I can’t figure out just why I have no motivation lately at all. I mean I want things to get better. I just lack the motivation sometimes to make things better. At least I’m smart enough to figure out that I’m the one that has to make it better I suppose… but it’s little conciliation to me at the moment. I’ve been thinking so much lately I’m afraid my brains a little fried must be it. What else can it be… I just have no enthusiasm about most things right now. Everything seems so bland. So not happening. Nothing I want is working out right so I’m starting to think “why bother” again. It’s a step backwards I know. And it really sucks.
Through some conversations I’ve had with other people lately I’m realizing more and more that I’m my own worst enemy sometimes… that I lake the courage to just get out there and do things. My self-esteem and self confidence is at an all time low right now. I don’t know why really. Sure some bad things have happened but is it really all that bad? Or am I just holding onto the past instead of letting go and accepting and moving on. And how does one do that? Move on… if ya know enlighten me please! Why is it that I find the bad in all situations? Why can I not find the good… or at least if there is no good then why can’t I just get past it.
People tell me it’ll come. That I have to work towards it. But I just don’t know where to begin. How come people a lot younger then me can just “get over it” an move on? I know… I know… age has nothing to do with it. But sometimes it bothers me getting “advice” for people younger then me. People who dealt with it. How come I still am having such a hard time. Why is it taking so long for me to become “stable (as someone said the other night). 5 years is a long time. And that’s only since I’ve been diagnosed with depression. Which really started almost 5 years before that.
I’m tired of being told it takes time. I get that. I get that *I* am the one that has to change my outlook on life. But dammit I am trying. I just feel the harder I try the farther away I get. Like something just constantly comes up and pop’s me back where I was. If I gain to much ground something always knocks me back flat on my ass… which is starting to hurt btw!
Speaking of hurting. It’s been 3 days now since I started with the pains in my chest… well 2 and a half. I’ve had like 3 “episodes” tonight were again it hurts and I feel an intense pain in the left side of my chest. I’m *thinking* it’s panic related. But of course I should get it checked out in case I’m wrong. I’m going to go to the after hours clinic tomorrow at my doctors office.
I made an appointment with my doctor for friday (the earliest I could get in) for it. I was going to cancel it because my parents are going camping that weekend so I’m going to have to rely on the bus and cabs to go anywhere since no one I know has a car. I was going to say none of my friends have cars but who am I kidding. I only have 3 friends… one has a car but lives too far away. The other 2 have no cars. And I wouldn’t ask anyways even if they did. Anyways I made the appointment for friday (see how much my mind wanders?!) after mom told me not to because they *were* going camping… and ummm so yeah I think maybe I’ll keep it for other reasons… I just don’t want to go alone. But I guess I have to get over that fear of going places alone. It’s really ridiculous because it’s never as bad as I think. It always turns out fine and I do whatever it is I need to do with no problems… but I just hate doing things alone.
Oddly enough. Was talking to someone (same person actually) about that the other day too. About how it was weird that me, a total loner, hates being alone. He said it somewhat makes sense. Still not 100% sure I get that… but in a ways I do. I don’t hate crowds. In a crowd your not *with* the people around you. They just happen to be there right… but in a group your *with* the people and have to associate and talk to the people your with… well “technically”… but in a crowd it’s not “planned” out. They are just there.
I have no idea if that all just made sense. Or if any of it does. I guess I haven’t really ranted like this here in a long time. More like talk about day to day things but not what’s *really* bothering me. I guess I let too many people that know me in my *real* life (be it friend, family, or simply an acquaintance) know about my LJ and haven’t felt completely comfortable saying some things… but hey it’s my place so too bad…
So in other (not so new) news…
I’ve been thinking a lot about going back to school but I just have no idea where to start or what I want to do. I think I might be interested in NSCC’s pathways program looks a little interesting or maybe a few online courses one at a time through them or another collage… Gives me a start without completely choosing yet what I want to do. I know I’ve posted about school before. And I’ve tried to call NSCAD about a few courses and no one ever calls me back.
So maybe I should just get up off my ass and go in and then someone has to deal with me. I’m really lacking motivation right now. I want and want and want but I just have no (umm… the right words escaping me) to do anything about it. I like work somewhat still. And I could easily go back to school part time and still work here part time. Money would be tight but if I can pay course by course then I just *may* be able to do it.
note to self: DO IT!