So after yesterdays post I’m gonna have a hard time topping that one I think. Not much point in trying. I’m still feeling really lost. Why is it that you can hate your days off so much yet look forwards to them? I get so bored and so when I’m bored I sleep. When I sleep I feel guilty. Like I’m sleeping away time I’ll never get back. Make any sense? To me it does… Guess that’s all that matters.
I just replied to someone else’s JL to a comment I made and they replied to. Talking about depression, anxiety, etc. I described being on medications as this “I hate the feeling the meds give me. Like my life’s not my own. Like I’m being controlled and am a bystander in my own body.” And it suddenly occurred to me that that is what I’ve been trying to say for almost 5 years. No one believed me. They tell me I’m the one in control. I’m not. Not on these meds. In the last 5 years. I have literally sat back and listened to things coming out of my mouth and as I’m saying it my brain is going “Whoa, what the fuck. That’s so totally not true. Or that’s not right” Etc. I’m not trying to make excuses for things I’ve said or done. I’m just saying that I think that maybe this is affecting me in ways that never happened before.
Anyone ever tell a lie… and as your saying it your saying to yourself “what the fuck are you doing?” and yet. You can’t stop yourself? Well imagine that day to day… I’m not saying everything I say is a lie. I’m a very conscientious (I’m not sure that’s the right word but it’s the best I could come up with) person. Eventually it’ll get the better of me and I’ll tell the truth. I can’t lie and leave it at that. It plagues my conscience and I’ll feel guilty about it and then I start feeling guilty about every little thing till I tell the person the truth. I’m not just talking about lies either. Sometimes it’s just simply being rude, abrupt or saying whatever is on my mind before I’ve had a chance to think it through (for example though not limited too… saying “I love you” to someone you love but know is not ready to hear it…).
At work I find myself saying things I shouldn’t or don’t mean. Then I feel so guilty. And unlike my close friends I can’t tell them the truth. And admit I lied. Once is one thing but all the time? Like I said it’s not just lies. I don’t want friends thinking I lie to them all the time. I don’t. I just have a habit of embellishing or going overboard. Even when it’s totally true. Sometimes it just is to much and shouldn’t have been said. I have a hard time keeping my own secrets. If someone else tells me something they don’t want told to anyone I’ll carry it to the grave. But if it’s something I think no one should know about me. I can’t keep it to myself. Why can I keep someone else’s secrets but not my own? I suppose some of you would say keeping secrets from friends and family is not good. But what good is it to tell someone something that will hurt them if there is no use, no point, and all it does is make them feel bad or them feel bad for you. I just don’t see the point. Everyone has things they just need to keep to themselves because they are to painful.
I on the other hand have a habit of telling people before I know if I can trust them. And next thing I know everyone knows. It’s happened so much in the past. I regret telling someone at work something cause she told everyone. Now everyone walks around me “on eggshells” like I’ll break if they touch me. People look at me with horror and sympathy in their eyes. It bothers me. It’s not why I told her. I told her because I wanted her to understand I wasn’t going to hurt her friend (that she set me up with). She said he had been hurt badly once before by an ex. So I thought telling her would ease her mind. It did while it suited her. Then when her friend and I broke up. To get even she told a pile of people at work (or rather one person she knew would blab and that person started telling everyone. Why I tell her? I was trying to help her. And it backfired on me. Since then I’ve told two people. One I think would take it to the grave with him, I’m 100% sure I can trust him. The other has permission to use it without using my name for a specific reason.
I know I seem like I have a lot on my mind. Maybe I seem depressed. I’m not. At least not that I’m aware of. Simply thoughtful. Even more curious as to why I do it. I’m trying to learn from my mistakes. But sometimes it seems I make the same damn ones over and over again. Like I’m purposely punishing myself. I’m not trying to. I don’t think. Maybe I am. I have no idea. I know I don’t deserve to do this to myself. But sometimes I just have no idea how to stop. I have no idea how to take care of myself. I can’t expect anyone else to love and care for me when I have such a hard time loving, caring and respecting myself. It’s taken a lot of thought and self-realization for me to come to that and admit it. But I’m not gonna dwell once it’s said. Or I’m going to try not to anyways. I just need to get it out in the open and said “so-to-speak”…