movie and dinner

“J” came over tonight and we watched a movie and then had supper. I had a good time. It was a really good movie. And we cuddled some Not like we used to though… I miss being intimate with him. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I have such a huge huuuuuuuge crush on him. Ok it’s gone beyond that I guess. I really care about him a lot. Love maybe? I just wish he felt the same. Obviously I left him out of this little entry by using custom friends groups. And hopefully my secrets safe with you guys? It’s not like he doesn’t know.

I can’t really describe how I feel towards him. It started out as just being friends w/ benefits. But for me it progressed way beyond that. But not for him. He still sees me just as a friend and looks like he always will. It hurts so much to care about someone so much and no it’s only one sided. I hate to use the word love cause it’s so strong a word. But I was in love once before. And this is so much more to me.

Mom asked me today – after I took him home – what was going on between us. She knows how I feel. And she doesn’t want to see me hurt. She thinks he cares about me as more then a friend. But as much as I wish it was true. He’s told me so many times I can’t count them that he just wants to be friends. That there isn’t anything more between us. On one level I know that. But on another level, I just can’t get past it.

Ever feel something you think is so real? Your sure it’s there. A feeling. A gut reaction. An intuition you feel is so real and true. Only to have someone else tell you it’s not there. Your only imagining it? Well that’s how I feel with him. I really felt like there was something there. We’ve kissed. And to me. It was bliss. And I could have swore it meant something to him.

But now… I just don’t know. My gut, my heart, and my brain (as well as other people in my life, who have seen him and I together) are telling me he cares but can’t act or doesn’t want to act on it for some reason. But he swears it’s not that. That it’s just not there for him. Can I really be that wrong? Is it possible I’m that off?

Apparently so.

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