explanation

I supposed I should maybe explain my last post a bit more. Some people have friends that they’ve had for life. Or someone they’ve been good friends with forever. I have none. I keep saying best friend this and best friend that. But honestly I’m not really sure I’ve ever had a best friend. Well no I suppose I can’t say that. Brad was definetly a best friend at one point in time. But even him I’ve grown apart from. I sometimes feel like I have no one. 2 years and a friend and I got really close and we did everything together all summer. Then the summer was over and we went back to our regular lives and since then we’ve seen each other maybe a hand full of times. He’s on MSN and we don’t talk. I’ve tried but nothing.

Last year another friend and I got really close and it lasted till about the end of the summer. Same thing. We did stuff together all the time. He called me his “best bud” but really I felt like I was just someone to fill in the time for him. Then he started going out with someone and I just became a third wheel. Someone they felt the had to include. It got tiring for me. I hated being with the two of them. In the end we fought and now aren’t talking.

I’m tired of repeating it over and over. Even with people I don’t get so close to. We talk for a while then loose touch. I just feel like I never make anyone happy. That I dissapoint everyone. I dissapoint myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. I feel so down. It’s scaring me. If my parents find out. I can’t afford this right now. I want things to be better. Yesterday I felt so good. Today I feel the opposite. Is it because of the migraine… Should I just wait till tomorrow and see how I feel? I don’t know what to do..

I hate fighting with people. I laid in bed this afternoon and listened to my mom and dad put my brother and I down. How we cared about no one but ourselves. Maybe they are right… I try dammit. I swear I do. But I feel like it’s never enough for them. I love them to death but sometimes I just wished I was the hell out of here. I hate crying. I hate this so much.

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