Errg whatever!

Anyone know where I can download the english dictionary in a .dic file? Preferably for free? Or shareware or I dunno… just not too much money. I’m getting broke. My bank account is dwindling fast. I know I’ll be back to work soon but I’m to stupid to sit down and figure out if the 2 weeks are on the same paycheque etc. So that I know what I’m dealing with. I just don’t have the kind of mind that’s capable of sitting down and figuring that out. That would mean I’d need to know the pay period etc. And it’s all at work and I don’t wanna show my face there any sooner then I need to right now.

I looked up the little booklet that goes around Hali and Dartmouth every fall that has all the courses and activities for the year at the rec centers and sportsplex etc. I found a few things I’d be interested in. There was Badminton, Volleyball, Swimming, and some Art courses (specifically drawing and sketching) that I’d be interested in. One problem. Work hours will allways mess it up no matter what shifts I take for those days. And I can’t just book the day off every week. Especially certain days of the week. I already have another group the Jacqueline wants me to go to that is open ended (meaning you can go as many times as you want rather then having to be there for the whole thing, but you need to bee there for the whole time alotted for the day) and it’s again Mondays. There is no way work is going to go for it.

I told her that. She was like “well that’s your choice, just think which is more important”. Ahhh… Hello? WTF do you think? My job… She’s allways hounding me about responsibility, so yeah ok I can see it now… loose my job and go to group and live at home for life cause I have no money. Or keep my job and go to a group 2 months later on a different day a day work wont have a problem with. What the hell do you think I’m gonna do. Keep my fucking job that’s what. Umm… yeah sorry. I’m a little pissed right now can’t ya tell…

So anyways, I’m gonna go soon to the NSCC and NSCAD sites (got no excuse now… have the links right here!) to look at the fall programs and hopefully it’s not to late though I think it probably is. But I’ll look and see anyways. I want to either take photography and/or some sort of digital art course(s) or maybe something else. Some sort of writting maybe? How the heck do I choose? I suppose photography is my primary choice right now. I’ll go from there.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. And for once it wasn’t because of everything that’s happend to me over the last few weeks. It was pain. Like really bad physical pain. I felt like every joint on the right side of my body was totally on fire. Except my right ankle didn’t hurt as bad. And my left ankle hurt like hell and my left elbow too. Now with Rheumetoid Arthritis which is what I’m supposed to have or is what they are still trying to find out but have started treatment for, it’s usually bilateral meaning both wrists, both ankles, both elbows, etc. Not the right or the left side. So I’m a little confused. I don’t get it. But I have a fever all night I could feel it. It was hot so sweating was in(un?)avoidable but I was like really really sweating (had to change twice I was soaked and I took a cool shower at 2:30 am cause I felt like I was totally on fire all over) and I was alternatively hot and cold. The cold was more when I got soaked and the breeze went by then I’d shiver. Brrr… what a night. I fell asleep about 4:30 or 5 and woke up about 2pm! Not good… I know.

But I just don’t know anymore how to deal with both the physical and mental pain. Especially at the same time! I just can’t do it anymore. I need to go get the last set of bloodwork done anyways so I might as well make a doctors appointment again and bug her about it again. I’m starting to wonder though. I’ve been told for so long it’s all in my head. The physical pain that is. The mental well that’s obvious. But the physical pain in highschool the coach would tell me it was just an excuse that I just didn’t want to participate. But comeone people! I went from elementry and junior high being one of the best soccor players and volley ball players in my area to hating to play it cause it hurt my hip or my ankle. There’s obviously something wrong it’s not in my head and I really hate it when people say it is. I punched a coach in the face in grade 10 when she said I was lazy and didn’t want to particiapte in volleyball. Fuck I loved volleyball! It is/was my favorite sport to play. Though now I’m to out of shape and have gained to much weight from various medications and eating to much and whatever. Maybe now it’s a little bit of laziness but then there was no way. I’d do gymnastics till I was doubled over screaming in pain and I only stopped cause I was told they’d cary me away if I didn’t leave on my own.

