Went to group again tonight. It went ok. Could have been better, could have been worse. Made me realize something though. I don’t miss Percey so much per-se as just someone. I just want a guy that cares about me. I’m not sure that’s a good or bad thing now. I do miss him. But since he wants nothing to do with me it’s time to move on. I have no idea how to meet people my age here… especially guys. Other then people I work with and I don’t wanna go there. Work relationships can get really nasty sometimes. I have no idea how to make friends. I’ve never been really good at it. And once I do. Well they usually go the same way as the one with Tara seems to have gone. Maybe not for the same reason. But she’s right I do push people away. And it’s because I have no idea how to interact with people my own age.
I mean I got really close to Mark over the summer a few summers ago and then I just never kept up. And the same with Matt. Well I guess him and I just kinda stopped talking cause his girlfriend and I got in a fight. She was my ex room-mate. But I keep putting myself in the oddest situations with people. Living with a close guy friends girl friend who I didn’t like to begin with and who didn’t really like me and was jealous of our friendship. Or going out with a guy after one movie and a loooooooooong talk on his couch (nothing more then talking!) and he was a close friend of a friends boyfriend and they put us together. I guess being set ups not so good sometimes either.
I just feel so damn alone right now. I’d give anything to have the 3 of them back. Even though her boyfriend was more of a “boyfriend” of a friend. It was still nice doing things with people outside work. Now what happens when I go back to work? Hopefully she’ll keep it to herself because if not than I’m really going to have a bitch of a time there. It was starting to be awkward enough as it is. Actually not the last month or so wasn’t too to bad it wasn’t till 2 weeks ago that I just “broke” and had to take the leave that Bethany suggested earlier. Physically and mentally I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do. I have people around me constantly and can never get any time alone and yet I feel so so alone. Why is that?
Why do I feel abandoned. And left out. And socially inept. Because I guess I am. The last two anyways. I don’t know about abandoned. I’ve been “technically” abandoned by people a few times in my life. And I’ve been abandoned from people by death. And it’s still abandonment, not matter how you look at it they usually leave with no time to say goodbye. Even if they didn’t do it purposely, they made me realize that tonight that the sting of abandonment is still there regardless and it still hurts. Maybe that’s what hurt most with Percey. Not that he left. But how he left. No notice. No goodbye.
No matter what I long to belong and I feel like I never do and never will. W al long to belong I guess right? It’s human nature and such. But why is it that some of us are just destined to never ever belong no matter how hard we try. We’re some sort of cast outs that the world just doesn’t seem to know what to do with. We are shattered souls that long to just belong and fit in and to be like other people who seem to have no problem fitting in.
I miss it. I miss having friends that understand me. Friends that care about me. Friends that love me. I know I have some. Don’t get me wrong there. But I want to have ones that are close by and that I can do things with a few times a week instead of a few times a year. People that care about me and love me for who I am. Not who they think they can make me be.
Added @ 10:33pm:
Oh I am going back to work on July 5th! Or did I mention that in my earlier post today? Probably. My minds a sive(sp?). I’m semi-excited and semi-terrified do to the above reason and others. I’m feeling much more anxious since I went on Remeron. I don’t know if that’s normal or not. I think I’ll be ok. Just have to remember to breathe lol. I know there is/was more I wanted to say but as soon as I went to type it it’s gone… figures.
Added @ 10:37pm:
Oh lol I know what it was! I mentioned to someone at group today about journaling and she said I should think about publishing my stuff. It’s something to think about. She said she could tell I was a writer by some of the things I said in class and some of the things I’d written (she works for a publisher) and she said I she give it a good thought. I think it would be kinda neat but at the same time my journals are so private and personal too me. I know this one isn’t very long/old but it’s definitely not my first. I have tons of old hand written ones and I have about 4 years worth of blogging on my domains. I showed her the poem below and she loved it. I told her it was way to personal and I don’t think it’s very good. I mean it’s like only the 3rd one I’ve even written. I do love to write though. It’s so soothing and freeing.
Also we were talking about career choices and I said I wanted to take some photography courses so I think I am going to look into some creative writing and/or photography or other art related/writing related courses at some of the collages. I don’t have the money and probably couldn’t get a loan to go back to school full-time but I can start with a course and see where it goes from there. I really need something besides work to occupy some of my time.