exhausted and drained

Staying up later last night, till 1:30 or so… killed me. I don’t really know why. It’s not like I haven’t done it before. Doesn’t usually exhaust me quite so much. I had similar day today to yesterday only I felt more “with it” then yesterday. Didn’t wander quite as much as I did yesterday. Definitely not all there though. No comments please! Well no nasty ones anyway I still had the vague feeling that nothing was real and I’d “wake” up sooner or later. Is it just stress? Or anxiety maybe? I’ve been having more pains in my chest again but only at work. I am thinking it’s work related anxiety. I don’t know why all of a sudden I dread work. I used to love it. Now I only want to be there because it beats being at home board and it’s money. What happened to make a job I enjoyed become such a sore spot in my life? Why am I so anxious and stressed out.

My Mom spoke to her cousin Patti today and my Aunt Marge isn’t doing well at all. She’s got Alzheimer’s for starters. And she’s in her mid to late 70’s. I don’t remember her exact age but I think she’s younger then my Nan by a few years and Nan was 72 when she died 3 years ago (or 5? It’s sad but I can’t remember anything anymore…). So she’d be about mid 70’s?… Anyways she had a stroke a few days ago and they hospitalized her and she’s just getting worse. She has pneumonia now and her kidneys are failing. They don’t expect her to like more then a few weeks at most. It’s so hard. She moved in with Nan just before Nan died and I got to “know” her again. It’s like loosing my Nan all over again. I don’t know if I can take it and I really don’t think Mom can. She’s not doing to good and wont admit it. I’m worried about her. Even though we fight a lot. Now I’m feeling so guilty for yesterday. I swear guilt can eat you alive!

So I am off Friday and my family had plans to camp at Fall’s Lake. And they wanted me to come. I work Saturday and am off Sunday but I’ve done the drive often when we camp or stay in the cabins at the lake. But now they aren’t going because Dad booked the weekend off and they gave it too him but have him working really late the night that Mom wants to go. So she’s pissed cause Dad wont say no to them. He’s mad because she expects him to. Just another fucking lovely day in my house. Denton’s mad because he wants to go and mom said no. So everyone is bitchy, miserable and ready to jump down anyone’s throat. It’s more tense then it’s been in a while. I sometimes wish my family would just act like a normal family. I wish I was a normal 25 year old and lived on my own. I wish I’d stop wishing and do something about it…

With Aunt Marge being in the hospital Mom wanted to go to Digby Saturday (from Fall’s Lake it’s not all that far). And visit her. But I have to work. So everyone else gets to see her (they are still going to see her even if they aren’t going to Fall’s Lake) and once again I don’t. Once again I may miss the last chance I get to see a loved one before they die (that we knew about ahead of time…never got to see my Grampy who was in a coma before he died). Once again I wont get to say goodbye. Once again I’m left behind and left out. Once again I’m left feeling alone and abandoned. I’m trying my dambdest to be positive. I am. But it’s so hard. I don’t want to be left behind like this again. I’m tired of being the one left behind. I’m tired of saying goodbye. How many times does one have to say goodbye to ones they love.

Some people would say “She’s 70-something, she’s lived her life. She has Alzheimer’s so it’s better she go fast. She has no regrets (like how the fuck would they know??)” But fuck it. I don’t care. Call me selfish. Call me mean. But I want to hold on. I don’t want to let go. I’m tired of letting go. I want to stop having to let go so often. Sure everyone has to let go once in a while… but I have been to 1 wedding in my life. I’ve never been to a family reunion (I have no idea what that has to do with this…), and I have been to a total of 24 funerals (one being a double funeral for 2 friends, cousins, who where killed together) in 25 years. That is almost one for every year of my life. There is no way anyone can say that is normal. I’ve watched a few of them die. As in being with them when they died. And not peacefully either.

So do I want to hold on to someone who I know ahead of time is leaving me? Damn right I do. And maybe it is wrong. Maybe she does what to go now and peacefully rather then living years with Alzheimer’s. And I can certainly understand and respect that. But I can still want to hold on. Which makes me feel even more guilty. Why? Why do I let things bother me this way. Why don’t I just take things as they come and move on (there’s those two words again…)? Why? I don’t expect any answers. I just need to “vent”. Need to let it all out…

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