I guess I should go for now. Rantings not helping it’s just making me madder…

Added @ 5:02pm:
I called NSCC about webdesign. I looked at the stuff available for the fall and well it’s all there really seems to be art related. And I guess I already have a background there right.. I can use photoshop with both hands tied behind my back and blindfolded (ok well not really but it sounds good lol). And I know HTML really well. So if I have to take the first course level 1 (basica html and webdesign) then I should sail through since I did it once already through a different school. I’m waiting for a call back to find out if what I ddi can be substituted for their first level. Cause according to the course description what I did was the same as level 1 and Photoshop level 1 + more. So if I don’t have to take those two then to get the certificate then I just have to take levels 2-4 and (at least) 1 elective. That would be 4 courses rather then 6. Would cut my time down a lot. It’s a 2 year program so it should be like a good what 4 or 6 months? Good thing it aint math lol. There I’d have just failed…

I need to go back to work

I’m really not enjoying this at all. I’m bored to death. I had all these plans for things to do with this 2 weeks. I was going to check out some collages and courses. Volunteer. Meet People. Have I done any of it at all? No… ‘course not. That would be just waaay to easy. I did go see Jackie today. She’s either a Social worker or some sort of therapist. Not sure which. But she wants me to think of some interests like writting, photography, or even walking. So that I can join some groups and clubs and stuff so I can get out and meet people.

Which is all fine and dandy and whatever but you know what? My birthday is in 7 days. And I’m alone. I have Brad who is not even in the city so he’s out. And Tara H and that’s all besides my family. I want to spend my birthday with either a bunch of friends… or someone special. Ok I know where that ones going… Yes I know I’m special (yada yada yada) but I mean someone else! I just want one birthday to be special for once in my life. Not a time to be alone or to be at funeral or to be thinking about it… I want my birthday to be my day for once. I know it’s selfish but damn it it’s my fucking birthday. Why should I have to entertain myself?? I will be working my birthday so I suppose I’m not gonna be alone but I booked Saturday off to do something with someone… not that that’s gonna happen *sigh*.

Ok enough. So like the new layout? It’s all about Avril baby! Lol. I love that song. “Fall To Pieces”. Which of course I’m listening to right now. It’s the inspiration for this. I love this part:

And I don’t want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don’t want to talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don’t want to talk about it
‘Cause I’m in love with you

The chorus. It fits me so much right now. It’s exactly word for word how I feel at the moment. I had hoped I wasn’t and I would get over this but I’m not. What can I do though, other then find other things to do to “try” and keep my mind off of it. I know I said in one of my earlier entries that it wasn’t “him” I missed so much as just having someone. And it’s true to a point. But also not true. I was (and still am) in love with him. How after not really dating more then 2 or 3 times (and 2 of those were double dates) and then going out for only like 2 months? I don’t know. You tell me. I just do. I miss him terribly still. I still cry myself to sleep at night. As sad as that is. That I have to “cry” myself to sleep I do. The friends I do have are getting tired of hearing about it. My family is tired of hearing about it. And so am I. But it’s not gonna change anything. I still hurt all the same. I still wish things could have gone differently. I wish I could have been a better girlfriend. A better friend. A better person. But I wish we had of taken it slower and really took the time to do things and know each other well.

I don’t wanna talk about that anymore. It hurts to much. I’m so scared to go back to work. It’s still like a week away. But I just don’t really want to go. Yet I can’t wait at the same time. Why the mixed feelings? Well, I am scared to go back. I don’t know what people are going to say. What they know. Both about what happend but also why I was away. I hate lying even though I have a habit of letting people think something that’s not true just so I don’t have to tell them the truth and sometimes I will lie because I’m scared to tell the truth. Who doesn’t. Does it make me a bad person? Maybe… I don’t want them to know the truth. I don’t want to face the truth. It’s easier to live a lie sometimes. Well initially anyways. Till people find out, then it’s just a mess.

I’m tired of feeling the way I do. We talked about that today. She told me I need to grow up. I need to take responsibility for my actions and I need to deal with consequances. I know that but it hurts when someone else points it out. She said a lot of my problems are from my own making. That I make things a problem. For example. With friends and boyfriends. I usually either push them away and make them mad and leave. Or I cling desperatly (my last 2 relationship) and they push me away becase I smother. But I don’t know how to change it. I’m scared of loosing people. I hate loosing people. I hate it. So I push them away. Or I hold on and don’t wanna let go (can anyone say my last relationship!). I don’t know anything else…

I feel so alone. I want to have friends. I want to have someone that I love. I want to have a life.