I don’t meant it… really.

I’m bored. There’s nothing to do. I wish we could use msn at work. All I can use is e-mail and no one ever e-mails me. It’s sad but I live for break when I can check my phone only to find no one’s called me. There’s not many people to call me. My small intimite circle of friends is like really small now… I’m such a loser sometimes :p But I just hope that maybe someone called me. It’s the same at home. I will be laying in bed watching tv after supper and I just wish I had someone to talk to on the phone. But there’s only one person and I live for his calls… which isn’t fair at all to him. Poor guy got way more then he bargained for I think when he offered a “shoulder” to me. Wonder if he regrets it. Hope not. I don’t. He’s quickly become a very dear friend to me. I just can’t rely on him all the time to pull me out of this. I need to do it myself! But it’s appriciated. I hope you know that Hun!

Anyways… I’m hoping maybe Brad’ll send me home early but I doubt it. I spent a good hour to hour and a half off the phone cleaning stations and just walking around doing nothing in general and got paid for it Not too bad eh??

So I sleep in this morning till about 8:30 or 9 and what do I wake up to? My parents fighting again…. about what? Me, Denton, and just anything possible. I just layed in bed and listened and pretended I was asleep.. I know… I shouldn’t have done that. But it’s not like they were trying to hide what they were saying. They were yelling loud enough they woke me up! And I’m sure since my bedroom window and my brothers was open that the neighbours probably could hear them too.

I just layed there listening and it occured to me that all I ever hear from my mothers mouth is complaints. It’s no wonder I am the way I am. She is never happy. I know that happiness is a personal thing and that you can choose to some point whether you are happy or not. For the most part. But if all you’ve ever heard all your life is complaints… well… what do you expect. So with that in mind I’m gonna complain… I know…

Anyways, she was upset because gas was so high. Ok so who isn’t? She was mad because she says all she does is drive us back and forth to work and school. Well I can see her point there. She works full-time from home. Plus she has to take my brother in in the mornings for 8:30 pick him up for lunch at 11:30 take him back to school for 12:00 and then pick him up from school again at 2:45. Personally I don’t see why on nice days he can’t walk to school in the morning and home after school. Lunch time I understand. He has an hour and it takes a good 10 minutes to walk to his school leaving him only like 10 min to eat and leave again. It’s not enough time really. And obviously in the mornings in the winter if it’s dark and/or cold then fine drive him and on really cold days after school. There is a lunch program but he wont stay. And it’s not really worth the fight.

Also she has to drive me to work and dad to work. I have offered to take the bus (except for after work on the days I stay after like 9 or so if it’s dark…) but she always says no. Then she turns around today and tells my father I wont take the bus! It pisses me off. I never said I wouldn’t. And I suggested it to her. She keeps turnign everything I say around and telling my dad I refuse to do this and that. I hate to talk about my mom like this. I love her to death. But dammit it’s frustrating! I feel like nothing I do makes her happy. Like nothing I do ever satisfies her. She says I refuse to help around the house. That I wont do anything to help her out. I’m constantly picking my brother up and dropping him off. And I offer to do that all the time. I don’t do as much around the house I suppose as I could. I try. But I get yelled at so much I just give up. I’m tired of being the one she takes everything out on. I’m tired of Denton and her fighting and then she makes my life hell for the next day because of it.

I feel so guilty saying anything. But it’s driving me nuts and I feel like it’s just pilling up on me. If I don’t “tell” (this’ll have to do..) I’ll blow up and say something I regret to her. It happens way to much already. But I’m so tired of it. She keeps telling me I need to trust her. That I need to tell her things when I’m upset. But how can I talk to her. I feel like I’m not wanted there. Like I make her life miserable. I feel so unwanted. I know that’s not true. but when your constantly being told you do this wrong and you do that wrong, and you don’t measure up to there “perfect” image of what a child should be like it’s hell. Dad always says Denton and I have it easy. That we’ve never wanted for anything. That we’ve always been taken care of. And that we’ve never been abused. No we haven’t physically. But life there is one hell of an emotional roller coaster and I’m tired of it. How the hell can I be happy when all I hear is people telling me I’m a burden and a bother (maybe not directly saying it but damn it they sure know how to make me feel that way!).

*finished at home*

I just want things to be happy again. If they ever were. I seem to remember fights in Germany. But I don’t remember it being this bad. But at the same time there was no DJ then… So I feel bad wishing to go back to a time before him. I love him and would never wish he wasn’t around.

Fucking guilt sucks. I’m just so tired of feeling so alone. Everywhere almost. At work tonight. There was Brad, Joy, Jessica, Mike, Greg, and Shannon and we were all talking. Even me. But at times I’d just go back to what I was doing. I talk to them and all but I just don’t feel like I fit. Everyone knows everyone. There’s a lot of them there that have known each other a while. And soemtimes they try and include me. And sometimes they don’t. I know it’s partly my fault. Evelyn said to me earlier today that yesterday and today was the only time she really actually “talked” to me. She said I always seem so far away and distant. I don’t mean to come across like that. Am I really like that? Do I really seem so far away all the time? I’m not one to talk just to hear my own voice. I’m not one to be loud or obnoxious. But I didn’t really think I came across as distant and unaproachable either… How the hell do you change that “image” once it’s been set? Without seeming overly desperate.

I just want to be able to talk to people. There is very few people I feel comfertable enough to talk to offline. I can count them on my fingers of one hand. And all are guys. Actually I can only name 2 right now. I don’t even talk to Tara the way I used to. I miss it. We used to talk all the time on MSN. Bust she’s got Keegan and work. I know I need to meet new people around here. But how do you meet people when you never go anywhere. And the people at work all think your nice but don’t really want anything to do with them outside work…

I don’t remember having this much problems before. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Wondering if I’ve always been like this. I don’t remember having a real problem making friends. Maybe keeping them but never making them. People always said I was nice, aproachable and friendly. Now they say I’m nice once they get to know me but they just get the feeling I don’t want to be bothered. How do you change that when you don’t know how your “doing” it??… I guess I’ll just have to try. I just don’t know how.

I suppose I should stop now… No one’ll read anything this long probably…

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