I need to go back to work

I’m really not enjoying this at all. I’m bored to death. I had all these plans for things to do with this 2 weeks. I was going to check out some collages and courses. Volunteer. Meet People. Have I done any of it at all? No… ‘course not. That would be just waaay to easy. I did go see Jackie today. She’s either a Social worker or some sort of therapist. Not sure which. But she wants me to think of some interests like writting, photography, or even walking. So that I can join some groups and clubs and stuff so I can get out and meet people.

Which is all fine and dandy and whatever but you know what? My birthday is in 7 days. And I’m alone. I have Brad who is not even in the city so he’s out. And Tara H and that’s all besides my family. I want to spend my birthday with either a bunch of friends… or someone special. Ok I know where that ones going… Yes I know I’m special (yada yada yada) but I mean someone else! I just want one birthday to be special for once in my life. Not a time to be alone or to be at funeral or to be thinking about it… I want my birthday to be my day for once. I know it’s selfish but damn it it’s my fucking birthday. Why should I have to entertain myself?? I will be working my birthday so I suppose I’m not gonna be alone but I booked Saturday off to do something with someone… not that that’s gonna happen *sigh*.

Ok enough. So like the new layout? It’s all about Avril baby! Lol. I love that song. “Fall To Pieces”. Which of course I’m listening to right now. It’s the inspiration for this. I love this part:

And I don’t want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don’t want to talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don’t want to talk about it
‘Cause I’m in love with you

The chorus. It fits me so much right now. It’s exactly word for word how I feel at the moment. I had hoped I wasn’t and I would get over this but I’m not. What can I do though, other then find other things to do to “try” and keep my mind off of it. I know I said in one of my earlier entries that it wasn’t “him” I missed so much as just having someone. And it’s true to a point. But also not true. I was (and still am) in love with him. How after not really dating more then 2 or 3 times (and 2 of those were double dates) and then going out for only like 2 months? I don’t know. You tell me. I just do. I miss him terribly still. I still cry myself to sleep at night. As sad as that is. That I have to “cry” myself to sleep I do. The friends I do have are getting tired of hearing about it. My family is tired of hearing about it. And so am I. But it’s not gonna change anything. I still hurt all the same. I still wish things could have gone differently. I wish I could have been a better girlfriend. A better friend. A better person. But I wish we had of taken it slower and really took the time to do things and know each other well.

I don’t wanna talk about that anymore. It hurts to much. I’m so scared to go back to work. It’s still like a week away. But I just don’t really want to go. Yet I can’t wait at the same time. Why the mixed feelings? Well, I am scared to go back. I don’t know what people are going to say. What they know. Both about what happend but also why I was away. I hate lying even though I have a habit of letting people think something that’s not true just so I don’t have to tell them the truth and sometimes I will lie because I’m scared to tell the truth. Who doesn’t. Does it make me a bad person? Maybe… I don’t want them to know the truth. I don’t want to face the truth. It’s easier to live a lie sometimes. Well initially anyways. Till people find out, then it’s just a mess.

I’m tired of feeling the way I do. We talked about that today. She told me I need to grow up. I need to take responsibility for my actions and I need to deal with consequances. I know that but it hurts when someone else points it out. She said a lot of my problems are from my own making. That I make things a problem. For example. With friends and boyfriends. I usually either push them away and make them mad and leave. Or I cling desperatly (my last 2 relationship) and they push me away becase I smother. But I don’t know how to change it. I’m scared of loosing people. I hate loosing people. I hate it. So I push them away. Or I hold on and don’t wanna let go (can anyone say my last relationship!). I don’t know anything else…

I feel so alone. I want to have friends. I want to have someone that I love. I want to have a life.

