life

Ever feel like your life isn’t your own? Like someone else is controlling it? Deciding your fate… And what happens to you. I know it wasn’t what was intended but that’s how I feel. I feel like my world is so small. I want more then anything to open that world up. I want to go to school. I want to make something of my life. I want more then anything to learn. I don’t know why but I just feel so stupid. I don’t mean in the way you probably think I do. I know I’m not stupid. I know I can learn. But I was never very good in school. But I loved it to a point. I loved learning. But I don’t really have an education beyond high school. Yes I took Web Design and have a diploma in it. But it’s useless and I don’t even like doing it. It was in one way the best thing I ever did and yet the worst thing.

Everyone says to me “just go back to school”. That’s much easier said then done. I have a student loan that is in collections. I have no money to go back to school. I embarrassed to admit it even. My family doesn’t talk about money. It’s “not right”. It’s fucking annoying. No one will talk to me. I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. Everything feels like it’s spiraling out of control. I feel like a complete idiot at times. I know I can do it. I just don’t know how. I know it’s one step at a time. But god dammit what steps do I take first. How do I decide what to do first. There just seems like so much. I’m so tired of it. I’m made to feel like my life is nothing. Not worth anything to anyone. Why should it mean anything to me? I’m tired of feeling like I’m second rate. And not important. I have feelings too. I know I made some bad choices. I know I messed up. But I don’t want to feel it’s all my fault that my world is so small. Even if it is or isn’t my fault. I’m trying.

I’m sorry I know this sounds like maybe it’s generated to one or two people in particular. It’s not. It is some people in specific but also some people who don’t really even know me. And really no one means to make me feel this way. So I don’t blame them. In the end I know it’s mainly my own fault. Or maybe all my own fault. I don’t want to put the blame completely on myself. I get the feeling people think I’m to hard on myself. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. I don’t know. It’s all I’ve ever known. That’s not my fault… Or is it? I don’t know… I just don’t know how to deal with it.

I really want to say more but I’m tired and hot, the humidity is killing me. And I’m just scared I’ll say something I’ll regret if I haven’t already. I kinda feel like this is useless. I’ll just make someone mad probably. It’s not my intention. And I know it wasn’t yours…

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