Errg whatever!

Anyone know where I can download the english dictionary in a .dic file? Preferably for free? Or shareware or I dunno… just not too much money. I’m getting broke. My bank account is dwindling fast. I know I’ll be back to work soon but I’m to stupid to sit down and figure out if the 2 weeks are on the same paycheque etc. So that I know what I’m dealing with. I just don’t have the kind of mind that’s capable of sitting down and figuring that out. That would mean I’d need to know the pay period etc. And it’s all at work and I don’t wanna show my face there any sooner then I need to right now.

I looked up the little booklet that goes around Hali and Dartmouth every fall that has all the courses and activities for the year at the rec centers and sportsplex etc. I found a few things I’d be interested in. There was Badminton, Volleyball, Swimming, and some Art courses (specifically drawing and sketching) that I’d be interested in. One problem. Work hours will allways mess it up no matter what shifts I take for those days. And I can’t just book the day off every week. Especially certain days of the week. I already have another group the Jacqueline wants me to go to that is open ended (meaning you can go as many times as you want rather then having to be there for the whole thing, but you need to bee there for the whole time alotted for the day) and it’s again Mondays. There is no way work is going to go for it.

I told her that. She was like “well that’s your choice, just think which is more important”. Ahhh… Hello? WTF do you think? My job… She’s allways hounding me about responsibility, so yeah ok I can see it now… loose my job and go to group and live at home for life cause I have no money. Or keep my job and go to a group 2 months later on a different day a day work wont have a problem with. What the hell do you think I’m gonna do. Keep my fucking job that’s what. Umm… yeah sorry. I’m a little pissed right now can’t ya tell…

So anyways, I’m gonna go soon to the NSCC and NSCAD sites (got no excuse now… have the links right here!) to look at the fall programs and hopefully it’s not to late though I think it probably is. But I’ll look and see anyways. I want to either take photography and/or some sort of digital art course(s) or maybe something else. Some sort of writting maybe? How the heck do I choose? I suppose photography is my primary choice right now. I’ll go from there.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. And for once it wasn’t because of everything that’s happend to me over the last few weeks. It was pain. Like really bad physical pain. I felt like every joint on the right side of my body was totally on fire. Except my right ankle didn’t hurt as bad. And my left ankle hurt like hell and my left elbow too. Now with Rheumetoid Arthritis which is what I’m supposed to have or is what they are still trying to find out but have started treatment for, it’s usually bilateral meaning both wrists, both ankles, both elbows, etc. Not the right or the left side. So I’m a little confused. I don’t get it. But I have a fever all night I could feel it. It was hot so sweating was in(un?)avoidable but I was like really really sweating (had to change twice I was soaked and I took a cool shower at 2:30 am cause I felt like I was totally on fire all over) and I was alternatively hot and cold. The cold was more when I got soaked and the breeze went by then I’d shiver. Brrr… what a night. I fell asleep about 4:30 or 5 and woke up about 2pm! Not good… I know.

But I just don’t know anymore how to deal with both the physical and mental pain. Especially at the same time! I just can’t do it anymore. I need to go get the last set of bloodwork done anyways so I might as well make a doctors appointment again and bug her about it again. I’m starting to wonder though. I’ve been told for so long it’s all in my head. The physical pain that is. The mental well that’s obvious. But the physical pain in highschool the coach would tell me it was just an excuse that I just didn’t want to participate. But comeone people! I went from elementry and junior high being one of the best soccor players and volley ball players in my area to hating to play it cause it hurt my hip or my ankle. There’s obviously something wrong it’s not in my head and I really hate it when people say it is. I punched a coach in the face in grade 10 when she said I was lazy and didn’t want to particiapte in volleyball. Fuck I loved volleyball! It is/was my favorite sport to play. Though now I’m to out of shape and have gained to much weight from various medications and eating to much and whatever. Maybe now it’s a little bit of laziness but then there was no way. I’d do gymnastics till I was doubled over screaming in pain and I only stopped cause I was told they’d cary me away if I didn’t leave on my own.

I guess I should go for now. Rantings not helping it’s just making me madder…

Added @ 5:02pm:
I called NSCC about webdesign. I looked at the stuff available for the fall and well it’s all there really seems to be art related. And I guess I already have a background there right.. I can use photoshop with both hands tied behind my back and blindfolded (ok well not really but it sounds good lol). And I know HTML really well. So if I have to take the first course level 1 (basica html and webdesign) then I should sail through since I did it once already through a different school. I’m waiting for a call back to find out if what I ddi can be substituted for their first level. Cause according to the course description what I did was the same as level 1 and Photoshop level 1 + more. So if I don’t have to take those two then to get the certificate then I just have to take levels 2-4 and (at least) 1 elective. That would be 4 courses rather then 6. Would cut my time down a lot. It’s a 2 year program so it should be like a good what 4 or 6 months? Good thing it aint math lol. There I’d have just failed…

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