit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (I’d really like to meet the person who gave it that name!) and possible (more like probable) brain damage due to unknown circumstances. So he is a 14 year old child. Not young adult at all as far as mentality. More of a 8-9 year old if that. He’s small statured. Not a dwarf or little person (excuse me if I got the name wrong I honestly don’t mean to offend anyone) just small for his age. Academically he’s grade 2 maybe 3. Socially maybe a 8-9 year old. Physically about the same. But age wise again he just turned 14. So as a lot of children and adults with one or more of the conditions, disorders, etc., that I listed he is hyper, moody, sometimes downright bad and defiant and disrupting. But today he was wonderful. Acted more then his age. I was and am very proud. Medication is in part the reason he behaved, but also he just tried really hard to be good. Again I am very proud of him and love him to death. I would give my life for the kid. He’s my little bro

Anyways I’m so getting off track here. I’m so emotionally high tonight it’s hard to concentrate. Thoughts are running through my head so fast and at such a mixed up jumble it’s a mess. Both good and bad. Emotions the same both good and bad. So where was I back ther towards the begining. Right Robyn and Liam. I was babysitting them with Dentons help. As my previous entry says and through no fault of the other people involved because I volunteered, I was alone most of the afternoon and early evening with them watching them. Liam is 5 and 1/2 (aprox.) and he is the cutest little guy with his daddy’s sense of humor (my uncle can be really funny when he wants and is a really nice guy if somewhat self-centered at times) and mommy’s fair hair and laugh. He was really pretty good and I had a great deal of fun playing cars with him and hide and seek and I-Spy, and other games and just playing with toys. He was a great help with keeping Robyn occupied and helping me unpack some books and such that were ok for him to unpack. Robyn is 2 (give or take a few months – well I know she’s had her second birthday just don’t remember exact day) and she’s the cutest little girl. Looks and acts a lot like I did as a toddler I’m told. She’s so cuddly. I had fun feeding her ice cream and “unpacking” (or more like making a mess lol but who cares when your having fun right?). She so much wanted to be a help and she was so good all day.

Around supper time Liam was getting moody but we dealt with it by getting him involved in finding the “purrrrrrrr”fect place for the kitties beds. And miss Robynny was getting tired. So while Denton and Liam did some more “unpacking” (actually they did rather well) and looking for good places to put stuff (besides the cat’s beds) I got Robyn to come into her new bedroom with me and see if we could find a blanket and we curled up in the corner (no furnature lol so I had to be the padding) and she just layed there drinking her bottle. She looked up at me with her bright baby blues and said “I luff wu” and put her hand to my cheek and rubbed it like I’d do to her. I almost cried! Never have I wanted a little one to cuddle up with so bad. I want children so so bad. I want to be a mommy with all the ups and downs, the goods and bads, etc.

I sat there thinking why. I’m only 25 (or will be a week from today). I’m young. I still have my whole life ahead of me. Lots of time. Right? Probably, maybe, hopefully. I’m not sick that I know of. Nothing that would make one assume that times running short (I just realized I said one instead of me or someone or you or whatever else I could have put there. What’s up with that? Do I talk like that a lot? Anyways back to my “whatever it is”). Yes I have had ovarian cysts which can affect your chances of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to full term. I’ve had more then 2 major ones that ruptured (thankfully not requiring surgery) and I have a fair chance of having more “major” ones. It doesn’t mean I can never get pregnant (well in most cases) or that I will have fertility problems (though my chances are higher then woman who’ve never had any). Always just maybes, possiblies, probablies, eventuallies, never yes or no. So really who knows. I could get pregnant easy and have 6 children. I could need fertility drugs and have twin, triplets, quads, quints or more. I could have no problems but choose to stop after 1, 2, maybe 3. I could have a hell of a time and still have 2. I could have a hell of a time and have one and adopt more (I’m very interested in the possiblities of adopting and/or fostering one or more children w/ or w/ out a husband). I could just adopt. Who knows right?

So why am I so emotional about it. Why do I want kids now. Why do I not wanna wait? I don’t want to be the 50 year old mother of a 1 and 1/2 year old. Or 54 year old mother of 4 under 3. Whatever. I want them while I’m young. I want kids by 30. That’s only 5 years. 35 at the latest! I mean it’s different if I’m 42 and having my 3 or whatever. I want kids soon.

I don’t just want kids. I want a career I can enjoy and have to possibly give up for kids. Yes I’d give up or more likely put it on hold. The kids would always come first for me. I want a husband. Or even just a male partner that I love. I don’t really need marriage though I’d prefer it for the kids sake. Then again who’s to say they’re better off if their parents are married. I don’t necessarily believe that. I don’t know 100% sure where I stand on that but I have to agree some children turn out just fine with one parent, or one gay parent, or 2 gay parents, or two strait married parents, etc. The same as some children in a stable loving 2 strait parent household family grow up to be murderers, rapists, or just mean people. It works both ways and lots of things factor in I think but my points not to argue right or worng but emotions and feelings instead wether they are right or wrong. Being right or wrongs not the point. I’m not sure what was now… Just that I want kids, and husband/partner (male since I’m strait though I’m not counting out that maybe one day I may say “Hey, what they hell have I been doing I’m not strait” though I’m sure 99% that I am. Maybe more that’s nto really the question either. I perfer the male sex for sex. Lol. Sorry girls you wouldn’t want me anyways I suppose if one guy did maybe a girl would but again that’s neither here nor there… there I go again…), kids, most of all a family of my own to cherish and love and take care of and be there for and to rely on from time to time.

As for guys… why am I having such a problem? I think someone might have answered that for me. Yes when it comes to guys I care about in any way, wether it being just “crushing” on, dating, caring about a lot, or outright loving (I have been there before I have loved and been in love. I do know it. Maybe not to the extent I will with “the one” but I do know it to a point), well when it comes to them I cling to them. I’m terrified they will just up and leave. Why shouldn’t I be? They have before. Wether or not there was “signs” or wether I should have seen it coming or wether I was totally blind-sided (that’s the right word isn’t it? will change later if not), makes no difference at all. Doesn’t matter if I should have seen it, or even if I did. It still hurts just the same. It still makes you feel betrayed, abused (again I don’t want to get in a long drawn out thing on what real abuse is. That’s again neither here or there. It’s a type of abuse and can hurt quite a bit and to say it’s worse or not as bad has nothign to do with it. Not saying it is… not saying it isn’t), neglected, forgotten, misused, and plain old used. It hurts. And what are we taught from infancy when something hurts, you cling to someone you care about. They make the ouch go away or get better at least. In other words, and maybe I didn’t say this quite right, but if a guy pushes you away your going to either push the next one one away before he can push you away therefore not getting as hurt. Or you’ll cling to them afraid they’ll push you away and probably cause them to do just that. That’s what seems to happen to me. It’s my personality I’m told. Or my attitude (I almost told her she was going to get an attitude change if she didn’t fuck off).

But really I just want to meet someone that I care about and that will care about me just as much. Anyways I gotta stop now cause it’s time for bed. More later maybe… if I can keep my thoughts strait, maybe even if I can’t. But Kristina is here and she stays in my room when she stays and the computers in my room so…

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