I need to go back to work

I’m really not enjoying this at all. I’m bored to death. I had all these plans for things to do with this 2 weeks. I was going to check out some collages and courses. Volunteer. Meet People. Have I done any of it at all? No… ‘course not. That would be just waaay to easy. I did go see Jackie today. She’s either a Social worker or some sort of therapist. Not sure which. But she wants me to think of some interests like writting, photography, or even walking. So that I can join some groups and clubs and stuff so I can get out and meet people.

Which is all fine and dandy and whatever but you know what? My birthday is in 7 days. And I’m alone. I have Brad who is not even in the city so he’s out. And Tara H and that’s all besides my family. I want to spend my birthday with either a bunch of friends… or someone special. Ok I know where that ones going… Yes I know I’m special (yada yada yada) but I mean someone else! I just want one birthday to be special for once in my life. Not a time to be alone or to be at funeral or to be thinking about it… I want my birthday to be my day for once. I know it’s selfish but damn it it’s my fucking birthday. Why should I have to entertain myself?? I will be working my birthday so I suppose I’m not gonna be alone but I booked Saturday off to do something with someone… not that that’s gonna happen *sigh*.

Ok enough. So like the new layout? It’s all about Avril baby! Lol. I love that song. “Fall To Pieces”. Which of course I’m listening to right now. It’s the inspiration for this. I love this part:

And I don’t want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don’t want to talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don’t want to talk about it
‘Cause I’m in love with you

The chorus. It fits me so much right now. It’s exactly word for word how I feel at the moment. I had hoped I wasn’t and I would get over this but I’m not. What can I do though, other then find other things to do to “try” and keep my mind off of it. I know I said in one of my earlier entries that it wasn’t “him” I missed so much as just having someone. And it’s true to a point. But also not true. I was (and still am) in love with him. How after not really dating more then 2 or 3 times (and 2 of those were double dates) and then going out for only like 2 months? I don’t know. You tell me. I just do. I miss him terribly still. I still cry myself to sleep at night. As sad as that is. That I have to “cry” myself to sleep I do. The friends I do have are getting tired of hearing about it. My family is tired of hearing about it. And so am I. But it’s not gonna change anything. I still hurt all the same. I still wish things could have gone differently. I wish I could have been a better girlfriend. A better friend. A better person. But I wish we had of taken it slower and really took the time to do things and know each other well.

I don’t wanna talk about that anymore. It hurts to much. I’m so scared to go back to work. It’s still like a week away. But I just don’t really want to go. Yet I can’t wait at the same time. Why the mixed feelings? Well, I am scared to go back. I don’t know what people are going to say. What they know. Both about what happend but also why I was away. I hate lying even though I have a habit of letting people think something that’s not true just so I don’t have to tell them the truth and sometimes I will lie because I’m scared to tell the truth. Who doesn’t. Does it make me a bad person? Maybe… I don’t want them to know the truth. I don’t want to face the truth. It’s easier to live a lie sometimes. Well initially anyways. Till people find out, then it’s just a mess.

I’m tired of feeling the way I do. We talked about that today. She told me I need to grow up. I need to take responsibility for my actions and I need to deal with consequances. I know that but it hurts when someone else points it out. She said a lot of my problems are from my own making. That I make things a problem. For example. With friends and boyfriends. I usually either push them away and make them mad and leave. Or I cling desperatly (my last 2 relationship) and they push me away becase I smother. But I don’t know how to change it. I’m scared of loosing people. I hate loosing people. I hate it. So I push them away. Or I hold on and don’t wanna let go (can anyone say my last relationship!). I don’t know anything else…

I feel so alone. I want to have friends. I want to have someone that I love. I want to have a life.

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