Group and stuff

Went to group again tonight. It went ok. Could have been better, could have been worse. Made me realize something though. I don’t miss Percey so much per-se as just someone. I just want a guy that cares about me. I’m not sure that’s a good or bad thing now. I do miss him. But since he wants nothing to do with me it’s time to move on. I have no idea how to meet people my age here… especially guys. Other then people I work with and I don’t wanna go there. Work relationships can get really nasty sometimes. I have no idea how to make friends. I’ve never been really good at it. And once I do. Well they usually go the same way as the one with Tara seems to have gone. Maybe not for the same reason. But she’s right I do push people away. And it’s because I have no idea how to interact with people my own age.

I mean I got really close to Mark over the summer a few summers ago and then I just never kept up. And the same with Matt. Well I guess him and I just kinda stopped talking cause his girlfriend and I got in a fight. She was my ex room-mate. But I keep putting myself in the oddest situations with people. Living with a close guy friends girl friend who I didn’t like to begin with and who didn’t really like me and was jealous of our friendship. Or going out with a guy after one movie and a loooooooooong talk on his couch (nothing more then talking!) and he was a close friend of a friends boyfriend and they put us together. I guess being set ups not so good sometimes either.

I just feel so damn alone right now. I’d give anything to have the 3 of them back. Even though her boyfriend was more of a “boyfriend” of a friend. It was still nice doing things with people outside work. Now what happens when I go back to work? Hopefully she’ll keep it to herself because if not than I’m really going to have a bitch of a time there. It was starting to be awkward enough as it is. Actually not the last month or so wasn’t too to bad it wasn’t till 2 weeks ago that I just “broke” and had to take the leave that Bethany suggested earlier. Physically and mentally I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do. I have people around me constantly and can never get any time alone and yet I feel so so alone. Why is that?

Why do I feel abandoned. And left out. And socially inept. Because I guess I am. The last two anyways. I don’t know about abandoned. I’ve been “technically” abandoned by people a few times in my life. And I’ve been abandoned from people by death. And it’s still abandonment, not matter how you look at it they usually leave with no time to say goodbye. Even if they didn’t do it purposely, they made me realize that tonight that the sting of abandonment is still there regardless and it still hurts. Maybe that’s what hurt most with Percey. Not that he left. But how he left. No notice. No goodbye.

No matter what I long to belong and I feel like I never do and never will. W al long to belong I guess right? It’s human nature and such. But why is it that some of us are just destined to never ever belong no matter how hard we try. We’re some sort of cast outs that the world just doesn’t seem to know what to do with. We are shattered souls that long to just belong and fit in and to be like other people who seem to have no problem fitting in.

I miss it. I miss having friends that understand me. Friends that care about me. Friends that love me. I know I have some. Don’t get me wrong there. But I want to have ones that are close by and that I can do things with a few times a week instead of a few times a year. People that care about me and love me for who I am. Not who they think they can make me be.

Added @ 10:33pm:

Oh I am going back to work on July 5th! Or did I mention that in my earlier post today? Probably. My minds a sive(sp?). I’m semi-excited and semi-terrified do to the above reason and others. I’m feeling much more anxious since I went on Remeron. I don’t know if that’s normal or not. I think I’ll be ok. Just have to remember to breathe lol. I know there is/was more I wanted to say but as soon as I went to type it it’s gone… figures.

Added @ 10:37pm:

Oh lol I know what it was! I mentioned to someone at group today about journaling and she said I should think about publishing my stuff. It’s something to think about. She said she could tell I was a writer by some of the things I said in class and some of the things I’d written (she works for a publisher) and she said I she give it a good thought. I think it would be kinda neat but at the same time my journals are so private and personal too me. I know this one isn’t very long/old but it’s definitely not my first. I have tons of old hand written ones and I have about 4 years worth of blogging on my domains. I showed her the poem below and she loved it. I told her it was way to personal and I don’t think it’s very good. I mean it’s like only the 3rd one I’ve even written. I do love to write though. It’s so soothing and freeing.

Also we were talking about career choices and I said I wanted to take some photography courses so I think I am going to look into some creative writing and/or photography or other art related/writing related courses at some of the collages. I don’t have the money and probably couldn’t get a loan to go back to school full-time but I can start with a course and see where it goes from there. I really need something besides work to occupy some of my time.