guilt

God I’m frustrated with myself! Sometimes I just want to scream… I’m feeling so so good (which is good right? right?!?) and yet I want more then anything to feel better… but I feel guilty. The guilt eats at me. Guilt about past events that I feel I should have had control over but didn’t/don’t. The hurt and the anger eats at me. Till there feels like there is sometimes nothing left. I don’t really know how to explain it. And I don’t really know what I mean… I’m not depressed… not at the moment… just need to get it out maybe it’ll help.

This all has something to do with something that happened to me a long time ago that none of you actually no the details about save one person that’s been in my life for a number of years now it has nothing to do with anything recent and I have no idea why it’s suddenly on my mind tonight since nothing really would have *triggered* it. I can’t talk about details as it could hurt some people I love but it was extremely traumatic to me and maybe this is my *release*?!? I hops so… Anyways while witting this I wrote a new poem about it and I figure it’s as close to *explaining* how I feel as I can…

Tears At Me

It tears at me till i just want to scream
this guilt, this anguish, and this pain.
It hurts me till I aptly want to suppress
this anger, this hatred, and this shame.

I cry at night, hoping it’ll all go away,
this feeling that it’s so damn despairing.
Sometimes I wake up at night feeling
so fucking tired that it’s beyond bearing.

It disturbs me at the most inopportune,
of times, makes me want to withdraw.
I never meant to hurt you, to disappoint,
to completely demonstrate this tragic flaw.

They lied to everyone and made me a fool,
but worse they hurt you beyond speculation.
Nothing compares to what they put you through,
Somehow it just seems so lost in translation.

But I’m ready to move on, go beyond,
to accept it and begin the healing.
To understand the pain and anger,
and to move beyond what I’m feeling.

In other news… I watched the plane crash on tv as it unfolded in Toronto shortly after it crashed and have followed it all night. I can’t describe the feelings I had as I watched that plane burn. Wondering if those people had gotten out. Fire terrifies me. Planes terrify me. 9-11 enforced that… the helplessness you feel watching people die even if on TV but knowing it’s real. Well it was horrifying… obviously for everyone. And knowing my cousin was likely one of the first there… then later finding out he was one of the *lost* ones. This just brought the horror back. On a different scale maybe but horror all the same. Maybe it’s mushy, maybe it’s pathetic, but I almost cried with relief when they started saying they didn’t believe anyone was killed. That anyone walked away from that inferno! It just amazes me. After my last post… well it’s times like this when they whole *God* thing becomes a reality to me. I don’t know if I believe. It scares me. If there is one. Will I go to hell for not necessarily believing? I don’t know. I can joke all I want but emotionally and spiritually. I’m so fucked right now. Wicca, buddhism, christianity, etc, it all calls to me. And it all pushes me away… it just confuses me beyond belief. I believe certain aspects of each. I agree with certain things in each but not one as a whole. Call me confused… I am…

There is so much emotions churning inside me right now.

Anyways, went to see Batman Begins last night. I thought it was pretty damn good. Think he did too. Had a great night all in all. Went for something to eat. Haven’t had Eastside Mario’s in a while. Was good though I got the same thing I always get there, or anywhere. I gotta learn to like more food. Try new foods. Watched another movie after that and got home about 3:30am. Thought my mom would kill me. My father was supposed to go to his truck about 2 or 3. But I guess they took him about 10pm and so when I got home no one was up and no one even knew really what time I got home. Big difference from the last time I got home at 3am! Mom was waiting up for me and yelled at me for an hour.

So… got in a fight with mom today. Haven’t really done that in a while… it was over something so stupid too. We were having supper, the 4 of us at the table! Not something that happens often I have to say. Anyways she asked what the latest news on the *plane* was and I started to tell them. She interrupts and starts saying something then I interrupt and she starts yelling at me saying I’m being rude and obnoxious and ignorant and whatever. Uh hello? You just fucking interrupted me… so that’s fine I start talking and again she interrupts. Well I blew up! I said “And you have the nerve to say I’m ignorant? You keep fucking interrupting me!” So I grabbed my food and started to go to my room and she starts yelling and swearing at me and me back at her. Dad says to my comment about her interrupting me and being rude “well you don’t have to like it but she can do whatever she wants”. So I said “No way! I at least deserve some respect! If you meant to interrupt that’s fine… but don’t go yelling at me when I do the same! It’s not fair”… FUCK all so stupid. I feel like shit now. I feel like I’m ungratefully and I should have just kept my mouth shut.

I fell so guilty about that… just more guilt to add to my completely guilty conscience… oh well…

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