it’s all in the dream…

I keep having the fucking craziest dreams. I used to get nightmares so bad and so often they literally made me paranoid about going to bed. Not so much now. Still get the odd one that makes me wake up shaking or screaming. But I’m just having weird ones now. The night before last I dreamed I was trying to get to a friend (I have no idea where he was or why I just had to get to him), and for some reason I can’t quite figure out my ex’s mother wouldn’t let me. Like where the fuck did she come from?!? And why’s she in my god damn dream? I got so made I punched her (and the wall apparently). I woke up, my heart racing and my hand extremely sore. And I was pissed! I was in a mood all day yesterday because of it. But it was a stupid fucking dream lol!

Then last night I had another one. Same friend… but for some reason he hated me. He kept telling me he hated me. He’d hug me. He’d talk to me nicely then out of the blue he’s tell me he hated me. And my mom kept telling me she hated me. And my brother (not that that’s anything new…). It really upset me. I woke up crying for christ sake. Just balling. I went back to sleep and I dreamed that everyone in the dream hated me. They all just kept telling me I was worthless and stupid and deserved to live alone for the rest of my life. Why’d it hurt so god damn bad? It was a dream for fuck sakes. But even today I feel like no one cares. My family is no different obviously. Mom’s not even here.

She’s in Truro. She took Aunt Marlene up to meet Uncle Pete. He and Justin?? (or Adam? Or Ryan or one of them… not sure which cousin is with him but I think it’s Justin) went moose hunting (ya…. no thanks!), and Aunt Marlene wanted to come to Hali for the weekend so they dropped her off here on the way. So mom took her to Truro so that Uncle Pete didn’t have to come to Hali before going back to CB. Mom asked me to go and I said no. But now I kinda wished I said yes. If it was either Adam or Ryan I would have liked to see them. I’m close to both of them. Ry more then Adam. Justin and I get along but Adam is 9 months older and Ry 10 month younger then me so the three of us grew up together. Justin’s like 18 I think.

But ya back to the dream(s). I was seriously upset by both of them. Why do my dreams have such an effect on me? I’m totally embarrassed to admit this since only 2 people (other then mom) know about it, but why not… when I was little in Hali before we moved to Germany I was about 4 or so maybe 3. And I loved Sesame Street (what 3 year old Canadian in the 80’s didn’t) but I was scared of Oscar the Grouch and his garbage can that seemed to be bottomless. Anyways, I used to have this dream so often that my mom had to move my bed into their room to get me to sleep… the dream? Well, ok here goes (please don’t laugh… it’s touchy and admittedly still scares me! But since people say I seem good at baring all in here I figure I’m gonna live up to that reputation…). So the dream. Ok so I’m asleep in my little bed in my room and the door is across from the bed. And I *wake* up (in the dream of course not in real life) and there is Oscar in his garbage can in my doorway. Not too frightening? Well… he’s on fire! And he has the most evil look on his face. And then my room starts to catch on fire and I’m tapped in my bed. Well one thing I don’t think anyone knows about me… I’m terrified of fire. Absolutely fucking terrified. I hide it well. I think. So of course I get burnt to death in the fire and I swear I still have the dream. And I still can feel the fire burning my skin. I wake up shaking, crying and absolutely terrified. I used to drive my parents crazy. They could not get me to sleep at night.

I haven’t had the dream in a while (*knocking crazily on my wooden desk!*). But I can picture it. I can taste the fear. Is that something everyone has? I mean not that exact dream. But dreams so stupidly unrealistic yet so fucking terrifying? Or is that me alone? Am I crazy? That’s a question I don’t really need an answer to lol… I think I’m just *unique*. Crazy is as crazy does… or whatever.

Anyways… enough *crazieness* for now. Gonna go find something productive, or at least time wasting, to do.

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