A Story About A Girl

Mental Illness & Me

This is always a tough topic for most people to talk about and I am no exception. I really wish I had some of my posts from my blogs from the worst phase, depression wise in my life. They would really provide me with some insight I think into the way my mind works sometimes and maybe some insight for other people in my life to see where I was then and where I am now. I don’t want to say that it is all a thing of the past for me, because it is not. I still and always will suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorder. It’s not something I think that will ever 100% fully will go away for me.

However, that being said I think I am at one of the best points I have ever been in my life in regards to mental illness and me. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get depressed and have bad thoughts. Not talking suicidal, I have not had those in many many years. I do still sometimes think very negatively about some things that have happened to me past or present. Much like anyone would I guess. I don’t want to say I suffer from PSD because I don’t but sometimes I do have a little bit of stress from past traumas or past life experiences that have affected me. I’m not really going to get into detail about them right now. I’m not sure if there is posts about them on this blog or not but feel free to dig if you want to know. I can’t honestly remember what’s there.

I still have days where I do not want to get out of bed or that I feel things are hopeless or that it will never go away. But I think my depression has changed and evolved a little bit. Now it is more situational. I get depressed or anxious more when I think about certain things then just always feeling depressed or anxious. I think also now that I am married, I have someone to share it with that I feel 100% comfortable sharing with and who feels for me in a way no one ever has. Someone that gets me in a way no one ever has and that helps. Someone who experiences my highs and lows and just rolls with it and works with me to help me learn how to deal with my emotions. If you have someone supportive in your life it helps. I only wish everyone could have some but realize that sometimes some people aren’t so lucky. [...]  READ MORE

April Recap

I want to start posting doing a post each month about my goals for the following month and pick 3 goals that I would like to achieve for the coming month. I would also like to do a post as well at the end of the month of a monthly recap of 3 things that have happened in my life over the last month. I have created a category for each.

Here is a recap of what happened in April.

  1. Going back to work  – So I started off April on Short Term Disability after having my wisdom teeth removed at the end of March and getting a dry socket. I started back to work half way through April on the 15th. My return was uneventful other then the fact that I didn’t get paid for a week because someone at work didn’t get me changed from unpaid STD to paid STD after my claim was approved on time. I was supposed to get paid the extra week this past Thursday and didn’t. I called HR and they advised I would get it on my next pay on May 10th but I have rent to pay and bills coming out automatically. After talking to them they advanced me 60% of what they owed me on May 10th on Friday and I will get the other 40% on May 10th. At least we were able to pay everything on time and are not behind on anything but it still kinda sucked and required borrowing a little from my mom to make that happen. So now we have to pay her back
  2. Edward broke a tooth – So my husband somehow broke a tooth a week ago or so on a plastic bottle (like a pop bottle). No idea how really. He says he just hit it off the top of the bottle when taking a sip. He ended up going a week with a broken tooth. Luckily for him it didn’t hurt at all and no bleeding. It also didn’t end up costing much to fix surprisingly. Yay for 90% dental coverage! He ended up getting it fixed a few days ago and you can not even tell he did it. He also got a few cavities filled while they were at it.
  3.  I started taking the bus to work – Yep. I did. Nothing wrong with the car. It’s just to expensive to park downtown. I think I mentioned this in a post but to me its a big thing. I have anxiety and have panic attacks from time to time and buses have always been a place I have been very uneasy. I do not like crowds and I am also claustrophobic and when the bus is full (which thankfully it hasn’t been too bad due to the time I go to and from work) it makes me really uneasy. I have had panic attacks on the bus before and was of the main reasons I first got a car because I was so uneasy and felt trapped. For me taking the bus is a big step in overcoming all that. I have been medication free for years (well as far as my depression & anxiety, obviously I’m on insulin) and I was concerned I might not be able to handle it and was scared it might trigger bad memories but I am actually quite enjoying it really.

How about you, anything interesting happen this month? [...] 

Trapped under ice

Ever wonder what you are doing on the earth? Like, what your purpose in life is? I have been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel so much like something is missing. Like I am not living up to my full potential and that there is something more that I need to do.

I can’t help but wonder what it is. Does everyone think like this? Am I the only one? Sometimes I feel like I just have so many questions. I have been thinking a lot about people in my life that are no longer in my life. I don’t mean ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, or people I have known briefly. I mean my friends and family who have lived and died.

I don’t know why I am thinking about death all of a sudden. I just wonder why some people live long lives but don’t really seem to affect anyone other then their close friends and family and why others are taken from us too suddenly. Why were their lives cut short? Did they reach their purpose? Is that why they are gone? [...]  READ MORE