Happy Birthday To Me, Happy Fucking Birthday To Me

*Warning I’m extremely pissed right now, I’m mad and I’m upset and I’m tired of everything. I’m going to say things I’ll regret later. I have no doubt about that. But I need to vent. I need to let it all out. I need to free my soul. If I say something you don’t agree with then I’m sorry. We can’t all always agree on everything. I agree to accept other for themselves and I agree to disagree. I hope you can too. If not don’t bother reading this. Don’t waste my time. If you want to comment fine comment. But at least read the whole thing. And do not tell me I’m wrong. I know I probably am. I know I’m not always right. I know I make mistakes. And I’m tired of running. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of being someone I’m not. So just respect my opinion and agree to disagree. Otherwise FUCK OFF! *

I don’t feel very festive. I’ve had too much bad news over the last few weeks. I had a terrible day. Everythign went wrong from the start. But I still smiled through the whole day. Felt like an absolute idiot and the biggest fucking loser but whatever. I think I was used. I think I was taken advantage of. I think I was set up. I think someone is sitting back having a great fucking laugh at my expense. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it want’s on purpose. But I feel like I was taken. Like this was planned. I desperatly don’t want to believe that. But I don’t know what to believe. The thoughts are running through my head. I feel like I wanna explode. I feel like I want to scream.

I’m over crying. I don’t feel sad. I’m beyond hurting over i. I don’t know what I expected. I’m tired of people like that. Telling me why I’m the way I am. Telling me I should be this or do that. I don’t tell others what they should be. I accept what they are. For everyone out there that thinks we should just be happy and stuop complaing and feel good about ourselves. Come be me or someone like me for a day. Tell me then how you feel about the world. Tell me then why you think “love” is the answer. I don’t even belive it exists. Like you fucking know. Like you have one fucking clue. I’m mad at the world. I hate myself. I hate the people I thought cared about me at least a little (not all of them are included but most aref). I hate myself for caring and expecting somthign to go right. No fucking wonder I am the way I am. All my life people who where supposed to care about me have taught me that trust is stupid. That people will take that trust and throw it back in my face. They mock me. They hate me. Why? I have no idea. I don’t care. But I do… if I didn’t why woulkd I be crying now.

What’s the point in putting your faith in someone you know will just crush it. Who toss you out on your ass without looking back. They’ll hurt you and even feel bad but they’ll do it anyway because they don’t want to take the time to sort it . People are constantly telling me it’s because I think this way. That I get what I expect. But that works both ways. I expect it because it’s all I’ve ever got. When your little and you touch a hot burner you learn it hurts and not to do it again. When someone crushes your spirit it hurts. And you shy away scared that other will do it too. And when you carefully let someone past that barrier and they do just what you expected and it’s from someone you never expected it from. It kills. I’m constantly told I just have to be happy. Well I’m not. I can’t just forget all the hurt. I can’t forget the things people will do to each other. I can’t forget all the misplaced trust. All the hurt and the abuse. I can’t forget what it feels like to be hurt in ways I don’t even want to describe. Physically, mentally, emotionally. What’s it matter it hurts regardless. I can’t foget all the pain. I can’t forget all the hate.

I don’t feel like it’s worth it anymore. And I feel like I can tell no one. I’m tired of people getting mad at me because I’m upset. I’m there for them. Why should it be different for me. I can’t say that no one has ever been there for me. I’d be saying something that’s completely wrong. Lots of people have been there for me. Even some the people who have hurt me beyond words have been there for me sometimes. But after a while it adds up. After a while all the wrongs outweigh the rights. I’m talking everyone in general not anyone in specific. Sometimes it’s hard to look past the whole picture. Sometimes it hurts to know that most likely they’ll dissapoint you. That most likely they’ll hurt you. And if they don’t well god bless them. And if they do and are truely sorry then fine I can look past it. I can forgive. But the overall picture is hard to forgive.

I want to just have a few people that will except me as I am. Not expect me to be someone else.

I wrote another poem and I feel like sharing. I don’t give a damn if it’s dumb or stupid or mushy or just plain sucks. it’s mine. Don’t take it away from me. Let me have the one thing that makes me feel a little more human. A little more alive. A little less alone.


shattered soul crying out for love
feeling used and abused, abandoned and unloved
she cry’s her heart out while lying there
totally unaware

she just desperatly wants to fit in
wants to be loved and adored
but feels like no one cares
needs to be held but no one’s there

cry’s herself to sleep at night
not knowing what the next day will bring
maybe an end to this lonely dream?
someone who’ll care and not ignore her

she looks to the sky for help
why does she always feel so left out
feels alone in a room full of people
wants to push them away

she scared they’ll abandon her
and leave her sitting all alone
immersed in her thoughts
she doesn’t care what they say

she doesn’t want to be there anyway
doesn’t know what to do with her life
can’t see the future
it looks so far away

like it’ll never be there anyway
she wants to go home
but doesn’t know where to start
feels like someone tore out her heart

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