my odd day

Ok so today at work went by extremely fast. I was so totally distracted and just not totally there mentally. Where was I? I don’t know. I felt totally detached. Like I was looking down on the whole thing and like it was a funny comic or something. I found the most ridiculous things funny. I’m sure the guy sitting next to me (Mike?) thought I was nuts… I’d laugh at the dumbest things and I was sitting there taking this claim for GRE (an insurance company) which is done in SYSF (which if your computer literate is a DOS based system). Mike’s sitting watching cause he’s never done GRE claims yet. And here I am entering it into ClaimCapture (which is web based and looks nothing like SYSF. There is no, absolutely NO way to mix up the two…), so poor Mike’s sitting there with this totally puzzled look on his face and I’m like “What’s wrong hun? You look confused”. Mike says “well I thought all GRE claims were done in SYSF?” Lol talk about feeling stupid! You’d have to work or have worked there or for FNS to understand the specifics but basically you can’t enter a CCE or (ClaimCapture) claim in SYSF or vice versa. The policies wont work. And besides ones DOS the other web-based.

I’ve heard about disassociation and about the “out of body experience” but I’ve never really felt anything like it other then a few *odd* dreams. But this was just totally out there. I had this vague sense that reality was going to come crashing back at any minute. And I suppose it did eventually though I cannot pinpoint when. It wasn’t like I came “crashing back to earth” as reality suddenly. I wasn’t out of it all day. Just different points off and on during the day. It was all very unreal. Like I was there in my body and observing everything. But I wasn’t in total control. Every once in a while I’d slip through for a bit but for the most part more like an observer watching someone else in control. I’m sure that sounds absolutely crazy. And if it was something that’s happened before I’d be worried but it’s never and I don’t think it’ll be something on going. Just one of those days. It’s a really indescribable feeling and totally and completely and utterly (ok I think you get it…) unsettling feeling. I mean sometimes I feel like that in general about my whole life or specific events after they happen… never during…

I look back at myself 3 years ago at this same time. In the middle of August 2002 and I would have been working at The Bay. I was still quite depressed and I was having panic attacks daily. Often 3-4 times a day. I wasn’t suicidal. I was over that. But I was definitely worse off then I am now. Looking back I can see I have come such a long way. I am really proud of myself. I never thought that it was possible to be happy. Ever. Now It’s more being happy most of the time that seems somewhat elusive but not altogether impossible. My goal is not to be one of those people that so fucking happy you want to just slap them silly. But to be happy a good majority of the time while still feeling the pain and anger at times and other emotions. But to put them aside and move on. That’s a phrase that has come up a lot in my mind (and consequently in my conversations about this with family/friends) lately. It was someone else’s (I know who though that’s not the important issue here). I need to be able to move beyond the feelings of abandonment and mistrust. The feeling of being a failure. And my overwhelming pessimism towards people in my life and life in general. It’s true… if you feel your a failure you’ll fail. If you expect people will hurt you, they’ll hurt you. Tara taught me that. It’s one of the few things I can be happy about, when I look at our brief friendship. If you expect people will always hurt you, you may (not always but oftentimes) unintentionally look for people who will do just that.

So what have I learned about myself in the last few months? (Don’t say I told you so… some are obvious to some people but may not be so obvious to others…) 1) Give people a chance. They may just surprise me. 2) If I feel unhappy people around me pick up on it and it affects the way they relate to me. And that works the other way around too. 3) If I deal with things that are bothering me rather then letting them intensify over time, then I feel much better sooner and I have less stress and things are just generally better. 4) Give myself a chance, like myself, and treat myself with respect and others will generally do the same. This is not to say that I will always do or think these things at all times I know. But realistically just realizing and acknowledging them is most of the battle right there…

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