lost in my own words

So today was my first day going down to 75mgs. I felt kinda sick and dizzy but no headache! *knocks on wood* It was an ok day. I can’t seem to get my ass in gear though in the mornings. I just can’t drag myself out of bed before 10 if I don’t have to be up. And even sometimes when I do. I’m always really tired. I feel so run down sometimes. But at the same time I feel so good. I never seem to be bale to get anything done. I make a list of things that need to be done. It was a suggestion and a good one. The problem? I forget where I put the damn list. I have no structure at all right now in my life. I have no idea how to incorporate any. I’ve never had structure. I don’t know where to begin. I try and do to much at once and in the end nothing seems to get done. Or it does but it’s a half ass job.

I don’t get it at all… I don’t understand how I can be feeling so good. So happy. So full of joy. And I really feel that way often. Yet at the same time or just moments later I feel incredible sadness. Anger. Dissapointment. And guilt. I feel complete opposites sometimes at the same time. Other times one shortly after the other. I seem to have days that just go from wanting to cry my eyes out to feeling like the world finally makes sense. It frightens me and exhilarates me at the same time. I’m just happy that I have those feelings. Yet I’m scared of them at the same time. Not the feelings so much as the rapidness of them. How I can in an hour feel like the worlds ending and then like I’ve just won a million bucks.

I’ve held some of my feelings back here lately. And with the people close to me in my life (and others I should have but didn’t!). I’m scared to let people know what’s going on. I’m tired of the sympathy, of the ridicule. I’m slightly paranoid. Maybe for good reason? Maybe not. But I feel that people see me as “someone who’s got problems and just needs some time”. I’m tired of being told I just need time. I know that. I know things take time. I don’t really need to have that pointed out. It’s fairly obvious… I don’t want to upset anyone either though. I’m scared to tell them to back off. Or that they are hurting me. Why? Because, I feel like I’m stepping on toes. People are just trying to help. And I want the help. But it’s information overload to the utmost extent. I feel totally helpless sometimes. Yet I’m half assed happy still.

I feel like everyone sees me as “that poor girl that’s so fucked up she doesn’t know what to do with herself”. I hate it. I feel like people are just humoring me sometimes. Just to shut me up. And I feel like the ones that aren’t just really don’t know anymore what to do with me. Like they feel sorry for me. I hate that. There’s no reason to feel sorry for me. My problems are nothing compared to what some people have to go through. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier if I just shut up and stopped complaining about things. And I try. But they just keep coming out. It’s like words tumble out of my mouth and I don’t know how to stop them sometimes. They aren’t lies or anything usually. Cause they are really how I’m feeling. But no one cares or needs to know. So they think I’m doing it for attention. Maybe I am? I don’t know.

I crave love and affection. And I want to be liked. Who doesn’t? But I feel like sometimes that I don’t deserve to be cared for or liked or loved. People do care about me. They showed me that lately. My friends, my family. People on here. But sometimes you want it so bad at a specific time or point in your life (or whatever) and thats when you never seem to get it. Why do I lay in bed at night wanting to cry myself to sleep feeling so lonely when I’m not. Why does no one ever choose those times to call me. Or message me? Why do they always do it when I’m fine? To be fair it’s not anyones fault. Not their fault. How could they know? But have you ever had someone that could just sense those things? Wouldn’t it be nice? Not likely gonna happen, not reasonable or likely even possible. But you can hope right?

I think I’m gonna have to go to bed though. I keep getting lost in my thoughts. Confusing is all I can say…

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