going to digby tomorrow

Mom just picked me up from work. I think we’re going down to Digby tomorrow. Aunt Marge is really bad. I just saw pictures of her. It’s not the Aunt Marge I know. They’re heart breaking. She so swollen she’s about 3 times her regular size. She can’t eat (she’s in a semi state of coma and paralyzed on one side). So she’s on IV’s but she’s diabetic so her blood sugar is like 4 cause they can’t control it because she isn’t getting the nutrients she needs. Her kidneys are barely working and she’s so bloated it’s horrible. I haven’t cried yet. This all just hasn’t really sunk in yet. But it’s starting too. I’m doing my best to hold back the tears. It’s going to be so hard. I’m scared to go see her yet if I want to see her I have to go tomorrow. Joey (her son) is coming from Florida where he lives because they don’t think she’ll make it through the next few days. They’re surprised she made it through the weekend.

God all I can think of is the last time her Nan and I all went to bingo. I remember going outside at one point because the smoke was making my eyes sting and she followed me out and we talked for a while. I was like 17 or so. Maybe older? 18 maybe. And she wanted to know if I had plans for collage and stuff. But rather then being dissapointed that I wan’t to take a year off she was encouraging and saying some people needed to do that as long as they went back. I promised I would. I never kept my promise. I remember Jerry’s funeral (my foster Uncle) and I was sitting with Ray (my other foster Uncle, both boys were in their mid 40’s and severely mentally handicapped, both were living in the Bridgetown Adult care facility – my Nan and gramp had the boys from their teens till their late 30’s or very early 40’s) holding his hand and talking to him in the viewing room. I was (and am still to Ray) very close with both boys. I grew up with them and they’ve always been in my life. Anyway I was talking to Ray who wasn’t really aware and was just basically grunting. But I had tears pooring down my face and I was just trying to keep him happy and quiet since he knew something big was happening and he just didn’t understand.

Aunt Marge came up to me with one of her grand or great grand daughters and told the girl to go sit with Ray while she talked to me. So we talked for a while and she hugged me and said it was so hard on all of us but especially me. I had grown up with the boys almost as if we were siblings who just didn’t always live together. She said she wanted me to know how impressed she was that even in my late childhood, my teens and into my early 20’s that I never shunned the boys. That I still treated them the same as I did when I was little. And she was glad I was there for Ray who really didn’t understand. She was such a sweet heart. I’m going to miss her so much. My mom cried on the way home from picking me up from work. She said it’s like loosing “Mom” (my Nanny or Nan) all over again. And in some ways it is. It brings all that back. God I miss her so fucking much. She really was like a mother to me at times. Yes I have a mother and I love her to death but if mom wasn’t there for some reason Nan always was. She was my protector. She was my Nan. I miss her so much it hurts. Brad I don’t know if I ever told you how much it meant to me to have you there when mom told me. To have you hold me and just be there. I was in bad enough shape as it was and I know I wouldn’t have made it without you. For that I’ll always be greatful and you’ll always be one of my very best friends. Your always there when I need you. Even now you listen anytime I have a problem. And I try and listen to you. I just hope I’m as good a friend to you as you’ve been to me since highschool (well during grade 12 too). And all my other friends. I really love you guys to death. I’m only mentioning Brad, by name cause I know he wouldn’t care. The rest of you I don’t know…

Work was ok today. Kept me busy and ocuppied and went extremely fast. Especially since I was over an hour late. No one said anything. And in some ways that’s cool. I have enough to deal with right now as it is. But some people also noticed that I never got in trouble and that Brad (different Brad) wasn’t upset with me at all. Was very civil to me which isn’t usual if you late. Some people are asking questions. I know it’s no one’s business but at the same time I don’t want them to think I’m getting favors for no reason. They just know how bad things are right now for me and I’m just *guessing* that’s why no one said anything. I never really apologized. I didn’t really want to make more out of it then it was. After this is over (god I hate to say that). I am going to get a card each for Bethany, and one for Brad, Brad, Adrian and Lesa thanking them all for everything they’ve done. Sorry this is starting to sound like I’m planning something or something. I’m not, not at all. All I plan is to be around for a long time but I just want everyone to know how much I appreciate things! Everyone online and offline has been so accepting and understanding and I appreciate it. My LJ friends especially.

I only work 3 days (1 down 2 to go) this week so I’m going to have way to much time on my hands to think about things. I might try and take an extra shift and I guess now I have no excuse not to make sure I do things I’m supposed to do. Dr’s appointments, going to the collages and talking to someone about taking a class or two, going to pay my student loan and set up a savings account I have no access to… etc… I think I need to make myself a to do list…

Well I kinda feel somewhat better getting all that stuff out. Feeling a little less overwhelmed with things. Wrote another poem last night. I’m quite proud of it actually! And I guess I am going to Digby tomorrow for sure. Mom just told me…

Anyway…

  1. $200 on student loan Friday
  2. go to NSCC and get course info
  3. go to NSCAD and get course info
  4. make (and keep) Dr H appointment for Thursday or Friday
  5. open savings account
  6. take phone in to be fixed
  7. make a financial plan of some kind (ie *bills* to pay etc…)
  8. call and make appointment for OcT

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