Happy Birthday DJ

I’m gonna start with yesterday. I went to the meeting even though I wasn’t really in the mood to go. I’m not sure really if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I felt and feel so detached from people there and the whole thing in general. I just don’t feel like I have anything in common with any of them. They are mostly middle age and they mostly are either going through divorces or thinking about it or just not totally happy in their marriages. What do I a 25 year old, or soon to be, who’s only had 3 serious relationships have in common with them? I am just starting my work career (well not really I’ve been working since high school) and they are ready to retire or shit like that. How is that all gonna help me? I just feel like I’m on a whole other level. Even Catherine one of the leaders of the group and a therapist, said I seemed really detached the whole time.

We are doing Schema Therapy. To be honest I’ve never heard of it before but it’s based on the belief that everyone has one or more “life traps” or schemas. there is 19 of them and the one (not the only but the one I scored highest in) that most pertains to me according to a survey I took at the group is Social Exclusion. I feel uncomfortable in social situations even though I am a friendly and personable (what the hell does personable mean anyways?) person. The next highest scoring one for me is abandonment. I agree with both and see how it all fits in to my “life traps” and stuff but I just don’t see how a group of people 10-45 years older then me with help (the next youngest is 35).

I felt really numb through the whole session. She was trying to get me to talk or even argue my point with her but she gave up cause I just wouldn’t give in. I am going to talk to her next week and just tell her I understand all this and agree with it cause it all does make sense to me but I feel that I need more individual therapy first and then maybe re-do the group later. I want to try and see someone besides Jacqueline and I don’t know if it’s possible but I’m gonna ask anyways.

Well enough about that I guess. Today is my younger brother DJ’s birthday. He’s 14! We had taco bell for supper and an ice cream and walk along downtown Halifax with him and I and mom. Dad was working. I bought him some game boy advance game and got myself 2 of them and a pair of flip flops.

Other then that I’ve had a very boring day. I’m talking to Tara and trying to fix my computer right now. It’s full of adware and spyware and viruses so I’m using Spybot, Adaware and AVG to see if I can fix it if not I’ll have to re-format sometime this week. It’s bad enough I can’t used two things at once or the computer will not respond. So I’m listening to the tv instead. Have MMM on.

I feel really odd tonight. Meds are kicking in and I’m getting drowsy but I feel detached and numb again. I’m not sure I like it really. I wanna cry, I wanna kick and scream and yell my head off but I’ve void of emotion right now. I don’t know if it’s my body shutting my emotion off because I’ve hit a point it can’t handle or if it’s the meds or a combo of both. But I gotta say I don’t like it.

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