Well if nothing else it seems I still have my job. Bethany called to make sure I have my schedule for my first week back. I work tuesday to friday 9:30-7. But really what good is my job when I’ve lost just about everything else. I pretty much have only 2 friends and one doesn’t even live here so he only counts online and the off chance I get to see him. But at least he’ll always be here for me that’s one thing about Brad no matter what happens he has been here through everything and I never really gave him the credit for that. He’s been here from me since I was 16 and him 17, in grade 11. Probably the longest running friend I’ve ever had. That I’m still in contact with.
Then there is Tara H and no matter what she’ll always be here for me too. She’s my best online friend. We’ve met once just recently so hopefuly it’ll become a real life friendship too. You guys mean the world to me I hope you both know that. Everyone else in my life other then my mom, dad, brother and aunt just come and go. None care enough to stick around long. I’m just to much for them I guess. My Nan was there for me and my Gramp before they died and I miss them like hell. And I miss my friends that passed before thier time. They may have been friends that would have lasted but we’ll never know will we? Why do kids have to die? Doesn’t He relize how much it hurts those of us left behind? Then again why does anyone need to die. Ya, I know… no need to tell me. I get it.
Last night I was feeling so much better. Instead of being hurt, heart-broken, and crushed I just felt mad and annoyed. Now thinking about it all again I feel hurt again. You know what? Not all of this was my fault. Yes I could have handled it better but I didn’t and I can’t go back and change it so why should I continue to pay for my mistakes. I’m sure he doesn’t care one bit. I’m sure she doesn’t care. They have other people. I have no one. I don’t wanna say that I do have a few people. But it’s just not the same. I want more. I want my life back.
Everyone else gets to go on. I am always left behind picking up the shattered pieces of my broken life and trying my best to fit them back together and each time a few little pieces just don’t make it back. And eventually there isn’t going to be anything left to put back and then what? Then what…
I just want to have a normal life. Be a normal person and do normal things… is that to much to ask?