hurry up and get here…

So back to work again tomorrow. I’m kinda glad. Only thing is I’m doing two weeks of nights. That I’m not all that happy about. But I’ll live. My computer will be here in a few days and then I’ll have something to do for a bit getting the stuff all set up on it and getting what I want off this one onto that one. And then formatting and re-installing windows on this one and putting it out in the kitchen so they’ll have a computer and leave mine alone.

It’s been a really lazy few days. I haven’t done much other then the KMFDM concert Saturday night and _juju_ coming over during the day Thursday for a little bit. Saturday night after the concert we went back to his house and he made a shot called Liquid Cocaine. It’s Goldschlager and Jagermiester. It was interesting to say the least. I was really embarrased to admit I’d never really done shots before. I really haven’t done a whole lot of drinking. A few drinks here or there. And gotten drunk maybe 2 or 3 times in my life but off of beer or coolers. Anyways he made me do the first over the bathroom sink lol. Just in case. Wasn’t bad at all. Loved the taste actually. It’s a little known fact about me but I looove cinnamon. I can not get enough of it. I’d eat cinnamon hearts till someone would take them away from me because I’d make myself sick. So a cinnamon flavored spirit… well you can’t go wrong there lol.

Otherwise I’ve been on the computer some. Or laying on my bed watching TV or reading. Haven’t really left the house much otherwise. I know that’s not really that good and neither is all the sleeping. But when I’m home I don’t wanna leave my room. It’s the only place I have so semblance of peace and quiet. I still get yelled at. Or am the topic of the yelling. But at least I’m in my room and can try and ignore it.

To give her credit. My Mom that is. She and Dad made me and Denton come out of the room yesterday morning and have a talk. And surprisingly enough they said they were extremely proud of me. That I am turning things around and they can see I’m trying and that they are very happy with my progress. So that felt really good. And for turkey day mom made a cinnamon loaf. Everyone ate some but it was for me. I’m the only one that ever asks for it. It’s my favorite food in the whole world. I love it. And she makes it every Christmas for me.

I still feel a little down. Nothing major. Just a little upset under the surface. I’m still a hell of a lot happier then I’ve been in months, even years. I can smile and mean it. I don’t know when the last time I smiled and was truly happy was. It’s been a while. It feels so damn good. The anger and the sadness still creeps in from time to time and it hurts like hell. But at least it’s there. At least I care and feel it. Much easier to deal with. Much. And then the joy and happiness comes back and makes it all worth while! I’m confused as all hell but oddly enough I don’t mind. I’m just happy I can feel the emotions again and don’t feel so cut off and numb.

Know when you feel like there is so much to say? But you can’t. Because people read it and sometimes your worried that they’ll read it wrong? Or they’ll see more into it then there is? Or you just don’t know how to explain… well that’s how I feel right now. So I guess I’m just gonna let the rest go for now till I can figure out what to say.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *