I had a doctors appointment today and all the tests she did came back negative so all them were fine. I had a log talk with my mom and she said something has been bothering you lately what is it. So I told her. I told her the complete truth. That I was tired of the therapy that gets me no where, tired of the doctors prescribing medication after medication that never seem to work. I told her I feel the medications are a huge part of the problem. To my complete surprise she agreed with me. I told her I want off them. I want to go off and stay off for a few months and see. If it doesn’t work I’ll go back on them. So I have an appointment next week. I agreed to stay on them as they are prescribed until the appointment then I’m telling the doctor I want off. That I want her to tell me the safest way to come off them properly. I’m doing it one way or another. I’d rather do it the right way and taper off. So I am going to tell her I need her help to get off them and that I will go back on them if I need to but I want to try without them. Right now I am financially ok. I have nothing pressing in my life that is extremely stressful.
I really honestly think that the medications are the problem. It’s been 5 years that I’ve been on them. It started out as anxiety. I went on medications for that and the medications made me depressed so they added and/or changed medications till it took care of both problems. Then after a while the depression would get worse and they’d up the meds again to combat that and that made the anxiety worse. And so on till I just feel like I’ve been medicated for 5 years for an issue that may have only been short term. Yes I needed them at the time. And yes I could still benefit from therapy which after work settles down a bit I am going to start again. But I want to try no meds for a while and see. How do I know what the problem is if I don’t give it a try. They haven’t really worked. They just make one or the other worse till I increase meds and stabilize a bit then after a few months it happens all over again. So I’ve made the decision and I’m sticking with it. Is it the right one? There’s no way to tell right now. But I have to try. This is my life. And I’m tired of wasting it. Financially right now I should be able to save money, pay off student loans and still have some money left. Instead I’m spending it on anything and everything. To be honest other then clothing I don’t even know what I’m spending money on. I am looking online right now for some info on budgeting and personal financial planning. I called student loans and asked if there was someone I could talk to about repaying a loan that’s in collections.
They are sending me a sheet to fill out. A financial survey and I can call them back and speak to someone (she said that I can go in and speak to someone in person which I prefer) to set up a pay back plan. I’m going to set up a budget sheet and I’m going to “pretend” I’m living on my own and paying rent and phone/cable etc. I’ll just save that money. But that way what I don’t actually really have to pay to someone will be there for me in the future. Tomorrow mom is working and I have the day off so I have to drop Denton off at school and I’ll have the van for the day. All I have to do is make sure I pick him up at lunch drop him back off to school and then pick him up at 2:30 when he’s done. So I’m going to use the day and go to the bank and open a new savings account that’s not attached to my card and I’m going to see if I can either talk to or set up an appointment there with a financial planner or something. Secondly I need to start looking at options for school. I’ve been putting it off. I want to go back to school. So I’m going to go into Ackerly Campus tomorrow and see if I can speak to someone or make an appointment with someone.
I feel like I’m waisting time that I could be doing things. I’ve been sitting here waiting to be happy again. Waiting for things to go back to normal. But it’s time to stop waiting. It’s time to just be happy and take my life back. It’s time to stop waiting for other people to help me. It’s not up to them it’s up to me. I need to help myself. I may not have gotten a lot done today on the grand scheme of things but just the few little things I did today has made me feel totally happy and accomplished. I feel ready to take back my life and take on the world and live my life to the fullest. I can’t dwell on things I can’t change. And talking about changing things is useless unless you do it. So starting today I’m doing it. Not going to do it but have already started doing it.
Life’s not all that bad. People definitely have it a hell of a lot worse off then I do. Not saying I never have a reason to complain, but instead of just complaining and waiting for things to get better I’m going to make them better myself. I feel totally empowered and I feel the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I feel I’m getting somewhere. I feel I can do this. I am doing this!