it’s life… and it fucking bites sometimes… sometimes I just want to fucking scream…

Sometimes I feel so alone. Right now is one of those times. I suppose the fact that I am technically alone doesn’t help any. My parents are away. I know I need to get out and do stuff with people but there just isn’t anyone right now. Matt and I probably never will be friends again (and I miss him terribly too). Brad might as well be a million miles away… other friend(s) is/are away. And I don’t have much to do with anyone at work outside of work. There just isn’t much point. There’s no one there I’m close to in any way anymore anyways. Matt was the only one anyway and I just have to *get over* that anyway.

I have things I should, actually need to do around here. I have to clean up the kithen and bathroom and my room, and put the towels in the dryer (which I just did because this reminded me… but other then the towels I still have to do the rest..). I promised my parents I’d straiten up some. I stayed up late last night. Well kinda I slept for about an hour and a half from about 12:30-2 and then woke up and couldn’t sleep so I stayed up a few more hours. I slept in till about 1pm. And I ‘ve barely left my room. It’s safe here. That and pretty much everything I need is here. By safe I don’t mean that I want to do something stupid. I just feel more at ease in my room and my thoughts don’t overwhelm me and make me feel as lonely. Don’t worry I’m not in danger of doing anything stupid or hurting myself. I’m just bored and lonely.

I’m feeling kinda overwhelmed and anxious at the moment. Nothing to major. Just tired of feeling like this and tired of being told that I have to change things myself. I fucking know that. And I am trying but when it fucking backfires on you all the time it gets annoying frustrating and really hurts. And people constantly telling you your the problem, especially when you already know it, but they just *have* to point it out anyways. People who are happy, excited all the time, and just gennerally full of themselves fucking annoy the hell out of me. I just want to scream and tell them to go fucking back where they came from and leave me the fuck alone. If you think you might be one of those people I’m talking about don’t be offended because you’d likely be surprised to find out your not. If your a close friend (or even not so close but just a friend) and your telling me that then fine. It hurts but you have every right to tell me and I’m not mad at you at all. It’s the other people. The ones that don’t know me. Don’t know it all or even a lot of it. It’s *those* people that I want to smack. And I’m talking real life not my “LJ friends”. I’m talking people like co-workers (and if your a co-worker don’t get pissed cause I mean people *like* co-workers, not necessarily my co-workers) and other people I know that aren’t friends.

Ok maybe that last paragraph was a little strong. But I’m just tired of it all. I know I’m the problem here. Believe me I know. And I am trying. Maybe not hard enough (or maybe I am trying hard enough, ever consider that?), or maybe not as hard as you all think I should be. But try being so fucking overwhelmed that sometimes you think (again thinking and feeling are not always the same, just because I think it doen’t mean I want it or plan on acting on it. I don’t!) maybe that not being here is the best idea. That just maybe you aren’t sure there is any other way around it. maybe your just doomed to fail… Do I really believe that? Hell no. But sometimes I think it. And that scares the fuck out of me.

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