frustrated to death

I suppose I should explain that last post some. I woke up again to fighting this morning. And yesterday morning when I got home. This morning at about 9:30 I hear this shattering. Mom threw a plate at the wall. Her and Denton were fighting. Actually her, Dad and Denton were fighting and had been since like 7. I had heard nothing but yelling all morning. I didn’t even wanna get out of bed. I guess yesterday morning. Again there was more threatening. Yesterday I guess she even called her friend Jackie and asked if she would be able to come stay for a few days. She was out in the van for about 45 min yesterday morning supposedly and just wouldn’t come back in the house cause she was scared she’d hurt Denton. Or he’d hurt her. Dad went out to talk to her and they talked seriously about her leaving. So who knows. Maybe things aren’t going too good. Well no shit. They definetly aren’t but still. I just don’t know what to do.

I am kinda tempted on calling and canceling the computer if there is no penalty (which there likely is) and using the money for an apartement. My biggest problem is I can’t afford to live on my own. I’d need a roommate. I just don’t wanna do that again. I tried the rooming with strangers thing and it never worked. Rooming with friends just kills the friendship. So what’s that leave ya? Nothing. I just am feeling kinda lost right now. Like I said before. I feel like my world is so tiny. And the more I try and widen it. Well instead the smaller it seems to get.

Over all I’m still doing much better. I feel really happy sometimes. And I can forget the bad and just concentrate on that. But it keeps coming back. It’s a step though. Before nothing got through. Good or bad. I just couldn’t feel. Now I feel it all. And the sadness hurts. But it’s easier to deal with when you can feel it. The intermitant (and growing) feelings of joy make it well worth it.

I know it’s going to take time. And I get that. It’s just frustrating. I want things now… guess that’s kinda selfish.

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