much calmer and feeling hopefull

I really seem to be speaking my mind a lot on here lately. It’s nice to have a place to say things and not worry too much what people will think or say. I just wish I had the guts to do it in “real” life. I think maybe I’m making a little progress. I’m still kind of upset about the group but I realize now that some good things came from the group thanks two a few people talking to me about it (thanks guys/gals, you know who you are! I appriciate the help). I talked a lot last night with someone about it and he made me realize that I just need to put it in context (again thanks hun, you know who you are ). Yes it was a mistake on their part to put me in the group but at least I am aware of a few things now. And I will try not to let the bad things be the only things that I see. I’ll put them aside because they don’t happen to everyone and being aware will make me less likely to repeat their mistakes right? I think so.

I did take some good things from the group. And I do plan on redoing it in September but this time I will concentrate on me. Not them. I will help as I can but then set it aside and concentrate on myself. I’m there to help myself. I have an appointment on the 5th of August with Catherine and Terry and I will talk to them about it more then. I want to see if I can see one of them rather then Jacqueline or someone else. Some of the girls agreed with me that if I’m not happy and not comfertable with Jacqueline then there is no point seeing her. Personaly I’d like to forget it all. The Therapy, the meds, the disorders and just be normal. But this is me. So I have to accept it and live with it. I don’t have to like it. But I need to accept and move on in order to get help and maybe one day get off the meds and out of therapy. I realize that there is no “normal”. That everyone has problems in one way or another. That almost everyone has at least one major episode or period in their life of depression.

But I feel like I have had way more then my fair share and I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to be reliant on medication for the rest of my life to be able to deal with the everyday things. I don’t want the “stigma” of being depressed and on anti-depressants. People look at me different when they find out. And since they will find out eventually if they become my friends I figure why hide it. If they can’t accept me for who I am then I don’t want them around. But it does limit the field somewhat. You tell a guy that hasn’t really had to deal with it much and even some who have that you are on anti-depressants and they’re like “no way! see ya”.

Not all are like that. I have to give some people credit. They try. And some understand where I am coming from. A lot more then I realized I suppose. It feels good to know that some people will not care. That they will accept you for who you are and not try and make you “better”. They may try and help you make yourself better. But they don’t “require” it. There are people out there who care. And that gives me hope. Lots of hope.

*workin till 11:30 tonight if anyone wants to chat with me and keep me company in an otherwise boring place email me at*

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