Mental Illness & Me

This is always a tough topic for most people to talk about and I am no exception. I really wish I had some of my posts from my blogs from the worst phase, depression wise in my life. They would really provide me with some insight I think into the way my mind works sometimes and maybe some insight for other people in my life to see where I was then and where I am now. I don’t want to say that it is all a thing of the past for me, because it is not. I still and always will suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder. It’s not something I think that will ever 100% fully will go away for me.

However, that being said I think I am at one of the best points I have ever been in my life in regards to mental illness and me. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get depressed and have bad thoughts. Not talking suicidal, I have not had those in many many years. I do still sometimes think very negatively about some things that have happened to me past or present. Much like anyone would I guess. I don’t want to say I suffer from PSD because I don’t but sometimes I do have a little bit of stress from past traumas or past life experiences that have affected me. I’m not really going to get into detail about them right now. I’m not sure if there is posts about them on this blog or not but feel free to dig if you want to know. I can’t honestly remember what’s there.

I still have days where I do not want to get out of bed or that I feel things are hopeless or that it will never go away. But I think my depression has changed and evolved a little bit. Now it is more situational. I get depressed or anxious more when I think about certain things then just always feeling depressed or anxious. I think also now that I am married, I have someone to share it with that I feel 100% comfortable sharing with and who feels for me in a way no one ever has. Someone that gets me in a way no one ever has and that helps. Someone who experiences my highs and lows and just rolls with it and works with me to help me learn how to deal with my emotions. If you have someone supportive in your life it helps. I only wish everyone could have some but realize that sometimes some people aren’t so lucky.

If I am having a problem at work or at home I still dwell on it more then is healthy. I over analyze and get frustrated and angry very easy. More them most people? Well, who am I to say. Everyone is different. Even situations in my own life though seeming similar to past situations may not be the same from one time to the next. And I also worry so much about things that are beyond my control. Before my depression was a constant in my life that I could always depend on to be there. It was something familiar that I just took for granted would always be there.

Then I had a few years where it was almost non-existent. I even thought I was cured and no longer needed medication. I am now resigned to the fact that even though I am not on and do not need medication at the present that I may in fact need it in the future at some point. I also realize fully that I may not and that there are so many factors that go into it that it is impossible to predict and that if I do need to go back on medication for my depression, anxiety or panic attacks at some point down the road that it is not a failure but in fact the exact opposite. It is a win. Why? Well because to me failing to notice and/or denying there is an issue, that would be more of a failure then recognizing I need help. It’s okay to need help, but it is imperative to ask for it and not to just wait for it to be offered.

April Recap

I want to start posting doing a post each month about my goals for the following month and pick 3 goals that I would like to achieve for the coming month. I would also like to do a post as well at the end of the month of a monthly recap of 3 things that have happened in my life over the last month. I have created a category for each.

Here is a recap of what happened in April.

  1. Going back to work  – So I started off April on Short Term Disability after having my wisdom teeth removed at the end of March and getting a dry socket. I started back to work half way through April on the 15th. My return was uneventful other then the fact that I didn’t get paid for a week because someone at work didn’t get me changed from unpaid STD to paid STD after my claim was approved on time. I was supposed to get paid the extra week this past Thursday and didn’t. I called HR and they advised I would get it on my next pay on May 10th but I have rent to pay and bills coming out automatically. After talking to them they advanced me 60% of what they owed me on May 10th on Friday and I will get the other 40% on May 10th. At least we were able to pay everything on time and are not behind on anything but it still kinda sucked and required borrowing a little from my mom to make that happen. So now we have to pay her back
  2. Edward broke a tooth – So my husband somehow broke a tooth a week ago or so on a plastic bottle (like a pop bottle). No idea how really. He says he just hit it off the top of the bottle when taking a sip. He ended up going a week with a broken tooth. Luckily for him it didn’t hurt at all and no bleeding. It also didn’t end up costing much to fix surprisingly. Yay for 90% dental coverage! He ended up getting it fixed a few days ago and you can not even tell he did it. He also got a few cavities filled while they were at it.
  3.  I started taking the bus to work – Yep. I did. Nothing wrong with the car. It’s just to expensive to park downtown. I think I mentioned this in a post but to me its a big thing. I have anxiety and have panic attacks from time to time and buses have always been a place I have been very uneasy. I do not like crowds and I am also claustrophobic and when the bus is full (which thankfully it hasn’t been too bad due to the time I go to and from work) it makes me really uneasy. I have had panic attacks on the bus before and was of the main reasons I first got a car because I was so uneasy and felt trapped. For me taking the bus is a big step in overcoming all that. I have been medication free for years (well as far as my depression & anxiety, obviously I’m on insulin) and I was concerned I might not be able to handle it and was scared it might trigger bad memories but I am actually quite enjoying it really.

