my first day back

*this was supposed to be posted in but i accidently posted it here but i’m gonna leave it. it describes pretty well how i feel. thought i couldn’t get it out but maybe i scratched the surface some*

was so uneventful. almost a let down. almost. not that i was like looking for a fight or someone to say something. but it was like “yay, your back”. kinda dissapointing lol. maybe i thought that more people would care? lol nah. it’s not that. i just expected bad and got good and for some odd reason it just was a bit of a let down and just not what i expected. is it to much for someone to notice? nah i suppose some people did. billy said hi and asked how i was and were i went. same with julie. and anne and scott. i’m not trying to sound like i’m complaining but that’s exactly what i’m doing lol.

tomorrow my 25th birthday and that’s buggin me too. cause it’s my 25th! i so want it to be special. i want it to mean something. i wanna look back on it and say “wow look what “so and so” did for me! they musta really cared”… but instead i’ll spend it at work with people who probably don’t know and if i tell them then i feel stupid and i dunno i just don’t wanna go there right now. i’m just upset, mad, pissed really. why me? why does my life have to suck so fucking much. but i’m sure i don’t need to say that… you all know what i’m going through. that what makes this nice i suppose

i should feel greatful i guess. i have a few friends, my life, my job, a roof over my head, and food. but i’m not. i just feel so alone. i trip over people all day yet i feel totally left out and uncared for. i’m there so they’ll talk to me. i’m more of a nuisance then anything probably. i feel like the worlds going on around me and i’m here but i’m not. i just exist. i’m not part of it. i’m just a piece that fits no where but is still there. something you can’t throw away but have to hold onto not because you want to but because you need to. have to. i’m not worth keeping yet if i get thrown away then maybe i might have meant something eventually and maybe someone will miss out.

i feel like the worlds passing me by. i’m there but it’s not gonna stop for me i have to try and grab hold but i just keep falling back off every time i have a half decent grip. it’s like kicking someone when they’re down… fuck the side go for the groin… hurts more.

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