exhausted and drained

Staying up later last night, till 1:30 or so… killed me. I don’t really know why. It’s not like I haven’t done it before. Doesn’t usually exhaust me quite so much. I had similar day today to yesterday only I felt more “with it” then yesterday. Didn’t wander quite as much as I did yesterday. Definitely not all there though. No comments please! Well no nasty ones anyway I still had the vague feeling that nothing was real and I’d “wake” up sooner or later. Is it just stress? Or anxiety maybe? I’ve been having more pains in my chest again but only at work. I am thinking it’s work related anxiety. I don’t know why all of a sudden I dread work. I used to love it. Now I only want to be there because it beats being at home board and it’s money. What happened to make a job I enjoyed become such a sore spot in my life? Why am I so anxious and stressed out.

My Mom spoke to her cousin Patti today and my Aunt Marge isn’t doing well at all. She’s got Alzheimer’s for starters. And she’s in her mid to late 70’s. I don’t remember her exact age but I think she’s younger then my Nan by a few years and Nan was 72 when she died 3 years ago (or 5? It’s sad but I can’t remember anything anymore…). So she’d be about mid 70’s?… Anyways she had a stroke a few days ago and they hospitalized her and she’s just getting worse. She has pneumonia now and her kidneys are failing. They don’t expect her to like more then a few weeks at most. It’s so hard. She moved in with Nan just before Nan died and I got to “know” her again. It’s like loosing my Nan all over again. I don’t know if I can take it and I really don’t think Mom can. She’s not doing to good and wont admit it. I’m worried about her. Even though we fight a lot. Now I’m feeling so guilty for yesterday. I swear guilt can eat you alive!

So I am off Friday and my family had plans to camp at Fall’s Lake. And they wanted me to come. I work Saturday and am off Sunday but I’ve done the drive often when we camp or stay in the cabins at the lake. But now they aren’t going because Dad booked the weekend off and they gave it too him but have him working really late the night that Mom wants to go. So she’s pissed cause Dad wont say no to them. He’s mad because she expects him to. Just another fucking lovely day in my house. Denton’s mad because he wants to go and mom said no. So everyone is bitchy, miserable and ready to jump down anyone’s throat. It’s more tense then it’s been in a while. I sometimes wish my family would just act like a normal family. I wish I was a normal 25 year old and lived on my own. I wish I’d stop wishing and do something about it… [...]  READ MORE

my odd day

Ok so today at work went by extremely fast. I was so totally distracted and just not totally there mentally. Where was I? I don’t know. I felt totally detached. Like I was looking down on the whole thing and like it was a funny comic or something. I found the most ridiculous things funny. I’m sure the guy sitting next to me (Mike?) thought I was nuts… I’d laugh at the dumbest things and I was sitting there taking this claim for GRE (an insurance company) which is done in SYSF (which if your computer literate is a DOS based system). Mike’s sitting watching cause he’s never done GRE claims yet. And here I am entering it into ClaimCapture (which is web based and looks nothing like SYSF. There is no, absolutely NO way to mix up the two…), so poor Mike’s sitting there with this totally puzzled look on his face and I’m like “What’s wrong hun? You look confused”. Mike says “well I thought all GRE claims were done in SYSF?” Lol talk about feeling stupid! You’d have to work or have worked there or for FNS to understand the specifics but basically you can’t enter a CCE or (ClaimCapture) claim in SYSF or vice versa. The policies wont work. And besides ones DOS the other web-based.

I’ve heard about disassociation and about the “out of body experience” but I’ve never really felt anything like it other then a few *odd* dreams. But this was just totally out there. I had this vague sense that reality was going to come crashing back at any minute. And I suppose it did eventually though I cannot pinpoint when. It wasn’t like I came “crashing back to earth” as reality suddenly. I wasn’t out of it all day. Just different points off and on during the day. It was all very unreal. Like I was there in my body and observing everything. But I wasn’t in total control. Every once in a while I’d slip through for a bit but for the most part more like an observer watching someone else in control. I’m sure that sounds absolutely crazy. And if it was something that’s happened before I’d be worried but it’s never and I don’t think it’ll be something on going. Just one of those days. It’s a really indescribable feeling and totally and completely and utterly (ok I think you get it…) unsettling feeling. I mean sometimes I feel like that in general about my whole life or specific events after they happen… never during…

I look back at myself 3 years ago at this same time. In the middle of August 2002 and I would have been working at The Bay. I was still quite depressed and I was having panic attacks daily. Often 3-4 times a day. I wasn’t suicidal. I was over that. But I was definitely worse off then I am now. Looking back I can see I have come such a long way. I am really proud of myself. I never thought that it was possible to be happy. Ever. Now It’s more being happy most of the time that seems somewhat elusive but not altogether impossible. My goal is not to be one of those people that so fucking happy you want to just slap them silly. But to be happy a good majority of the time while still feeling the pain and anger at times and other emotions. But to put them aside and move on. That’s a phrase that has come up a lot in my mind (and consequently in my conversations about this with family/friends) lately. It was someone else’s (I know who though that’s not the important issue here). I need to be able to move beyond the feelings of abandonment and mistrust. The feeling of being a failure. And my overwhelming pessimism towards people in my life and life in general. It’s true… if you feel your a failure you’ll fail. If you expect people will hurt you, they’ll hurt you. Tara taught me that. It’s one of the few things I can be happy about, when I look at our brief friendship. If you expect people will always hurt you, you may (not always but oftentimes) unintentionally look for people who will do just that. [...]  READ MORE

back to work

I don’t know why I stress over the little things! I started and did just fine today. Some people were actually glad to see me! Lol, I don’t know why I was worried at all. I just panic for no reason at all. It’s stupid really. But it’s just habit. I get all uptight, and stressed the night before something major (or even something not so major but just that might feel major). It’s just the way my mind works. I used to hypervenitalate.

But it was a pretty uneventful day. No really bad calls. Just the same old, same old. Which gets annoying after a while. At least they didn’t sit anyone new with me. Probably so I could get myself back on track I guess. I still have to tell Bethany about the panic attacks and the other stuff. Just putting it of. Never had one there. Maybe I never will…

Right now I’m talking to queen_of_lies on MSN. And l listening to Eminem’s Mockingbird. I have so much running through my mind and so much I want to say. But I just don’t know where to begin. It’s like there is so much turmoil that I just can’t seem to break through. I can’t put nothing into words. There just stuck there in my head… waiting for another day maybe? [...]