How about you, anything interesting happen this month?

Trapped under ice

Ever wonder what you are doing on the earth? Like, what your purpose in life is? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel so much like something is missing. Like I am not living up to my full potential and that there is something more that I need to do.

I can’t help but wonder what it is. Does everyone think like this? Am I the only one? Sometimes I feel like I just have so many questions. I have been thinking a lot about people in my life that are no longer in my life. I don’t mean ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, or people I have known briefly. I mean my friends and family who have lived and died.

I don’t know why I am thinking about death all of a sudden. I just wonder why some people live long lives but don’t really seem to affect anyone other then their close friends and family and why others are taken from us too suddenly. Why were their lives cut short? Did they reach their purpose? Is that why they are gone?

Then I wonder about myself. I feel like I have some further purpose that I have yet to figure out and it stumps me. I can’t help but feel that I was meant for more then just working in a call center for the rest of my life.

I can not get up the courage to go to the bank though and ask about a student loan to go back to school. I am so scared of being rejected. My history with the subject of money and loans has not been that great.

I got a loan to go to go back to school a few years after graduating high school and I was never able to pay it back, part of the reason I declared bankruptcy a few years ago. I had other dept as well. I had a car that I had a year before getting into a bad accident, getting hurt and totaling the car. I was left with thousands of dollars on a car loan that I no longer even had the car. My insurance did not cover it all.

I took web design and internet publishing sometime around 2001 or 2002. I finished it but really had very little interest in pursuing it as a career at the time, still don’t. I enjoy blogging but I hate trying to put something together for someone else. I just don’t feel like that was what I was meant to do either.

I did it, took the course that is, because my parents pushed me to do something. I was at home, I was suffering really bad from anxiety and depression and they wanted me to have something to occupy my mind, to give me something to do. So I decided to go into web design because at the time I enjoyed it. That got old fast though and I just did not enjoy it the way I thought I would. 

Now years later I am questioning everything I have ever done. I have never held a job that I really love. Even the one I am in now. I enjoy it, and it is close to what I want but not fully. It just does not feel like it’s what I want to do for ever either.

Thinking about friends and family members who have lost their lives early it makes be uncomfortable thinking that I am just wasting time. Time that it seems I have so little of in the great scheme of things. Everyone is allotted time and it seems like most don’t know how much time they have. How could you really? Maybe some do, who knows…

All I know is I feel like I should be moving towards something else. I want so bad to have kids and to work with kids. The more and more I think about it, the more I feel that like my parents one of my “callings” is to take in and love and teach and be a parent to a child who may not have a chance otherwise.

I really am thinking that I was meant to foster a child or adopt a child. Cory does not agree or disagree. He just seems impassive about it, as he is with so much else right now. It concerns me. I love him and am concerned sometimes that he has just given up or is just not as passionate as I am. Or maybe he just has not figured it all out yet either.

I really need to figure some things out. I know what I want. I just have not figured out how to get myself there yet. I have such a hard time getting motivated. I feel its the same with Cory. I need to push us both. But how do you push someone else when you can’t even push yourself?

It feels kinda like being trapped under ice, you can see the hole for air but you are having such a hard time getting there to get any.