Why is it that when you find someone your think could eventually be the right person and someone you might be able to have a long relationship with you mess it up. Or me rather. Am I the only one out there that does that? He seems like such a sweetheart. Brought me breakfast in bed. Bought shampoo for me cause he had none (doesn’t use it cause he has no hair). Says he’s gonna get me something I’ll really like for my birthday. No other guy has cared enough to even give me a card before never mind plan my present out ahead of time.
So I go and call to often and make him mad and text him to much and cost him to much money. I’m sure it’s more than that but don’t I at least deserve some sort of explanation face to face? Why do people always take the easy way out. A quick e-mail or phone call saying see ya later. I really wish we had just stayed friends for a bit longer and maybe it might have worked out. But why go into the might haves and should haves. I fucked up. No other way around it. But this time I really hurt someone that matters to me a lot.
I can’t describe how he made me feel and how I felt (feel) about him. I cared about him a lot. Was I in love? I don’t know, I wouldn’t know love if it bit me on the ass. I don’t understand why I have a loving mother and father and brother (well he loves me some of the time) and family and yet I always feel so abandoned and lonely. Doesn’t there love count? It hurts and makes me feel guilty that I want more. That I want someone who doesn’t have to love me, to love me for once in my life. I am tired of people just walking out of my life like I’m a piece of garbage then can throw away without a thought. I think this time is different. I think he thought. I think he’s thinking. But I guess I hurt him beyond repair. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I could go back in time and start over. [...]